I want love again, diary. I want to love someone and be loved in return. I want that happy feeling again.
I’ve had 2 shots of rum so I’m slighhhhtly buzzed. And it feels good. I don’t feel happy or good often so when I allow myself to get buzzed it feels so gooddddd. Sometimes I just get tired of doing “what I’m supposed to” or “what I should do”. Sometimes I just want to feel good! Even if it’s not good for me. I feel guilty for that,but I don’t want to feel guilty. I just want to feel happy sometimes. I know I can’t be happy all the time, but happy sometimes would be good.
I’m keeping a mood journal on my phone now. Most of the time I feel “meh” or “fugly”. Which is basically a 2 or 3 on a 5 point scale where 5 is the happiest and 1 is the saddest. I would like to feel like 4 or 5 most days lol. WISHFUL THINKING. CRAZY THOUGHTS. WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
Tomorrow, I’m meeting up with Drew for lunch at Founding Farmers. I’m kind of excited, but kind of apprehensive. Apprehensive because (1) the last time I was there was with Dennis and I’ve ONLY ever been there with him. It was kind of our special/favorite place to go together. And (2) I don’t know what Drew and I will talk about. Every time we get together, we end up having intense conversations but then sometimes the conversations dry out and we sit there in silence for long periods of time and it’s awkward. I like the intense conversations, but I also like to make jokes and have fun. He seems like a very intense and serious person and he doesn’t joke around much. Butttt there will be delicious foods so maybe it will be ok. It’s my cheat day! I’m on a slow carb diet as outlined in 4 hour body.
You know, I just want someone who I can be completely open and honest and real with. Even, maybeeee, it doesn’t have to be a significant other. Maybe just a friend. Somebody that I could call up and tell them all these things that I’m telling you right now, diary. Tell them when I’m so sad and hateful towards myself. Or tell them that I want to be loved and kissed and touched! I don’t have anybody in my life right now that would accept that kind of talk. Yeahhhh ok I talk about SOME of these things with John. But, I feel like he doesn’t reciprocate and I feel like I’m so open with him, but he’s not open with me. I want the relationship to be a two way street. I want that person to also call me at 2am crying about something so I can comfort them and listen to them or just come over and give them a hug. Whoever they are! I have love to give too. I have a heart. I have a sympathetic ear. I want to be real with someone and have them be real with me. I want them to be vulnerable with me and I’ll be vulnerable with them! I want our hearts and souls to talk. Not just our mouths.
Lately, things have not been so great in the dating world. I was communicatign with someone named Chris on CM for a while, but he wants kids and I don’t, so that didn’t last long. I was also communicating with someone named Al on CDFF, but it seems like we’re from two different worlds and I just don’t get him and I think he’s lost interest in me as well as he didn’t respond to my last text lol. I’ve exchanged a few messages with another guy from NY on CM, but he seems to be into different things than I am so I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere. To be honest, a little piece of my heart dies each time one of these attempts doesn’t work out. I’m getting more and more cynical and less and less hopeful. I wonder if maybe I’m supposed to be alone. I wonder if I’m going to die alone, never even married once? There doesn’t seem to be anyone out there for me. Christian, but doesn’t want kids, and also gets along well with me. That’s like 1 in a billion people. I read somewhere that 90% of people want or intend to have children. So, there’s 10% left over for me. 5% of them are women (I guess), so 5% are men. Then of those… how many are Christian?? Maybe 2/5. After that, how many of those would I find attractive and get along with??? The number of men gets smaller and smaller. Do I believe that God will give me a mate? That I am not sure of. I do believe that God can do anything. What I am not sure of is whether or not he wants to give me a partner. He could if he wanted to. But does he WANT to? How am I to know that? How am I to know the will and desires of God? This PARTICULAR and SPECIFIC thing is not in the bible. So how do I know? That’s what I ponder. That’s what I worry about.
Diary, I just want some really good, real human connection.