Empty Emptiness

Having a really bad day.  Feeling so hopeless and empty and… absolutely completely hopeless.  There IS no hope.  Nothing works to fix this depression.  I wish I never existed.  I keep asking God to take me out of existence.  He doesn’t have to give me heaven or any kind of nice afterlife. I just don’t want to exist anymore.  I don’t understand why I can’t just have that.  It wouldn’t cost Him anything at all.  I’m a useless human being.  All I do is drag myself out of bed, go to work, come back home, watch TV, and go back to bed to start the whole process over again.  I’m not doing anything to further humanity.  I CAN’T do anything more than this.  I have no motivation or drive.  I feel nauseated just thinking about myself.  I’ve had a pressure headache all day too.  I know the depression tells me that it’s hopeless and I’ll always feel this way, but I’ve tried so many things that are “supposed” to work and they haven’t worked… and so how am I not supposed to logically believe that it’s not hopeless?  I’ve tried many different antidepressants, I’ve been to a bunch of therapists, I go outside in the sunshine and exercise everyday, I changed my diet and I’m eating better now…. but it doesn’t help.  Nothing is going to eradicate this depression.  Ever.  It’s always going to be with me.  Even if I beat it for a few months, it will eventually come back at some point.  It’s pretty much a guarantee.  How do I know this?  Because that’s what’s been happening to me for the past 17 years.  What evidence do I have that things are going to get better?

Gosh I don’t even know how to describe the absolute bleakness I feel right now.  Life, in its entirety, seems like just an empty wasteland.  All of the good memories are just cloudy and dis-attached to me.  Life is nothing but pain and emptiness and loneliness and sadness.  It takes everything from you but gives nothing in return.