Hello

Hello Diary.  I am lonely.  Today and in general.  I feel it in my soul.  I think I’ve stopped believing in the bible.  I’ve seen so much evidence that points to it being a retelling of other myths from previous cultures that I can’t believe it’s infallible anymore.  So, I don’t know where my faith is right now.  I don’t know how God fits into the world at all anymore.

I don’t think there’s anyone in my life right now that understands me or really cares about me, and so it’s very lonely.  John is a good friend and comes as close as I could hope to someone that “gets” me.

I told you that Alain is married and has a kid now.  It’s been bothering me a bit lately.  It has an element of unreality.  It was weird even to type that out… that Alain is married and has a child… with someone else.  This knowledge combined with my loss of faith has really sent me for a loop the past few months.  I…um…think about killing myself a lot.  Many times per day.  Because I know I’m truly alone.  And that nobody cares about me.  Nobody cares how I’m doing or what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling.  I don’t really get why I’m here anymore.  I don’t understand.  I feel like I’ve lost any hope of having purpose or meaning.  The only person I’ve ever really loved is long, long gone.  And God… may not… exist.

I had always held this fairy tale belief that I would meet a guy and live “happily ever after”.  And after I met him, everything would be better.  But, I’m 34 and that never happened and nothing is better.  I’m really, really, really lost right now.  I’ve been lost my whole life.  Check all of my other entries… I’ve been lost for years.  I can’t figure my own life out.  I’m a sad mess.

Dave unexpectedly went out to DC drinking with some friends.  It makes me uneasy because one time he did that and “ended up” going to a strip club also.  It’s hard for me to feel safe with him.  Do I not deserve a nice guy?  Am I mistaken in even wanting a nice guy?  I feel like I keep ending up with the same type of guy.  The type that only cares about himself and doesn’t have much interest in me.  It’s super duper lonely.  I might as well be the only living inhabitant of Mars.  What would actually happen if I killed myself?  I can’t bother to think about what others will think.  Who cares?  They don’t care about me now, while I’m alive, so why should I care if they’re hurt by me dying?  More-so, I want to know what happens after death.  If God and hell exists.  I couldn’t hate my life more.  I wish I could figure out something that would just make my life tolerable.

I want to just dissolve.  I don’t want to exist anymore.  I wish I never existed in the first place.  I don’t know how to go on with this pain anymore.  The pain that I’m not enough, can’t be enough, never enough.  And the pain that NOBODY CARES.  Nobody notices me or cares about me or notices my depth of despair.

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