Thursday was my 30th birthday. I took Thurs and Friday off work to relax and just get some errands done. I didn’t do anything exciting or even meet up with anyone. I was admittedly a little depressed about the thought of turning 30. I guess I’m a bit freaked out at the thought of being less and less desirable to men as each year passes and therefore less and less able to find someone to love me and spend my life with. I never really had any goals or desires for my life other than finding my “soulmate”. It makes me so desperately sad to think that it’s entirely possible that I’ll never find that person. To me, life has no meaning without that person. Throughout my 20s I was at least able to have hope that I would meet that person sometime in the future – any day now, in fact! But, it’s been a good 10 years of waiting and hoping and looking and he still ain’t here. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this, just going through the motions to act like I give a crap about the rest of the mundane things that life involves… ugh… I can’t take it! I can’t do it! After 10 years I’m losing hope and motivation. A lot of nights I pray that God will just let me die because what the heck else is left for me? But, then every morning I wake up and within 5 seconds realize that I have to go through another day. It’s so draining. It’s a terrible way to wake up. No… it’s just terrible to wake up in general. Most of the time I don’t even dream, so it’s perfect. I just drift into oblivion.
I know a lot of this has to do with my depression. But damn it I’m on prozac! And I’ve been on a bunch of other meds and talked to a lot of therapists and nothing helps. I’m sooooo tired of trying to fight the depression. Why should I fight it anymore? I can never win the war, only win a battle here and there – just enough to get me through the day/week/month/whatever. I don’t understand why I have to live this way. What is it accomplishing?
Every month – rent to pay, bills to pay, errands to run, etc. etc. It’s just an endless cycle and we don’t really get anywhere. And honestly, I don’t really care to get a promotion, or a higher salary, or a higher place in society or whatever. Because I understand now that money doesn’t make me happy. There’s nothing on this earth that I could buy that would kill this sad, empty feeling inside me. And you can’t buy love. And you can’t force someone to love you. Even with the best personality in the world, you can’t make someone love you. But, keeping my hopes up that the right person for me is going to come along is difficult. There’s no guarantee they ever will. In the meantime, why keep bother keeping my hopes up?
Happy birthday. Life sucks.