Shhhh

A coworker that I don’t really know is putting on a show tonight at a nearby bar.  I was invited to come, and I debated a lot about whether or not to go, but in the end social anxiety won and here I am at home.  I feel kind of like a jerk for not going since I live so close to the venue, but I just don’t want to go… I hope my coworkers don’t dislike me after this :(

It’s Saturday and therefore cheat day on my diet.  I went pretty nuts today and I’m feeling super stuffed right now.  I had 4 donuts, a mandarin bun, spaghetti, half a pizza, 4 breadsticks, 1 hard cider, and some Pepsi.  I feel like bursting lol.

I got pretty ticked off at John earlier this week.  It was the day before my first allergy shot and I was nervous because I have to carry an Epipen because there’s a small risk of a negative reaction to the shots.  I told John I was nervous about it and he just said something like “why are you getting these shots if there’s a chance you could have such a negative reaction??”  That reaction right there ticked me off.  But, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and reminded him of my bad allergies and how it detracts from my quality of life.  Then I kind of half-jokingly said “you SHOULD tell me that it will be ok and the chance of having a bad reaction is very small and even if I did have a reaction, the doctors know how to handle it”.  But he responded with “but I don’t trust doctors to know how to handle it so why would I say that?”  Ugh.  That was it.  I just quit talking to him after that.  I can’t even bring up the word “doctor” without him going off on some little tangent about how much he hates them and thinks they’re incompetent.  I mean I agree that they’re just after money and not really about helping people, but often that’s not the point of the conversation.  He just grabs the conversation and changes it to that just because the word “doctor” was mentioned.  I was really in need of some friendly support and he just kind of made me more worried and made me reconsider my decision to get these shots and then irritated me on top of all that with the crap about him not trusting doctors.  Ugh I can feel my blood pressure rising again as I’m typing this out!! lol

So… I’ve been concerned about my complete lack of motivation lately.  85% of the time, I can’t motivate myself to do anything more than the basics.  “The Basics” being, get out of bed, go to work, take the dogs out, eat food.  There are things I want to do that don’t even require that much effort, like reading books for entertainment, or watching a training video on a programming language.  But, for some reason, I opt to not do these things and instead take the easiest possible route and waste hours and hours watching TV.  Every evening I feel guilty for it and tell myself that I won’t do it again tomorrow.  But, then tomorrow comes, and after I’ve completed “the basics”, I feel whipped and I just want to relax for a while so I watch TV and next thing I know it’s 11pm and time for bed.  My big goal for this year was to get rid of most of the stuff I’m selling online so that I can move into a smaller apartment next year.  But, I can only motivate myself to post auctions for things a few times per month.  At this rate, I won’t make my goal.  I’m not sure if this is the depression or if it’s got to do with some kind of a sleep issue or something… I do feel tired most of the time.  Probably 75% of my life I feel tired enough to take a nap on the spot. And I know I probably don’t get good sleep – I wake up 4 or more times per night.  But, if it’s a sleep issue or even if it’s depression, I don’t know what to do to resolve either issue.

Honestly, I thought this diet change that I’ve done the past 7 weeks would help me feel better.  Some people say that they feel so energetic on this diet and feel so positive and it gets rid of their “brain fog” and so on and so forth.  But, I feel exactly the same as I did before starting the diet.  So, I think the only logical conclusion is that my low mood and lack of motivation was not caused by a poor diet.  My next “experiment” is drinking green tea and taking L-theanine supplements to reduce anxiety.  Many nights, it takes me a long, long time to get to sleep because my mind is racing, so I thought that might be caused by anxiety and therefore I’m trying to reduce my overall level of anxiety.  I’ve taken the L-theanine supplements for about 3 days in a row so far.  I think it helps me get better sleep, but I still wake up 4+ times per night.  And during the workweek, when I have to get up early, it’s still very difficult to wake up on time and I feel VERY groggy.

I’m getting more worried though because it’s about to be S.A.D. season which is going to make all of the aforementioned issues even worse.

I guess I should just give in and see a psychiatrist and take some medications.  But, the side effects… holy crap the side effects.