Half of today was ok, the other half got bad. Missing Alain of course. My whole life seems unreal.. His memory seems so distant but, emotionally I still feel close to him. If that makes any sense. I wish so badly that I knew what made him stop loving me. I also wish that I knew why he still won’t talk to me even 9 years later. I feel sick thinking about what a complete mess I’ve become and how my life is wasting away and I simply can’t stop it. I wish I could just turn it off and get on with my life, but he’s a part of me now and I can’t get rid of him. I really really REALLY wish I just wouldn’t wake up tomorrow morning. I just want to fall into a neverending sleep. I just want to stop remembering him. I want to stop having flashbacks 100 times a day because some little thing reminds me of him. And it’s like EVERY LITTLE THING reminds me of him. I want to believe that all this happened for a reason and there’s some greater purpose… But it’s hard to believe that today. The pain is endless and constant and pointless and nothing stops it. There really isn’t a good reason that I shouldn’t kill myself. Nothing on this earth makes me happy. I don’t want to be on this earth anymore.
That’s the thing about life… no matter how much it hurts, it just doesn’t stop. Just because you hit bottom 1000 times doesn’t mean you’ll ever come back up. Things never get better.
I just got off the phone with my mom and her breast cancer has spread to her shoulder bone and one of the bones in her spine. She’s going to start two new chemo drugs in April so before then she wants to come here to visit me for my birthday. Also, she told me that the house they were about to buy ended up having too many things wrong with it and the seller doesn’t want to fix them, so they are probably not going to get this house. It’s just bad news on top of bad news. I’m scared for my mom and she said she’s scared too. She didn’t even ask how big the cancer in her bones was – she was too scared to know. I don’t know how she can even handle this. I would be terrified if it was me.
And a few weeks ago she lost the trail against her former employer so that was also a disappointment. She spent so much time and effort into that case and it was all for nothing. To me, it seems like things just get worse and worse for her. I feel terrible about it but I don’t know what I could do to help.
Everyday I feel like I learn that the world is even more cruel than I thought it was the day before.
It’s Monday, but it was snowing all day so I got to work from home. Gotta go to the office tomorrow though Tomorrow there’s supposed to be some happy hour in our honor, but I don’t want to go.
Last Wednesday I was rear-ended on 66 on the way to work around 6am. A salt truck pulled out onto the highway going half the speed of everyone else and all of the cars in front of me slammed on their brakes. I slammed on mine and almost hit the person in front of me. Then the guy behind me hit me. Fortunately, there didn’t seem to be any damage at all… but it was still dark out so we got each other’s information just in case. AJ saw some scuffs on the back bumper this weekend and convinced me to call up the guy’s insurance company and report it anyway. So, this Wednesday I have to take my car to the Geico center to be checked out/repaired.
I received my iPad in the mail this Saturday. I’ve been obsessively playing games on it ever since lol.