It’s like this.

Dennis I miss you.  I miss you baby.  Come back and hold me again.  I want to feel your strong arms around me again.  I want to smell your neck again and cry on your shoulder.  Can we have one last night together?  And do things we shouldn’t do and do things that don’t make sense to do anymore?  I miss all of you, from head to toe.  I loved seeing you naked.  I wasn’t acting or pretending when I said that.

I miss the way you used to kiss me in the beginning – like you really loved and wanted me and desired me.  I didn’t like the way you would kiss me towards the end of the relationship, there weren’t any feelings in them.

Can you hold my hand again?  And let me feel the bumps on your palms?  Can you kiss me on top of my head and tell me you love me once more?  Just once, I promise that’ll be all.

Can you look at me again with love in your eyes?  Can you suggest we go for a bike ride or sightseeing or hiking because you want to spend time with me?  Can you insist on buying me dinner again even when I try to pay?  Just one more time I promise that’s all.

Can we take one more selfie together with some awesome dinner that we made together?  Can you help me open up a bottle of wine after I get the opener stuck in the cork one more time?  Can you wrap your arm around me as we watch TV together on the couch… just once more?

Can we give us a shot once more, but do it right this time?  Could I be myself and could you be yourself?

I’m making those loaded mashed potatoes that you bought a few months ago.  Yes, they’re still good lol.  I wish we could eat them together.  When you use real milk they taste better. I’m looking at that picture we took together after our first attempt at making waffles.  I’m looking at the picture we took at Luray Caverns.  Can we go back to being happy and in love again?  Missing you hurts so much.

You want to know something crazy?  My therapist died a few weeks ago.  I just found out today.  One day she missed her appointment with me and I couldn’t get in touch with her.  They finally found out over the weekend that she died.  Crazy.  Maybe I should see someone else?  I don’t know.  I’ve been doing so well up until yesterday… yesterday I started feeling so lonely and then today I started thinking of you….. and things just spiraled out of control.  You know what else spiraled out of control?  Us.  We started out beautiful and wonderful.  I thought you’d be The One.  But we got too crazy and we lost it.  Oh my God.  I can’t even describe the broken heart I feel.  I can’t describe this feeling, but it’s awful.  Should I text you?  Gadget is wondering what is going on with me…  Don’t worry babe.. he’s been taking good care of me :)

I’m drinking the tequila you bought.  I can’t feel my face right now.  I’m listening to King City – Majid Jordan… do you still listen to that one?  It makes me think of you.  Let’s go back to Shirlington and walk around again and go back on our first date together.  FUCK.  What the fuck did we do???  I. don’t. know. if. i. can. do. this.  period.  I can feel my sanity slipping away right now as. I. type. this.  YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I WISH I COULD TAKE THIS PAST YEAR BACK AND DO IT ALL OVER, BUT BETTER.

Is this something I can really live through?  The pain, honestly, feels lethal.  I was doing so well for the last few weeks.  But, something happened the past few days.  A trigger was pulled.  Fuck. Me.  I need you.  I want to call you to come over right now and make this all better again.  I don’t want to say goodbye to you.  Do we really have to do this????????/1!!

More tequila plz.

King City – it was one of the last songs we listened to together in your car.  It is such a YOU song :)  Remember we couldn’t find anywhere to park before going to that last Wizards game in January?  Remember how you didn’t even want to go?  You didn’t say so, but I could tell.  I’m sorry I made you hate me.  I think there’s something wrong with me????  What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life now?  I hate love.  It’s not good.  Love never works out for me… You’re so lucky you have your family right nearby.  My Dad came down to see me this weekend.  He helped me do some lawn work.  I’m worried about him though, he’s got this weird skin growth.  I’m worried it’s skin cancer.  He’s almost 70.  I swear to you, babe, if I lost my Dad I could NOT go on.  If I lost Gadget I could NOT go on.  I don’t think you knew how much I needed you.  AND DESPITE HOW MUCH I NEEDED YOU YOU COULDN’T BE THERE FOR ME IN THE WAY I NEEDED YOU TO BE………………….

I’m gonna be feeling like crap tomorrow morning lol….

Nope still can’t feel my face.

I really hate that I fell for you and you ended up being…. the way you are.  A man child.  I’m sorry Lord but FUCK me.  Why, my good, kind, Lord can’t I find a MAN?  Lord, does it even matter to you if I’m dying inside?  Do you see it?  My whole body is numb.  I can’t feel my legs. It’s nice.

Babyyyy let’s get drunk together.  I never saw you drunk or out of control.  Except angry out of control.  Which was no fun :(  Don’t be mad at me anymore, k? I want to face plant on the sidewalk from a 50 story building.  God I know I fucked up…  YOU WEREN’T’ PERFECT EITHER THOUGH!!!!

Lord, I thought you told me I wouldn’t cry like this over Dennis again… But this is worse than the last time, so what’s up with that?  I’m so close to giving up on you Lord… but I WONT.  I want to blow my fucking brains out right now.  Dennis I’m just human.. I want to be loved too.  I’m not so cold or unfeeling like you think….. I’m just like everyone else.  I want to be loved and accepted.    We fell in love but maybe we were just the wrong two people to fall in love.  I hate saying that.  My heart says it’s SO right, but all of the other evidence says otherwise…

You know what I never even got to see YOU out of control emotional…  I wanted to see that and feel that too, ok?  I just want to be with a man who thinks I’m awesome even though I’m not perfect.  Did you ever like anything about me beyond the surface?  I’m not sure that you did… :(  There’s more to me but you never saw it.  I don’t show everything in the first month, the first year, the first five years.  Some things I never showed to my parents even.

I haven’t been this messed up over someone since my first boyfriend.  Let me tell you a secret… I was heartbroken over him for 9 years.  And then I met you.  And I forgot about him… COMPLETELY.  I thought you were the best thing I’ve ever had since him.

More tequila plz.  Maybe if I can’t feel my face I can’t feel my heart eventually.

you were special. you are special.

Life is fucked up you know?  The one person you need isn’t there  when you need him.  I wish you had really loved me and cared for me.  Love isn’t all fun and games you know?  It’s sticking with someone when they’re going through a hard time even if they can’t be themselves during that time.  Even if they can’t be nice or kind or loving during that time.  I guess too much happened to us too quickly and our relationship couldn’t keep up.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and fall down the stairs and snap my neck.

You say you want somebody that’s not a mess emotionally?  There isn’t anyone.  They don’t exist.  We’re all fucked up.  Even therapists.  So why wasn’t I enough?  Yeah I’m fucked up but we all are!  you are too, you just dont realize it.  I see it though.  I see it in all the t hings you *dont* say.

Got more tequila.

How much tequila can kill you?  I’m only on shot 4 so, don’t worry.

Is this really it for us?  Is this how it ends?  And now we just go on with our lives?

Hold my hand and let’s walk through Old Town again, past the comic book store to Los Cuates…..  It was only 2 months ago… just yesterday.  Just park your Jeep on the street… let’s go get some donuts together……… This isn’t how I want us to be… Apart and separate and living two different lives not together.  But I think this is what God wants and we have to do what God says.  It hurts me so much though.  I would prefer death to this.

Remember when we took the day off of work and went to that sandwich shop in DC?  It was raining.  And the sandwiches weren’t even that good lol.  Take me on another date to Founding Farmers in DC so I can spill my mimosa.  If I didn’t love you would I remember all these things?  Do you even know how much you hurt me when you would say that I didn’t care about you?  I cared.  I care.

I’m lonely.  There’s nobody here to hear me cry and scream….

I keep playing King City over and over.  It just makes me feel that much closer to you right now.  It sparks my memory and makes me remember more things that we did together.  Like that BBQ restaurant in that ghetto area of DC.  And you wanted to go to a park and eat it… and I didn’t :(  I’m sorry, I should have said “yeah! let’s go to the park!”.  I was dumb… I didn’t see you trying.  I can be selfish.  i can be oblivious.  I can be mean and rude.  But, I loved you then and I love you now.

I guess someday life will go on, but for now I’m stuck.

From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch and getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you
But now we’re sleeping at the edge
Holding something we don’t need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees
So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me
Everything’s that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me
And I’ll be me
From throwing clothes across the floor
To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you
If this is all we’re living for
Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore
I used to recognize myself
It’s funny how reflections change
When we’re becoming something else
I think it’s time to walk away

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

Everything’s that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

And I’ll be me

Trying to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don’t belong
There’s no force on earth
Could make me feel right, no

God is Amazing!

Yesterday I wrote in my journal to God that I wanted to feel His love for me beyond just an intellectual knowledge.  I wanted to FEEL it.  And today, I felt it.  Unexpectedly, in the middle of the day at home I just felt an overwhelming gratefulness to Him for everything that hes done for me and given to me without me doing anything at all to earn it.  Everything looked different and seemed different and all I could do was cry and cry and thank Him over and over.  He has blessed me so much, I can’t even count the ways.  There are too many!  I am truly loved by God!  I don’t deserve an ounce of His love, but I have it anyway.  I am so blessed!!!  All I could do (and can do now) is thank Him over and over and over unceasingly.  It just blows my mind the things He has done for me and all the ways He has blessed me.  It makes my head spin.

Lately, I feel like God is frequently answering my prayers, especially when they have to do with learning about Him.  It’s an incredible feeling.

This Week

So, Sunday was a difficult day and I ended up crying all night and into Monday morning.  By the time it was time to get up for work, I was too tired and headachey from crying so much so I called out sick.

On Tuesday, I met up with Paulette for lunch.  I told her about breaking up with Dennis and for some reason after our conversation, I just feel different about my whole relationship with Dennis.  For some reason, it made me really realize that he was taking advantage of me and wasn’t being a good partner at all.  I just didn’t really realize it or understand that that was what was happening until after meeting with Paulette.  I feel kind of stupid and naive for letting it happen.  But, it makes me miss him less and makes me feel quite sure that he’s not right for me.  My friend’s boyfriends/husbands don’t do this to them, so why do I deserve to be treated that way?  I deserve to be treated just as well as them.  I am just scared that I won’t find this person and that I’m going to end up getting into another unsustainable relationship.  I feel like I’m almost ready to start dating again, but I don’t want to get into another bad relationship.

Today is Friday.  After I get off of work at 4, I’m heading up to PA to visit my Dad for the weekend.  I’m taking both dogs.  I hate driving up to PA.  It’s such a long drive and I’m already feeling tired…

I got a notification in the mail that the taxes and insurance calculated for 2015 was less than what was actually needed so my monthly mortgage/insurance/taxes payment is going up by $100/month starting in April.  Ugh, it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it.  I’m probably going to have to get a renter for the extra bedroom to help me pay for everything.  It sucks to think about having to share the house with a stranger, but the extra money makes me feel excited.  I’d be able to live normally again, like I was living before buying this house.  I’d have enough extra money to live comfortably again.  I could save up to buy a new roof in less than a year.  I could then think of saving up for a car, maybe or a vacation or whatever.  I could afford to go out with friends more often and I wouldn’t have to be counting my pennies every month.  Before taking in a renter, though, I want to move my desk and “home office” down into the basement, that way the place where I spend most of my time will be more private and it will open up the living room and make it look nicer and more spacious.  It’s scary, but I kind of have a good feeling about it anyway.