We Broke Up Last Night

After a week of him barely coming home and hardly ever texting me or talking to me, I asked him if he still wanted to be with me yesterday via text.  We were both at work, so he said we’d talk about it when he got home.

We talked when he got home late that night and he basically said he couldn’t be a boyfriend right now, he needed to figure out his life.  He said that our relationship had been stagnant for a while and with him being away from his family and always tired from the commute that he was in a bad place mentally and really unhappy.  He also said that he’d like the possibility of children to be in his future, but I’m definitely against having kids.  So, in the end we broke up.  He said we can talk about starting up a relationship again after he moves back to MD.  But, who knows when that will be and who knows when or if he will actually want to have this talk.

Despite all the crap that has happened between us this past year, I’m totally distraught.  I still love him and I thought he’d always want to work things out with me no matter what.  But, looking back I can see a big difference in our recent fights compared to our earlier fights.  And I can see a big difference in how he was when we first started dating and how he was after 5-6 months of living with me.  I feel like I fucked this up.  I mean I know it’s not totally, 100% my fault, but I feel like I should have made more effort to show love and compassion and positivity to him while we lived together.  But, in my own defense, I was really thrown for a loop this year with the financial stress of the house and all the repairs, and my mom passing away, and even the stress of our relationship and living together and fighting all the time took a big toll on me.

I feel so sick looking back at this relationship.  It had so much potential and we just fucked it up.  Don’t ever, ever take your loved ones for granted.

I have no idea what to do with myself now.  All the crap that used to matter even just 1-2 weeks ago means nothing now.  I just want him to hug me and kiss me again and tell me we’ll work it out.  I’ve just been sleeping and crying and watching YouTube videos all day.  I don’t know what else to do… I sleep and watch videos to distract myself and when I can’t distract myself, I cry.  What am I going to do here without him??  How am I going to continue living here in this house with all the memories of us?  This whole neighborhood and city has memories of us.  All the bike rides we took around the city and DC, all the restaurants and movies we went to, all the walks with took with the dogs, all the meals we cooked together, laughing and making jokes about wine.  All the kitchuch he’d give me and torture Molly with haha.  He was a lot of fun to do things with, but not so much fun to be at home living with lol.

I don’t know if I can do this.. again.  This is broken heart, like, #6.  So empty inside now… and lonely.. and so desperately sad.  This is almost as bad as broken heart #1….

Weird Day for Sure

It’s been a weird and unexpected day.  I woke up this morning a little earlier than usual for a Saturday and begged and pleaded with my boyfriend to come with me to meet someone from Craigslist to sell a baby stroller I’ve been trying to get rid of for a while.  We met the guy who had driven over an hour to get there, but he decides not to buy it because it didn’t come with the car seat.  So, that was disappointing, but I didn’t really have high hopes for it anyway.

Then, I felt bad because I made my boyfriend come out with me and he didn’t seem to want to so I took him to District Doughnuts to make up for it.  Then, we went home and he began playing video games.  I bent over to kiss him and he did what he usually did – kiss me once then back away and tried to see the TV better.  I wasn’t really that upset about that particular thing, but I went ahead and asked him why he’s been so distant lately.  He doesn’t show much affection for me anymore and it’s been months.  He tried to blame it on me at first, but then he finally said that he’s not happy living out here in Virginia, so far from work and his family.  He said he wasn’t ready to live with anyone and wasn’t prepared for all the responsibility of it.  So, I said that’s fine. I understand, I would rather you be happy in Maryland than be cranky and tired all the time and live here with me in VA.  So we agreed that he would move out soon.  He’s already contacted two people about renting a room.

I know it’s for the best because we’ve both been having a very difficult time living with each other.  He’s always cranky and so am I so hopefully this will help.

However, I’m kind of sad that he wasn’t more sad about moving away from me.  He actually seems really happy about it and is in a good mood.  I’m also kind of pissed off at him because he said “oh I’ve done the math and I can afford an apartment at $1220/month in rent” but he’s only paying MAYBE half that to live here with me.  He’s been telling me that he’s having a really hard time financially and can’t afford to pay for more than the utilities and food while living here… but those bills definitely don’t come out to $1220/month.  WTF?

We aren’t planning to break up as of right now.  He’s just going to move out.  But, I’m feeling really let down here.  I was depressed before this and now I’m feeling like everything is falling apart and getting even worse.  I feel like I’m nobody, invisible, like nobody wants to even bother with me. What’s so wrong with me that no one wants to stay with me?

Yeah, he’s only moving out, not breaking up with me, but what does that say about our relationship?  If it was working so well, then he wouldn’t be so eager to go.

I just don’t see the point in trying anymore.

Thoughts on Excessive Wealth

For years and years I’ve strongly desired success for the sake of having tons and tons of money.  I think most people would say the same.  It’s not unusual.  But, today I read some really candid posts on a website from some very rich people and the general consensus seems to be that yes, the money allows you to buy whatever you want and do whatever you want whenever you want with little concern about the cost.  But, the things that you can buy don’t bring long-term happiness.  In fact, it seems like the excitement the things bring only lasts a week or two.  These people might have everything in the world that one could desire to have, but they still have the same problems that I do now – trouble with romance, trouble being accepted by others, trouble figuring out what to do with their lives.

Honestly, at my core, I knew this.  That’s what everyone says – money can’t buy happiness.  And I know it’s true, of course.  OF COURSE.  But, admittedly, there was a part of me that felt like money would solve all my problems and make me happy anyway.

So, then I thought about it for a while.  Why do I REALLY want excessive amounts of money??  The reasons I came up with are:

1) To have something to be proud of
2) To show the world that I matter
3) To not have the stress of worrying about if I have enough money in my bank account to pay all the bills and the mortgage
4) To have the freedom to quit my job and never have to take another job again (unless I wanted to)
5) To have the TIME to allow myself to go through the process of figuring out what I really want to do with my time here on Earth

My reasons don’t involve buying expensive things at all.  I could do without the things. I just want time, freedom, accomplishment, and respect.

I suppose I don’t need millions of dollars to achieve these things.  In fact, having millions of dollars might not give me ANY of these things.  That being said, how else could I achieve these things?  That, I don’t know.