Another Blah Day

I’m off work all of this week.  I set up a mystery shop for today just to try to earn a bit of extra money.  I also had my second chat with Scott this morning.  My first chat with him was really invigorating, but this one was more depressing.  I admitted that I was having some financial problems and that immediately changed the conversation up.  He gave me some suggestions – 1) sell the house and take the hit financially so that I’ll be less stressed out and then I can move on to better things with my life.  2) For the time being, focus on selling high-value items only, get away from the small items that don’t bring much profit and just waste my time and efforts.

All of this is good advice, but it is a lot to take in at once.  Those two things are BIG changes in my life. I feel overwhelmed and I don’t know how or where to begin.  I had a real estate agent come by the house last week to give an approximate value that she thought it would sell for and it was $10k less than what I paid for it only 10 months ago. Which was, of course, shocking and hugely disappointing.  But, she also gave me some ideas for staging the house.  Some of them being move the furniture around to have better flow, put art on the walls, put up curtains, etc.  And I was thinking about just putting up curtains today and I began pricing out curtain rods and curtains – and it’s soooo expensive!  For someone who is struggling to find $50 extra per month, it’s a lot of money!  And there are a billion options and styles and lengths and widths and omg it’s overwhelming!!  And then I thought about decluttering and moving all of my inventory to a storage unit somewhere… and I already know from moving twice in the past 2 years that it’s a HUGE undertaking.  It’s stressful and physically demanding.  And if I do decide to sell the house, I’d need to get the inventory out of the house FAST.  My usual technique to moving all the stuff is a slow, 1 month long process of taking several boxes in my car every day.  I like to break it down into manageable chunks.  But, I don’t think I’d be able to do it that way if I decide to sell.

What Scott said also made me feel like maybe the second, part-time job or all these side jobs isn’t a good answer to my problem.  Which SUCKS.  I have been obsessively spending all my spare time researching jobs and applying and doing microtasks online to make money etc etc.  I feel like I just wasted a ton of time barking up the wrong tree.

All this has just drained the life out of me.  I feel so tired and fearful and SAD.  I’m sad that THIS has become my life now. One year ago, if you had asked me, I would have said my life is going in a better direction.  Now, I would say that I’ve set myself back YEARS financially.  I’m so, so, SO angry with myself.  I don’t want to go through paying off $10k-20k in debt and THEN saving up $20k+ all over again from scratch for my next down-payment.  I just want to scream my lungs out in frustration!!!!!!!

But, I want this stress to go away.  Maybe in the end it will be the best thing for me.  I just wish God would let me know what to do!  The uncertainty of it is the worst part!  I am praying, but so far no answer….

I feel like I’m out of ideas!  I’m out of motivation to try anything further because nothing works out for me.  Everything I try fails.  I do all the right things, I pay off debt, I save money for years for a house, and I still get screwed.  I feel utterly defeated.


My Thoughts for the Day

Pretty uneventful Saturday.  Dennis was supposed to work today, but at the last minute his coworker flaked out on him so he woke up early, got ready, ate breakfast, and everything early, but then didn’t have to go to work.  So, he forced me to wake up early with him so we could go out for breakfast and do some shopping before the crowds got too bad.

Dennis took me to a shoe store in Old Town and I tried on a few pairs of shoes and picked out a really nice pair of Nike’s.  They’re super light weight and feel like just wearing a sock.  Then he took me to Dick’s and bought me a nice running sweater and a headband to keep my ears warm.  Looking forward to trying out all my new jogging goodies this coming week!  I’ve been slacking hard this week and actually only went out jogging once all week.  I feel pretty bad about that, but it’s not the end of the world.  I’ll make sure to jog a few times this week before Christmas.

I checked out my eBay/Amazon spreadsheet that calculates all my earnings and expenses and was quite disappointed.  After all the fees and expenses, I’ve only made like $20 this month so far.  I don’t know what’s up.  I’ve been making shit money from eBay and Amazon this whole year and even part of last year.  I’m feeling so unmotivated.  It’s dull and uninteresting work to me now and I put all this effort in to only make $20-100 per month.  I used to really enjoy it back in 2012 when I started doing it, but now it’s getting old and barely profitable.  I’d like to start a completely difference business, but I’m kind of stuck on what else to do.  I’m not really good at many things and I don’t have any widely marketable skills so I just really don’t know what to try.

Oh! So my neighbor next door that I share a wall with in my duplex got arrested this past Thursday right on my front lawn!  I was working from home on my laptop in my living room when I hear someone yelling “STOP! HANDS UP!” right outside my window.  I peeked out the window and there’s two cops with shotguns pointed at something.  Then I look to the right and holy crap!  It’s my neighbor.  They put him on the ground and arrested him then went into the house next door and were ruffling through things for the next 2-3 hours.  After a while a fire truck came by as well, not sure why.  I always suspected that he sold drugs.  He never seemed to go to a job and there were always people stopping by his house for 15 mins at a time.  I hate to be *that* girl, but I’m kind of glad he’s been arrested.  Not that I’m all up in arms about selling drugs.  No, actually, I just hated all the noise they made over there that disrupted the peace in my side of the duplex AND I hated that all the cigarettes they smoked over there bleed through the walls and made my whole basement stink and made the closet in the master bedroom unusable because of the smell.  Things have been much more comfortable in my side of the duplex with him gone.  Though I did hear someone over there today, but they were only there for about 20-30 mins.  I feel like God had this event happen for a reason and even if it’s only temporary, I’m grateful for the peace it is giving me!

A Disappointing Realization

I’ve come to a realization these past few days.  I went home to see my Dad last week for 3 days for Thanksgiving.  And we did a lot of talking about everything – Mom, my relationship with my boyfriend, my financial problems with my house, my job, etc.  In the end, I felt like such a loser and a disappointment.  Not because of how my Dad reacted, but because I had such high expectations for myself and talking about where I am in life with this house and my romantic life and my work life made me realize that I’ve got everything wrong.  I’m disappointed in myself and I’m disappointed that I’m not a more impressive person.  I know my Dad is proud of me, he’s said it many times, but I wish I was more successful and didn’t have all these problems that I have now.

I never really thought about it, but after coming home and thinking about stuff for a few more days, I realized that I’m just average and not exceptional in any way.  I know to some people this is like a “ok, yeah who cares” statement, but for me it isn’t.  I’ve spent all of my life thinking that things will fall into place for me at some point in the future and I will FINALLY figure out that wonderful THING makes me special and unique.  I will finally figure out that thing that sets me apart from the crowd and THEN I will have a reason to feel good about myself, motivation to live, a direction to go with my life.

But, here I am, 31 years old, not married, no kids, getting further and further into a debt hole because of a crappy house that I bought, 3 out of 4 of my close family members are dead, and I still haven’t figured *IT* out.  I don’t know what makes me special or unique and I’ve come to the realization that there just isn’t anything that makes me special.  I’m boring and just like everybody else.  Just another cow in the herd, doing the same thing as everybody else.   I’m not uniquely beautiful, or tall and slender.  I don’t have any special talents or skills.  I’m not the life of the party with tons of friends.  I’m not particularly exceptional at my job (which I don’t even like to begin with!).  I don’t even have a hobby.  Plain and simple, I’m not unique in any category.

I even took a very expensive, scientifically backed test to determine my skills.  My results?  I wasn’t particularly exceptional in any category they tested.  Most of the time I tested average or below average in every category.  I went there because I couldn’t figure out anything that I was good at.  And I paid hundreds of dollars just to confirm that yes indeed – I’m not good at anything.

I’ve also asked friends over the years “what is something that I’m good at?” and they have ALL responded with only one response: “you’re good at being a friend”.  Which is cool. I’m not putting that down, but it wasn’t the response I was hoping for.  Anyway, the point is, nobody else thinks I’m exceptional or special either.

This realization just SUCKS.  It takes all of the life energy out of me.  There’s a billion other people in the world just like me.  Why do I even exist?  Why do I need to exist?  What kind of life is this?  It’s not even a life, it’s just some blah existence that I want to get out of.

Often, when I pray at night, I end up asking God what I’m doing here on earth and why he even bothered to create me.  I’m not doing much of anything while I’m here and I’m not accomplishing anything.  I have very few friends and I haven’t even seen them in a few months.  My close family members are almost all dead except for my Dad.  My other family members I very rarely even see and I don’t think they care much about me. Why would they?  They don’t even know me.  I can’t even make a relationship work.  I’ve tried and failed about 9 times.  Each time I try and fail it makes it that much harder to want to try again.  Every break up takes a little bit out of me and I’m afraid there’s not going to be anything left soon.  And at this point I feel like the reason every relationship fails is ME.  I’m doing something to damage the relationships… either that or I’m just picking the wrong people right off the bat and I don’t know what makes them “wrong” and how to spot them before I fall in love with them.  It’s an evil cycle.

I feel like my life is slipping away and I’ve got nothing to show for it.  And I never will.  No matter how much I try and plan and work, nothing works out for me in the end.