I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I woke up a little late so I was rushing to work and people kept pulling out in front of me on the road which just enraged me. Helped my coworker “N” fill up her car tire with air (which was a good thing and made me feel good to do something nice for someone), but then when I got home from work I saw a message from one of the gentlemen I was communicating with on CM. In my last message to him I asked him what else he liked besides UFC since that seemed to be the only thing he wanted to talk about. And he responded to me today with “you didn’t read my profile did you?” Let me tell you folks, his profile was a 2 liner that said he liked the outdoors and hanging out with friends. That’s about it. Ugh that enraged me even more. I really really wanted to go off on him, but I just blocked him instead. And then when I was walking the dogs, Gadget barked at some guy and it just ticked me off too much and I hit his butt. I feel so bad… :””'( I snapped. I’m so frustrated with life today. I’m trying to be positive and focus on the good, but today this let down with the guy on CM just made me feel like finding a guy is hopeless for me. I don’t know why, but it seems like no normal, nice, decent men are interested in me. I’m soooooooooooooo tired of these dating sites where I exchange 3 messages with someone and they disappear or only want to talk about themselves and not ask me a SINGLE question or they want kids or whatever else. To be honest, I did not think it would be so hard to find someone. It had been relatively easy for me to find a boyfriend on these dating websites before but now that my standards have gone up it seems like it’s impossible.
Today started off a bit rough. I felt down and frustrated and depressed and lonely this morning. I had a date sort of planned with Mike this evening, but the event we were going to go to was from 6-8pm and I couldn’t make it into DC before 8pm so we cancelled. I asked Mike if he wanted to do something else tonight instead but he didn’t respond for like 7 hours, so I just ran some errands after work and got McDonalds for dinner lol. I was actually relieved when we had to cancel. I know I have to break it off with him, but I just can’t figure out a nice way of telling him and a way to tell him that would make sense to him. I kind of wish he would lose interest in me and stop texting me and that the situation would just take care of itself that way lol. I’m such a wimp.
Other than that, I just worked from home as I normally do on Fridays. I am reading 4 Hour Body by Tim Ferriss. I am really inspired and excited about it. It’s not just helping me learn more about losing weight, but it’s also helping me to understand how to achieve goals by measuring and tracking everything. It also is helping me understand that goals must be specific and quantitative so that they can be tracked and therefore more easily achieved. It is ALSO helping me understand that doing something towards your goal, even a small amount, is better than nothing! So, it has made me feel like maybe more of my life could be in my control. Maybe I could have goals…… and actually achieve them! Because I think I have always been too afraid to make goals because I couldn’t even fathom achieving anything. But, doing things the way Tim Ferriss explains – by small, incremental, realistic changes everyday – seems like something even I could achieve.
So, in lieu of this 4HB book, I have begun taking photos of everything I eat which is supposed to help me make better choices in the long run. Admittedly, I didn’t eat very well today. I actually ate TWO dinners lol. Linguine and McDonalds. I’m not proud of that, but I’m not ashamed of it either. It’s my first day. So what!? I am also going to begin recording my weight everyday because apparently just becoming more aware of your weight will help you unconsciously start making better choices to get to your goal weight.
I went to a new allergist for the first time today. I liked him right away. He seemed genuine and honest and enthusiastic. He didn’t downplay the costs of getting allergy shots and creating the serums. So, I think I will go forward with getting allergy shots again and see how it goes. The only bad thing was that he advised me to use Nasacort and see if that helped me out at all in the meantime. But, after spraying it in my nose this morning, I’ve been feeling a weird sensation in the back of my nose and throat. It’s like that feeling when you’re about to come down with a cold – kind of burning, sore feeling. It feels like something back there is swollen. I hope this feeling goes away soon.
After work, I came home and ate dinner and felt sooooo drowsy. So, I laid down and tried to take a nap, but I don’t think I ever actually fell asleep after laying in bed for 1 hour or so. I kept getting that “restless leg syndrome” feeling in my body. Ugh I hate that. I wonder what it is and why I get it.
I’ve finally decided to give up reading Leisure: A Basis of Culture. I read about 70 pages and it’s just so difficult to slough through and I don’t really understand what the author is getting at. So, I”m just going to give up on it and move on to the next book. I have 7 more books on my list to read by the end of the year!
God has placed two convictions on my heart recently: (1) I love money more than God and (2) I want a relationship more than I want God. Before this week, if you had asked me if I loved money more than God or wanted a relationship more than God, I would have said “no way!”. But, I wasn’t being honest with myself. And even after this knowledge, I still love money. I still want a relationship more than God. But, the good thing is that now that I’ve become aware of it, I’ve repented and now I can begin to turn from these things and get my priorities straight. It’s very, very frustrating to me that things do not happen quickly or overnight. I so desperately just want to be a better person by, like, tomorrow lol. But, that’s not how it works. It takes time. I just have this thought in the back of my mind that I’ve already wasted 32 years of my time and I’m so far behind and I’m a stubborn person so it’s going to take me even longer to learn my lessons and improve myself. It makes me want to give up? I worry that it’s going to take me YEARS to learn to love God more than I can love another person and that God won’t send the right person for me until I reach that point. I know that’s NOT the right way of thinking, but I’m just being completely honest. That’s how I feel right now. I know it’s NOT the right motivation for change. But, it’s just how I’m feeling right now and where I’m at in my journey right now. I truly don’t comprehend how to overcome the loneliness I feel most days and to focus that energy and desire onto God instead. They seem like two separate emotions/feelings to me. The things that I want out of a relationship do not seem to be related to God. I want physical touching, kissing, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, etc. I don’t see how these desires can be satisfied in God? I am not saying that they can’t, I am just saying that I don’t see how….. but I WANT to. I want God to satisfy all of my needs and wants and desires. It just seems like such an impossible and far away goal that I become unmotivated. And yet, deep down inside of me, there’s an inextinguishable and unexplainable fire of faith in God. So, I continue.
I missed Dennis a lot last night. It was hard to fall asleep because I couldn’t stop thinking of him. Random memories of things we did together kept popping in my head – it felt out of my control. I would try to quiet my brain so that I could sleep, but some random moments in time would pop into my head. Just when I thought I was making progress and moving on… something like this happens and I feel like I took 100 steps back. All I could do was pray to God that he wouldn’t become the next Alain in my life. Someone who I spend 9 years obsessively thinking about and trying to get over. I don’t know what it was about him that got me so bad, that made me fall so hard. Our relationship is such a difficult thing for me to come to terms with. I loved him and he loved me………but he took advantage of me in several ways and still isn’t mature enough to see that what he did was wrong and that he needs to make real changes in order to have a successful relationship. I also don’t want to be with someone who runs away when things in the relationship get hard. They were HARD when he left, but maybe we could have worked through them if he was willing. I was willing at the time.
I need to make changes to have a successful relationship too, of course. I’m not perfect by any means. I need to learn how to trust and to be more considerate. Among other things, I’m sure.
I love being alone, but I hate when it gets lonely. I want a relationship, but I’m afraid that I’ll lose too much of my own personal time and freedoms. I want a relationship, but I’m afraid that I’m something that nobody would really want. Men seem to want the outgoing, happy, friendly, party girl types. But, I’m the quiet, stay at home, spend too much time in her head, get depressed and cry a lot, but sort of nice kind of girl. Is that a thing? lol
This past weekend I went on a 2nd date with Mike. I think going out with him (and the other guys) is dredging up memories of my first few dates with Dennis. I remember just having such a good time with Dennis and it was so thrilling and exciting and my heart hurts just thinking about it. But most of these dates with these guys have not been like that. However…. the two dates with Mike have been pretty good. I like him. I wouldn’t say sparks are flying everywhere… but there are some sparks. I am really disappointed that he’s not Christian though. Well, ok, I think he would categorize himself as Christian, but he’s a lukewarm one at best. This time around I really don’t want to just jump into a relationship with the next OK guy that comes along though. I only want to get into a relationship with someone who will be my husband. I am tired of these bad relationships and all the broken hearts. They have taken over my life… and there’s got to be more to life than one broken heart after another.
I have a 2nd “date” with “L” tomorrow. I met L while walking my dogs around the apartment complex. He lives in the same apartment complex. I really have no attraction or interest in him, but I’m too much of a wimp and a people pleaser so when he asked me out on date #1, I said yes. However, after that date, I said I just wanted to be friends and keep it platonic because of our age differences. He’s 24, I’m 32. I reallllyyy didn’t think he’d take me up on the platonic friendship thing… but he did. And I didn’t want to be completely rude and stop responding to his texts because he lives 1 building away from me so we will probably run into each other a lot over the next year. So, I guess we’re going bowling tomorrow night. I don’t want to go, but I’ve already agreed. I just hope it doesn’t get weird. And I’ve GOT to find a way to avoid a 3rd “date”. Lord, help me think of something.