After a week of him barely coming home and hardly ever texting me or talking to me, I asked him if he still wanted to be with me yesterday via text. We were both at work, so he said we’d talk about it when he got home.
We talked when he got home late that night and he basically said he couldn’t be a boyfriend right now, he needed to figure out his life. He said that our relationship had been stagnant for a while and with him being away from his family and always tired from the commute that he was in a bad place mentally and really unhappy. He also said that he’d like the possibility of children to be in his future, but I’m definitely against having kids. So, in the end we broke up. He said we can talk about starting up a relationship again after he moves back to MD. But, who knows when that will be and who knows when or if he will actually want to have this talk.
Despite all the crap that has happened between us this past year, I’m totally distraught. I still love him and I thought he’d always want to work things out with me no matter what. But, looking back I can see a big difference in our recent fights compared to our earlier fights. And I can see a big difference in how he was when we first started dating and how he was after 5-6 months of living with me. I feel like I fucked this up. I mean I know it’s not totally, 100% my fault, but I feel like I should have made more effort to show love and compassion and positivity to him while we lived together. But, in my own defense, I was really thrown for a loop this year with the financial stress of the house and all the repairs, and my mom passing away, and even the stress of our relationship and living together and fighting all the time took a big toll on me.
I feel so sick looking back at this relationship. It had so much potential and we just fucked it up. Don’t ever, ever take your loved ones for granted.
I have no idea what to do with myself now. All the crap that used to matter even just 1-2 weeks ago means nothing now. I just want him to hug me and kiss me again and tell me we’ll work it out. I’ve just been sleeping and crying and watching YouTube videos all day. I don’t know what else to do… I sleep and watch videos to distract myself and when I can’t distract myself, I cry. What am I going to do here without him?? How am I going to continue living here in this house with all the memories of us? This whole neighborhood and city has memories of us. All the bike rides we took around the city and DC, all the restaurants and movies we went to, all the walks with took with the dogs, all the meals we cooked together, laughing and making jokes about wine. All the kitchuch he’d give me and torture Molly with haha. He was a lot of fun to do things with, but not so much fun to be at home living with lol.
I don’t know if I can do this.. again. This is broken heart, like, #6. So empty inside now… and lonely.. and so desperately sad. This is almost as bad as broken heart #1….