I Think I Stood Someone Up Tonight

I was exchanging messages for a few days with someone on CDFF and I mistakenly gave him my number.  He started calling and being annoying, not giving me space and being too demanding of my time.  Then Monday of this week he texted me at 6am which woke me up before my alarm went off and I couldn’t get back to sleep because I was so irritated with him.  That was the last straw, so I stopped responding to him and blocked his calls and texts.  But, unfortunately, before Monday we had made plans to meet for dinner tonight.  So even though I didn’t respond to him the past two days, I think he still went to the restaurant because I got two VMs and a message on CDFF right around 7:30, the time we agreed to meet.  I feel bad, but why would he still go to the restaurant if I haven’t responded to his calls and texts since Sunday?  Smh I don’t know :(

For some reason, my curiosity about what Alain was up to lately got the best of me tonight and I FB’ed him.  There weren’t any new updates since 2014.  No new pictures that I have access to as someone who isn’t his friend.  Oh well.  At least it didn’t make me too sad and I didn’t even come close to crying :)  I guess I was just wondering if he’s with someone.  From the few posts I did see about him, it seems like he’s someone completely different than the person I knew.  I wonder if that’s really who he is, or if he was just pretending to be that person to fit in with those guys.  Oh well… I guess it’s none of my business and not my problem anymore….  And yet….

I guess it’s just because I’m lonely that I even spend time thinking about it.  And I guess it’s easier to think about Alain than Dennis.

I’m trying to really believe and focus on the fact that this life is really short and the pains and sufferings in it are only going to last a little while before a perfect eternity begins.  But, when you’re in the moment and you’re hurting, eternity seems so far away. I know someday none of this will matter anymore, but that’s not easy to believe when the sadness is standing right in front of you, staring you down.

It’s my Dad’s birthday this weekend.  He’s coming down to spend the weekend with me.  I got him a gift and a cake.  I hope he likes them :)

The Past Few Days

So, I got sick with a cold over the past weekend.  Saturday and Sunday were pretty much ruined because of that.  Saturday was Penny’s birthday party, but I had to tell Brian I couldn’t make it because I was so sick.  On Sunday, I was supposed to meet up with one of my friend’s friends to try out a new church, but I also had to cancel that.  But, everything has been rescheduled to this coming weekend.  I’ll go visit Brian on Saturday and give them their gifts and then I’ll meet up with the friend-of-a-friend on Sunday for their evening service.  My social anxiety made me somewhat relieved that I couldn’t do those things last weekend.  But, now that this weekend is fast approaching, I’m feeling the anxiety again….

Another weird thing that happened this past weekend was San jin texted me out of the blue and said that he had been baptized, was going to church and was carrying around a rosary everyday in order to get me back.  I didn’t know what to make of that so I asked him about it and he said he was just joking, but that he was going to church more.  I still don’t know what to make of that.  Two days ago I asked him why he made those changes in his life, but he hasn’t responded yet.  I feel like the changes were insincere… or were not even actually made… so I’m keeping my distance.  I also felt like he was making fun of with his joking around about it, so I’m a little peeved and suspicious.  We’ll see if he ever responds to my last text lol.

I’ve been struggling with life in general more than usual since Monday.  A coworker made a joke during our team meeting saying that he would prefer to do my job.  The joke was implying that my job was easier than his.  So… that just got me really offended and upset.  I asked my other coworker N if she felt it came off as belittling and she said it did, but that he has made similar jokes about the BSAs in the past so she didn’t think much of it.  I guess it was a big deal to me because that was the first time I heard it.  And Charley also hopped on that joke bandwagon, which I didn’t expect from him.  He has always been so nice and mild-mannered so it was a shock to me to have him make a joke like that right in front of my face.  And in front of the whole team!  I still get angry thinking about it.  I wanted to curse them out and say some very unprofessional things, but I just kept my mouth shut.  Now it feels awkward to me at work.  And I feel even less like doing a good job.

Crazy Day at Work

It was a crazy day at work.  Which is very rare! lol  The end of UAT is tomorrow and I ended up finding a bunch of bugs with one of our projects so that got some people riled up and anxious.  But, they were not show stopper bugs, so it was alright.  Also, Craig just quit last week and only gave the team 1 day’s notice so we are trying to play catch-up since he didn’t give everyone all of his documentation and left his functional specs in a bad state.  I also had a 1:1 lunch meeting with M so I took the opportunity to tell him about the frustrations of testing Craig’s project since the specs aren’t correct.  Although M is not perfect, the really excellent thing about him is that he seems to genuinely listen to me when I talk about my frustrations.  Also, he told me during lunch how much he appreciated what I do and that he wouldn’t know what to do without me on the team.  That felt nice :)

I finished watching 1 Litre of Tears last night.  Wow.  What a tragic story.  I have been watching it over the course of 3 days and each of those 3 days I’ve felt like I was in a haze, constantly thinking about the main character, Aya, and her disease and what her life must have been like.  It was so unfair to her and I couldn’t make sense out of that in my head.  I also really struggle with making sense of the huge amount of human suffering that goes on in the world.  Not counting all of the genocides and wars and famines, but just thinking about all of the people out there suffering with painful ailments and diseases.  Those people are everywhere you look.  Even in my own life, I could name several people who have suffered with some painful disability or disease.  And yet the world takes little notice of these people.  We listen to their stories briefly, say “oh my that’s terrible”, and then two minutes later we’re talking about what we’re going to eat for dinner or what shirt we’re going to wear tonight.  Not that taking 3 hours out of your day to sit and feel bad about someone’s situation is going to help anything, but….. I don’t know…. I just feel like we’re not giving them enough consideration.

Mood Boost

Yesterday I met up with Drew for lunch and then we hung out at the mall talking for a few more hours.  It was REALLY helpful.  He and I have such good, deep conversations and it just felt so good.  And it seemed like I actually helped him out too.  He told me that he had been feeling down since he failed a physical exam for a job that he wanted and that spending the day with me helped him feel better.  Yay!  Knowing that I helped him feel a bit better was the best part!

Today I attempted to go to a new Presbyterian church that a friend recommended to me.  It took a long time to get there so that was irritating.  And then when I got there, it was so big and there were so many classes going on, I couldn’t figure out where to go.  And apparently I walked in on them filming some children and they waved me off.  Like I had any idea where else to go!  I walked all through the church and finally left because I couldn’t find anybody to talk to or any signs to indicate where the sermon was being given.  Very weird :(  But, my friend said that she could have her other friend introduce me around and tell me what to do, so I will reach out to that guy soon.

I want love again :(

I want love again, diary.  I want to love someone and be loved in return.  I want that happy feeling again.

I’ve had 2 shots of rum so I’m slighhhhtly buzzed.  And it feels good.  I don’t feel happy or good often so when I allow myself to get buzzed it feels so gooddddd.  Sometimes I just get tired of doing “what I’m supposed to” or “what I should do”.  Sometimes I just want to feel good!  Even if it’s not good for me.  I feel guilty for that,but I don’t want to feel guilty.  I just want to feel happy sometimes.  I know I can’t be happy all the time, but happy sometimes would be good.

I’m keeping a mood journal on my phone now.  Most of the time I feel “meh” or “fugly”.  Which is basically a 2 or 3 on a 5 point scale where 5 is the happiest and 1 is the saddest.  I would like to feel like 4 or 5 most days lol.  WISHFUL THINKING.  CRAZY THOUGHTS.  WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

Tomorrow, I’m meeting up with Drew for lunch at Founding Farmers.  I’m kind of excited, but kind of apprehensive.  Apprehensive because (1) the last time I was there was with Dennis and I’ve ONLY ever been there with him.  It was kind of our special/favorite place to go together.  And (2) I don’t know what Drew and I will talk about.  Every time we get together, we end up having intense conversations but then sometimes the conversations dry out and we sit there in silence for long periods of time and it’s awkward.  I like the intense conversations, but I also like to make jokes and have fun.  He seems like a very intense and serious person and he doesn’t joke around much.  Butttt there will be delicious foods so maybe it will be ok.  It’s my cheat day!  I’m on a slow carb diet as outlined in 4 hour body.

You know, I just want someone who I can be completely open and honest and real with.  Even, maybeeee, it doesn’t have to be a significant other.  Maybe just a friend.  Somebody that I could call up and tell them all these things that I’m telling you right now, diary.  Tell them when I’m so sad and hateful towards myself.  Or tell them that I want to be loved and kissed and touched!  I don’t have anybody in my life right now that would accept that kind of talk.  Yeahhhh ok I talk about SOME of these things with John.  But, I feel like he doesn’t reciprocate and I feel like I’m so open with him, but he’s not open with me.  I want the relationship to be a two way street.  I want that person to also call me at 2am crying about something so I can comfort them and listen to them or just come over and give them a hug.  Whoever they are!  I have love to give too.  I have a heart.  I have a sympathetic ear.  I want to be real with someone and have them be real with me.  I want them to be vulnerable with me and I’ll be vulnerable with them!  I want our hearts and souls to talk.  Not just our mouths.

Lately, things have not been so great in the dating world.  I was communicatign with someone named Chris on CM for a while, but he wants kids and I don’t, so that didn’t last long.  I was also communicating with someone named Al on CDFF, but it seems like we’re from two different worlds and I just don’t get him and I think he’s lost interest in me as well as he didn’t respond to my last text lol.  I’ve exchanged a few messages with another guy from NY on CM, but he seems to be into different things than I am so I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere.  To be honest, a little piece of my heart dies each time one of these attempts doesn’t work out.  I’m getting more and more cynical and less and less hopeful.  I wonder if maybe I’m supposed to be alone.  I wonder if I’m going to die alone, never even married once?  There doesn’t seem to be anyone out there for me.  Christian, but doesn’t want kids, and also gets along well with me.  That’s like 1 in a billion people. I read somewhere that 90% of people want or intend to have children.  So, there’s 10% left over for me.  5% of them are women (I guess), so 5% are men.  Then of those… how many are Christian??  Maybe 2/5.  After that, how many of those would I find attractive and get along with???  The number of men gets smaller and smaller. Do I believe that God will give me a mate?  That I am not sure of.  I do believe that God can do anything.  What I am not sure of is whether or not he wants to give me a partner.  He could if he wanted to.  But does he WANT to?  How am I to know that?  How am I to know the will and desires of God?  This PARTICULAR and SPECIFIC thing is not in the bible.  So how do I know?  That’s what I ponder.  That’s what I worry about.

Diary, I just want some really good, real human connection.