Wow

Yesterday I got hit with something I never expected from Dennis.  He texted me last night and see outright that I wasn’t there for him when he needed me.  I was so blown away, I couldn’t believe he would say that after everything I told him, after living with me for like 9 months, I just couldn’t believe it.  I was so angry I was shaking.  I could barely contain myself.  He told me that he wanted someone that would understand that he’s tired after giving his all at work all day and that would fix him something to take for lunch and things like that.  Which also blows my mind.  #1 He’s 29 about to be 30 and he makes half of what I make as far as salary, but I’m supposed to be sympathetic to HIM with HIS precious little job.  He’s going nuts giving his all at work and I’m supposed to be sympathetic to him not having anymore to give around the house??  Come on.  #2 I WAS taking care of everything around the house.  I was paying for the ENTIRE mortgage.  I was making dinner for us every week night.  I was doing all of the DIY stuff around the house like painting and small fix-its  I was paying for ALL of the larger repairs and plumbers and dealing with the repairs 100% myself – i.e. making the calls, staying home from work to let them in, finding the best price, etc.  And after all that King Dennis expects me to want to baby him and make him lunch??????

Then he tells me he doesn’t like to always be busy.  When he comes home from work he just wants to relax.  WELL DON’T WE ALL, PRECIOUS?!?!?  I want to come home and relax too, but there are chores to do and bills to pay.  And with basically only MY income supporting us, I was also trying to make extra money online by selling things and doing small jobs.

Even after sleeping on it overnight, I’m still furious.

I’m also super sad.  I thought he just didn’t understand what he was doing.  I thought after I explained everything to him, he’d change.  And I thought he was sorry, because he apologized.  But, then he says things like this which make me think that nothing has changed.  He didn’t misunderstand anything, that’s just how he is.  I just feel like an idiot for not seeing this in him sooner.  I feel like I totally misunderstood him from the beginning.  In the beginning, I truly thought he’d be the one I ended up marrying and spending my life with.  But, I just had the wrong idea about him.  And it sucks, because I still feel love for him and I still feel like… we almost could fix this?  I miss him – the good him.  The times when he was actually a good boyfriend and was sweet and loving.  He just doesn’t understand that a relationship requires more than just being sweet and loving.  You can be sweet and loving but then turn around and take advantage of them too.  I don’t even know what to think now.  Two days ago, I was trying to get him back.  But, now… I can’t put up with this kind of behavior…

And let me tell you, he’s so broke right now even if we did get back together, I don’t think he’d even want to spend the gas money to come see me.  Ugh, I feel like the carpet has been pulled out from under me.  I don’t know what to think or do now.  So sad… just so, so, so sad.

I feel worthless.  After going through all that, he still doesn’t love me.  He still doesn’t really want to be with me.  He still doesn’t see the good in me and thinks I’m selfish, money-hungry, unloving and uncaring.  I feel like there’s a hole in my heart.  Honestly, I really loved him.  Even after everything I still loved him and I wanted him to see that and do better.  But, he’s not going to.  He can’t see it.  I feel like my heart is breaking all over again for like the 4th time.

Ouch :(

So, yesterday, after praying for guidance and talking with my friend John, I decided to just tell Dennis how I felt and that I was open to getting back together again if he could be ok with just maybes when it comes to children in our future.  He responded but not very positively.  He basically said he loved me and thought our relationship started out great but ended poorly.  He said he never felt like we had the kind of relationship where we’d do anything for the other person and that we should have been farther along in the relationship when we broke up.  He also said he wasn’t ok with maybes.  So, I don’t know…  that just seems like he’s not that into it.  Or that he has too many reservations about me.

It sucked.  I responded to him and said that he could take time to think about it, but I didn’t want to be the only one who wanted to try again.  And that it sucked that I said that I wanted to try again and he came back with more reasons not to than reasons to try again.  I feel awful and stupid and rejected (again) and dejected and alone again.  I thought he loved me, but I guess not enough to get past those things.  And he never responded to my last 4 texts.  He could at least say “ok” or “let me think about this and i’ll get back to you”.  But no, nothing.  Why text me and tell me that he misses me and that he keeps rereading my emails and letters and that it felt so good to hear how much I loved him and how I felt about him….if he didn’t want to revisit us?

What is so wrong with me that nobody wants me?

Not sure how to deal with all this.  Feeling kind of numb again… And in a fog.

Blast From the Past

Today was not as great as yesterday was, but it was still ok.  Dave (from CGI) IM’ed me this morning and we chatted a little throughout the day.  He said that he wanted to go out to dinner with me and introduce me to his fiance.  I kind of suspect he wants to show off his fiance because he hasn’t asked to hang out with me for over a year and coincidentally (or not so coincidentally), I told him that my ex and I broke up today.  And surprise, not even an hour later he says we should hang out lol.  Smh.

Admittedly, I am jealous of him.  He was dating her for such a short period of time and already they’re engaged.  I didn’t think he’d beat me to being engaged.  And now I’m single again.

I keep trying to tel myself that things will be completely different and much better in 1 year.  One year isn’t that long.  But, it seems like an eternity when you’re in pain :(

I’ve been thinking about a dream I had a few months ago about my Mom and what it might mean.  I still can’t figure it out though.  Mom was driving me in her old purple Dodge Neon.  In the dream, I knew she was dead.  I leaned my head against her shoulder and held her hand and cried and asked her why she had to leave.  She didn’t say anything, but just looked at me and looked away like she was about to cry.  That’s it.  I didn’t think much about it when it happened, but after yesterday and talking to Mudasser about the significance of his dad’s dreams, I’m wondering if my Mom wasn’t visiting me in the dream.  Though I desperately wish she had said something to give me a clue as to what it was all about.  For some reason, I get the feeling that she wanted to tell me something, but was too upset to tell me.  But, I can’t figure out or understand why.  Maybe she visited me too soon and was still too upset about her own departure to talk to me?  I don’t know.

I responded to Dennis’ texts this morning.  I said that I think about him constantly but I don’t understand what he wants or feels now.  Then I asked him why he didn’t respond to my emails.  It’s been all day and he hasn’t responded yet either via text or email.  I wonder if he will…  A part of me wants him to ask me to get back together.  But, a part of me also doesn’t want that.  A part of me thinks that maybe now that he knows how I really feel about everything, he will make a change and be different.  But, a part of me also thinks that he wouldn’t change and he’d just be the same guy.  Who knows, maybe I’d be the same person this time around too.  At this point, I feel like he doesn’t really, truly desire to be with me anymore.  And that makes me really sad and also makes me not want to get back together with him. I want to be with someone who really, really wants me.  I just worry that nobody else will come along and really, really want me.  I worry that Dennis will be my last shot or my best shot.

I woke up really late this morning for some reason.  I only remember my alarm going off 3 times before I woke up which should have made it only around 6:00am, but when I checked my phone it was almost 7:30am!  I was nearly an hour and a half late to work.  I must have slept through the alarm a few times which is really strange for me.  I’m such a light sleeper.  And then all day I was feeling groggy, kind of like I was medicated.  Or that I had skipped a medicine that I needed.  It was weird.

Ahh I see what happened.  I accidentally turned my 5:30am alarm off and only had the 7:00am alarm on.  That explains it lol.

Oh, Diary!

Lord, let me start this by thanking you for today.  Everything that happened was so unexpected and so helpful in encouraging me and giving me new perspectives on life and death and I’m in awe.  All I can say is thank You!

This morning, being a Monday morning, started out pretty bad.  I was feeling alone and was missing Dennis and my Mom and was just feeling so sad about losing them both and was wondering what the point of living was.  And of course I forgot that today was my day to lead the team meeting.  So that just made me so angry.  But, I got the agenda together and when 10:30am rolled around, I went in there and led the meeting.  Ok, so that’s done.  Then at noon Mudasser and I were scheduled to have our monthly 1-on-1 lunch meeting so we went out to Potbelly’s.  It was a pretty normal lunch meeting for the most part.  I was still feeling pretty down, but trying to keep it hidden like I usually do.  In fact, I was almost irritated with Mudasser because he’s always so positive and I always seem to be sad or down.

Eventually, for whatever reason, I brought up that I enjoyed watching watching ghost hunting TV shows and the Long Island Medium show.  This got Mudasser talking about his own experiences with spirits in a family home back in Pakistan.  He told me about one occasion where he and a bunch of his cousins were in a room playing a game together and all of a sudden one door of the room opened on its own.  Everyone stopped playing the game and turned to look at the door to see who was going to come through.  But, no one did.  What DID come through was a thick white mist.  It came right through the room, right through the center of the group.  Everyone saw it.  The mist was so thick that you couldn’t see all the way through it.  The mist went all the way through the room and opened up another door and went through that door.  Apparently there are two mists that hang out in that house in Pakistan, one white mist inside the building and one black mist outside the building.  Fascinating!

Then, he tells me that his father sometimes had very interesting dreams that let him know things that he couldn’t possibly have otherwise known.  One time after his own father (Mudasser’s grandfather) passed away, Mudasser’s father had a dream that his father approached him and said “my feet are wet can you help me?”.  Mudasser’s father called his uncle who lived near his father’s grave and told him to go check on the grave site.  And sure enough when his uncle went to the grave site, the heavy rainfall had caused the ground to cave in right where his father’s feet would be.

Mudasser told me that after his father passed away he had a dream where he was approaching his father on a couch and his father was sitting next to a close family friend who had also passed away recently.  And his father said something along the lines of “pray for someone to get into heaven if that’s what you want for them. God hears your prayers and takes them into consideration.  If you want heaven for someone, pray for it and God will bring them in.”  I’m completely butchering the message, but that was the gist of it.  That is something I’ve never really heard or considered, but it is starting to make sense to me.  The more I learn about the afterlife and what happens when we die, the more it seems like it’s not really a clear cut, black and white thing.  It seems to me that learning and growing still continue in the afterlife and where you spend forever isn’t set in stone.  Even if you died in sin here on Earth, you can change and grow on the other side and find peace there anyway.  And it really makes my heart feel joyous that God would listen to the prayers of people to determine who makes it into heaven.  It’s something I never heard of before, but it’s SO like God.  It’s so merciful and beautiful and unique.

Mudasser also said that his father always told him to not be so concerned with the obvious things going on around him and that he should pay attention to the little things that happen on the side… That those things are what life really is.  Life is lived in those little things.  I felt that this message was meant for me also today.  I pray that God helps me to really understand the meaning of this and to help me see those little moments that are so much more important than they seem.  Lord, open my eyes so that I can see them when they happen and pay attention so that I don’t miss them.

This conversation with Mudasser was so unexpected and helpful and I really needed it today.  I just thank God for it.  And I pray that God will open my heart and mind so that I can begin receiving messages from Him or my deceased loved ones through dreams or just little special moments throughout my day.

I left work early, around 2pm, so that I could check on Tobey.  Thankfully he didn’t make any messes while I was at work.  While I was working from home, I received some texts from Dennis.  We haven’t spoken or texted in over a week.  He basically said he missed me and the good times and that he doesn’t know what to say to me or do now.  He said that he keeps rereading the note I wrote him and the emails I sent him and he said that it feels so good to hear that stuff from someone that he loves the most.  It was kind of an ego boost for me and was nice to know that I’m not the only one missing him.  But, I still don’t know what to say to him in response.  I want to be honest and tell him that I miss him also and think about him a lot too.  But, at the same time, I don’t know where all this is going.  Does he want to get back together?  If so, why didn’t he take the time to respond to my long emails and spill his heart to me back?  Or why didn’t he apologize for some of the things he did.  I apologized like 3 times to him…

Also, the Bible scripture of the day (from this app that I have on my phone) was:
“The LORD your God is in your midst; he is a warrior who can deliver.  He takes great delight in you; he shouts for joy over you.” –Zephaniah 3:17.  Today was truly straight from God.  God was in my midst today!  I’m sure of it.  And it’s such an amazing thing to think that God takes delight in ME, little ol’ me.  And that He shouts for joy over ME.  Someone like me…  Beautiful verse…..

Another Day

It’s Sunday today.  Not much really happened today.  I am dog sitting Tobey until tomorrow evening.  I took him for a short walk today.  I had to cut the walk short because it was raining and he’s a frustrating dog to walk.  He keeps lagging behind me and stopping and refusing to move when there’s something he really wants to sniff.

Kim and I have been exchanging messages back and forth every day since she reached out to me.  It’s actually quite helpful to talk to her.  It somehow makes me feel better.  She doesn’t try to fix every issue I bring up, she just tells me about her own experience and insecurities and the crazy thoughts that go through her head too.

I felt pretty good yesterday.  The weather was very nice and I could take Tobey on a longer walk.  I also went out to Big Lots and the Post Office.  Then I went out to Arlington to grab dinner at Chili’s.  I got an appetizer and two full meals for about $21 and I had a gift card that covered all of that except $0.90, so that was pretty sweet.  But, I guess because today is more gloomy and rainy and cooler my mood is a bit more depressed.  I feel more tired and a whole lot less motivated to do anything.  Maybe all I really have is seasonal affective disorder and once April or May comes around I’ll be good as new?

I’ve been trying to work on reading more of my book and praying more and doing devotionals this weekend.  I think the most important and groundbreaking thing I learned from it all this weekend is that everything that happens is because God willed it to happen.  I always wanted to focus more on what I could do myself rather than pay attention to God because I always thought that whatever I achieve or don’t achieve is all 100% up to me, but that’s not true.  It’s kind of a relief – I can stop putting so much pressure on myself.

I am still struggling with being alone.  I constantly just feel lonely and the desire to be with someone.  A part of me wants that someone to be Dennis, but a part of me doesn’t.  I guess what I really want is to be with someone that I’m as comfortable and close with as I was with Dennis (probably more so), but not Dennis.  I just miss the loving, comfortableness of it all.  I’m trying not to think about the possibility that it might be a long time before I meet someone again.  Thinking about that just makes me freak out and super sad.  If I can manage to not think about that then I don’t feel quite so terrible.

……………Just really looking forward to when things start getting better……

The Past Few Days

Yesterday, I went into the office but I was soooo depressed.  I was at the point where I felt numb and distant and almost like I wasn’t in my own body.  I ended up pinning some pictures about depression on Pinterest.  John saw them of course and we talked about it.  But, surprisingly, Kim D. from SCCA that I met one time at a track event maybe 4 years ago sent me a message about it.  She said that she had some experience with depression herself and wanted to open the door to me if I wanted to talk.  I was obviously pretty shocked, but really touched.  Just that email alone kind of improved my mood.

Today I’m feeling a bit better.  I am dog sitting Tobey for the next 4 days so that’s cool. I also had a meet n greet with a new client (hopefully) with a very elderly dachshund who needs to go outside every 2 hours.  I will only have to watch the dachshund for a few hours on Saturday so that will be cool.  Easy money.  Assuming she sends the request :)  I couldn’t tell if she was put off by all the dogs’ excitement when she came by.  We’ll see what happens over the next day or so…

I got out my old HTC One V and charged it up and managed to find the pictures I took of Mom and Dad outside of their new house just a few months after they bought it.  Mom was still able to walk around and was fairly active at that time.  It’s a nice picture of them and the house, but it’s bittersweet.  I sent the picture to Dad and we began talking (over text messages) about some of the things we regretted about how we dealt with Mom’s final few months. He feels bad for not recognizing how quickly she was actually declining and for not doing more to make her happier and more comfortable during that time.  I tried to make him feel less bad about it, but who knows if what I said made any difference.  I feel bad for my Dad because it seems like he’s still carrying around some guilt for how he treated her when she was sick and about not being able to get the house renovated for her before she died.  This might have something to do with why he’s hardly working on the house at all right now.  Nothing much has changed with the house since Mom died.  I can understand why he’d feel guilty but I also don’t want him to feel guilty.  We all make mistakes and make the wrong choices sometimes, but I know that whatever he did he thought was the best decision at the time.  He shouldn’t feel guilty for that.  He just did what he thought was best with the information he had at the time.  That’s all anybody can expect from someone and I know Mom understands and forgives him.  Anyway…. it was just a unique experience to see these kinds of words and thoughts coming from my Dad.  I know he’s been sad about Mom’s passing, but he doesn’t say a whole lot about it.  Funny enough, he feels the most sad about all of the suffering and pain she went through which is exactly what bothers me the most too.  I think it’s a bit easier to accept a loved one’s passing if you know they weren’t suffering for very long and passed peacefully or at least quickly.  It’s a whole ‘nother level of sadness and pain when you know that a kind, loving, sweet person, someone so dear to your heart suffered through so much pain for YEARS.  How do you come peace with that?  It’s too tragic and unfair.  She didn’t deserve it.  She deserved the nice house that she always wanted.  She deserved to die peacefully in her sleep at age 90.

It makes me terrified for my own death.  Is it going to be awful and painful and full of invasive, scary medical procedures and tubes coming out of my neck and chest?  Just thinking about it makes me feel dizzy and like I can’t breathe.

Stupid Computer

I called in sick to work today.  I don’t know why, I just couldn’t drag myself out of bed this morning.  Too sad and depressed.  After texting my manager, I had a hard time falling back asleep but I did eventually fall asleep for a little while and ended up having a dream about Dennis… I don’t remember much now, but in it he said he loved me and I asked him “really??” and he took a long time to think about it and then told me he wasn’t sure.  So… that sucked.

When I finally got out of bed it was around 10am.  I spent a little while eating breakfast, feeding the dogs, etc.  Then went out to do a mystery shop.  Came back home and watched some Frasier and put together the shop report for the mystery shop.  Then, all of a sudden my computer just cuts out, like the power went out.  But, only for the computer.  I thought Gadget had kicked a cord or unplugged it somehow, but I checked all the connections and everything was fine.  When I tried to turn it back on, only the fans would turn on and it wouldn’t boot up.  The monitor just stayed blank.  So… that sucked.

I thought maybe it was too much dust in the case so I cleaned it all out, but that didn’t fix it.  I finally called up a computer repair shop and took it to them a few hours later.  Then I went immediately to Best Buy and bought a cheap laptop.  My computer is going to be in the shop for at least a week I suspect, so I need something to use in the meantime.  It just sucks because I didn’t plan for this expense in my monthly budget and it’s probably going to be several hundred dollars, plus the $200 I spent on this laptop. :(  It’s frustrating.  But, on the positive side, I had a Best Buy gift card that covered some of the cost and I am getting a few hundred dollars from all the mystery shops I’m doing.  Also, I just got contacted by a new potential client on Dog Vacay for this Saturday.  It should be very easy – just 9a-6p, not even overnight.  I guess put all this together I’ll be ok!  It’s just disappointing… I was hoping to save all that extra money I was making this month!!

Not Sure What to Write..

Not sure what to write today, but I’m trying to write in this diary more frequently…

It’s been an uneventful day. It snowed a few inches overnight and continued snowing about half of the day, so everyone stayed home and worked from home.

I’m just going through the motions today.  I don’t feel anything, not even sad.  Just empty.  I tried to talk to John, but I think something came up and he stopped responding.

I don’t have any hope today.

Spent most of the day either doing work or watching Frasier.  Walked on the treadmill a while also.  Meh I have nothing else to say.

Today

Dennis came over today to pick up the last of his stuff.  I woke up this morning with a feeling of sadness and dread… I wasn’t sure if he was going to come today or tomorrow, but I knew he was coming this weekend.  Anyway, he came and he took his stuff then he sat down on the steps and we chatted a bit.  We talked about the snowstorm we had a few weeks ago and the dogs and his new room.  It was hard not to cry.  We laughed uncomfortably sometimes, and then other times the conversation flowed easily.

It felt like old times sort of.  Then he brought in donuts from Sugar Shack and I took one, and then he said he was going to go.  We hugged and he told me he missed me.  I said “me too” and cried… He kissed my head a few times and my cheek a few times.  I wanted to melt into his arms and not let him leave.  But, what could I do?  We’ve already discussed our relationship issues and sent emails and texts about it.  I poured my heart out to him in several emails just a few days ago, which he didn’t respond to.  And I’m not sure what that means – does he just have nothing to say because he feels guilty, or does he think I’m completely wrong and now wants nothing to do with me?

After he left I cried pretty hard.  I did some laundry and cried even harder… I texted him and said that it was nice seeing him and that I missed him a lot.  He responded and said that it felt good seeing me too.  Then I got some Chinese food from the carryout place up the street.  It was good, but I forgot to grab the Coke I paid for and didn’t realize it till I got home.  And there’s no way I’m going all the way back just for a $1 Coke.

I spent the rest of the day watching Frasier, reading my diary (see previous post), and just  trying to make it through the next minute.

I signed myself up for a workshop on decorative molding at Home Depot tomorrow, but I don’t think I’m going to go.  Life, again, seems to have lost its shine.  I just want to spend tomorrow in bed.  Sometimes I wonder, if I died here in this house, how many days/weeks/months would go by before anyone would notice.

Wow.. :(

I just spent a good 1 and 1/2 hours reading through my past Dear Diary entries and gosh, I’m so embarrassed by them and disappointed in myself.  My entries say basically the same things, over and over, year after year.  I continue to have the same issues and the same complaints for years on end.  If I were someone else reading those entries I would be rolling my eyes, gagging, and then wanting to violently smack the writer and scream “WAKE UP!!!” at them.

All I can really say in my own defense is that I typically only write in my diary when I’m feeling down or depressed.  So, the vast majority of the good days I have had over the past 14 years went undocumented.  For example, I didn’t write a single entry about any of the great times I had with Dennis over the past 1 and 1/2 years – and there were a lot of them!!  I guess when I’m happy, I just live in the moment and don’t feel the need to “write it out”.   Which is a shame… I’d like to look back on my little diary in another 14 years and relive the happy moments instead of only all of the sad, desperate, depressed moments.

From reading my entries today, it became clear to me that I am a freaking nut job!  Some of the things I said were just crazy, off-the-wall, petty, self-absorbed, and overly pessimistic.  I don’t want to be that kind of a person.  I mean, I guess if I’m being honest with myself I’ve always known that I have a tendency to be those things, but I didn’t see how BAD it was until I read the posts again today.  I see myself repeating the same patterns over and over and over.  I’ve been unhappy and bored with my jobs for 8 years.  I’ve been complaining about not knowing what makes me happy for at least 6 years.  I’ve been having weird, social anxiety-like issues with building friendships since even before my first diary entry.  And I’ve been having similar issues with boyfriends every time I have one, and then experiencing the same deep, desperate sadness and emptiness when each relationship ends.  Maybe the reason I can never be happy in a relationship is because I’m so unhappy with myself.  I wish I could snap my fingers and all of these problems would be gone…