Missing Mom and Feeling Really Alone

I’m not sure where to start.. Last night my boyfriend Dennis and I had another argument.  The longer we’re in a relationship together, the less interested he seems in actually communicating with me.  I’m not much better though.  But, last night it was mostly me yelling and him ignoring me.  We have both been struggling financially since moving into this house.  He doesn’t tell me everything that’s going on with him and his finances, but then something will come up and he can’t pay a bill and he asks me to pay and he’ll pay me back, then he keeps making excuses about why he can’t pay me back.  He doesn’t tell me why, just that he doesn’t have the money. But, he doesn’t stop going out to eat at restaurants and he bought a new computer monitor and Xbox controller.  I might take it more seriously if he seemed to actually be concerned about his financial situation.  But, he doesn’t.  He keeps saying “things will get better, things will get better”.  But, things AREN’T going to get better if he doesn’t change anything or do something.

I’m a first hand witness to things NOT getting any better.  It’s been 8 months of us living here and his financial situation seems to only get worse.  He admitted to me a few weeks ago that he’s behind a few payments on his car loan.  But, I don’t see him DOING anything to make things better, which INFURIATES me.  He just comes home from work and plays video games and seems to not have a care in the world.  Meanwhile, EVERYDAY I’m online trying to pick up mystery shopping jobs and dog sitting jobs in my spare time, while selling everything I can on Ebay and Amazon AND doing online surveys every damn day like a maniac AND working micro jobs on 3 other websites.  I’m also very close to just getting a part-time job delivering pizzas or valet driving or something.  I’m trying to avoid that if possible, I’d prefer to have something more flexible so I can work on it in the middle of the night whenever I choose, but at the same time I need consistent money.

And then whenever I mention to Dennis that I’m stressed out about money, he seems to not care.  He won’t even have a conversation about it.  He just says “it’ll be ok..” then turns away.  That’s all he can say.  If I mention me getting a part time job he’ll roll his eyes and say “cmon, it’s not that bad!!”.  But, he’s not the one paying the mortgage and paying for all of the repairs that this house has needed.  I’ve had to call a plumber to the house 5 times since buying this house in March for 3 different reasons.  And I’ve had to had a sewer line replaced already.  Plus we’ve had HVAC issues and now I’m looking at another $1,000+ to get a new water heater.  But, hey it’s not that bad says Dennis.  It’s not that bad because he has no skin in the game with this house.  All he has to do is complain when something goes wrong and I’m the one taking care of it.

I feel so alone.  It’s such a screwed up situation.  I feel like he doesn’t care at all about how stressful this is for me and how I’m feeling and what I’m going through.

He doesn’t even care when I tell him about the times I’m having trouble dealing with my Mom’s passing.  I’ve spent some nights crying for hours by myself in the living room so I don’t disturb him in bed and I tell him about it the next day and he barely says anything beyond “oh ok”.

Thanksgiving is coming up, obviously, and it’s the first Thanksgiving my Dad and I are having without Mom.  I’m dreading it.  I’ll be back home at Dad’s new house.  Mom and Dad were planning to come down to my apartment last year for Thanksgiving, but had to cancel those plans because Mom was feeling so bad.  And then Thanksgiving night was when Mom had to be taken to the hospital because she couldn’t breathe.  It was kind of the “beginning of the end.”  That’s when thing’s started getting really bad for her.  I wish I had someone to talk to about it and I wish that person was Dennis.  But, it isn’t.  And I’m lonely.

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