Another long day at work. Started work at 6:30a today and worked till 3. This project has a mandatory 30 minute lunch break rule so in order to charge 8 hours, you must clock in 8 and 1/2 hours. The room we sit in was SO hot today. Thank goodness I didn’t have to sit in there past 3pm… I might have actually fell asleep. I didn’t miss Alain too much today. I guess I was too busy hating my job lol.
I ran into Blair and Chris today. They worked with me when I was on State the first time around. I am surprised how many of the same people are there. And I’m really surprised that they recognize and remember me. I didn’t really recognize them and I definitely didn’t remember their names lol.
I just got off the phone with my parents. They’re going to buy a house up the street from where they live now. Which is awesome and I’m so happy for them. But, then I started talking about my job with Dad and it just started bumming me out. I don’t like my job and the commute sucks and now my alternate hours are going to make me so tired and the traffic stresses me out so much. I know the project will be over in 6 months, but I’m already feeling so tired and unmotivated. I don’t want to do this anymore! I don’t know what I’d rather be doing either… I don’t want to do anything really. I truly wish I didn’t exist at all.
Spent the weekend with AJ as usual. We slept in till 1:30 on Saturday then went out for a long walk with the dogs and then to TGIFridays for dinner. We rented Riddick, but it was a dumb movie… I couldn’t follow it. Sunday we slept in again and just lazed around the house. Took another nap in the afternoon lol. Explain to me why I feel so tired now even though I slept so much this weekend.
Gotta go to work tomorrow at 6am. FML.
Yesterday was my first day onsite in Rosslyn. I was feeling really positive in the morning, but the day kind of sucked. Traffic was crazy in the morning and it stressed me out because I was worried I was going to be late. Fortunately, I was on time. The security briefing took about 2 hours, then we went straight back to a training room to get situated. Nobody thought to give us a bathroom break or break for lunch. Alyssa let us leave at 2, but I was still starving and I had to head out on the road before HOV kicked in so I couldn’t grab lunch then either. After she let us go, I spent about 30 mins walking all through the parking garages trying to find my car. I was in such a rush parking it in the morning that I didn’t make much of a mental note of where I left it.
Today wasn’t much better. We spent most of the morning getting IDs and passwords set up. The training room we’re set up in is hot and stuffy and it makes me so tired. And we’re required to take a 30 minute lunch break… I don’t know how they can force us to do that, but it sucks! By the time it was 5:00, I was ready to go then Len reminded me that we have that 30 min lunch break thing… so I had to wait till 5:30 to leave. I was soooo tired and frustrated with a headache at the end of the day. Then AJ calls me and wants me to help him take his Evo to the bodyshop. So, I drive straight up to MD after work to pick him up and drive him around. Didn’t get home till 8pm, then we went to Fosters Grill for dinner. FML it’s been a long day. I don’t want to have days like this all the time I don’t know how I put up with this job for 8-9 months back in 2009. Maybe it’s time for a new job. Or maybe a new career. At this point, there’s really nothing at ALL that I enjoy about my job except for the money. And I could be persuaded to give some of that up for more free time. The problem is finding a job that won’t cost me 50% of what I’m making now… lol. I don’t mind giving up some of my salary, but not 50% of it.
I’ve been working from home the last couple days. I’m going into DoS tomorrow for a security briefing and then I’ll be working in Rosslyn everyday Not looking forward to the long days and bad commute. But, I am looking forward to getting out of the house tomorrow!
Yesterday, Tom found me on FB (yes THAT Tom). It was kind of shocking. We chatted for a little while then I signed off. He looks almost exactly the same as when I was seeing him… except maybe a little chubbier. He was feeling me out trying to see if I was with someone.. when I said I was the convo died a bit. Even if I wasn’t with someone I wouldn’t want to see Tom again. There was nothing there and there never was.
Every so often, randomly throughout the day, I’ll think of Alain. I don’t think I will ever be whole again. I guess that’s just how many people have to live their lives. I”m not sure what God’s purpose for taking him away from me was, but I sure hope he gives me a new purpose soon. I feel like I’ve been a zombie for the past 9 years. I’m just living and going through the motions because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I don’t have any wants or goals or desires anymore. I’m not working towards anything anymore. I’m just existing because I don’t know what else to do.
It’s President’s Day so I have the day off work. I’m extremely grateful to not have to work today
Yesterday was another up and down day. The first half of the day I felt hopeless and I started to feel very panicky at one point. It was after AJ and I got back from grocery shopping. We brought in all the groceries from the car, but I had to go to the bathroom so I just dropped everything by the front door and ran to the bathroom lol. When I came out, AJ was already undressed and playing a video game on his iPad. He didn’t put any of the groceries away of course. So, I put the groceries away and then I go take the dogs out and of course the dogs are wound up and barking and pulling everywhere and the whole situation just seemed too frustrating for me to bear. I wanted to explode with anger at AJ for not helping with the groceries and at the dogs for being so crazy and at myself for even getting into this situation.
Then, I came back inside the apartment and tried to relax and watch Netflix with AJ. I got up to preheat the oven to cook a frozen pizza and then came back to the couch to wait with AJ while it warmed up. And he asks me what I’m doing…. I tell him I’m waiting for the oven to preheat of course. I swear he asks the dumbest questions sometimes. I don’t get him. So, that dumb question just added to my frustration. Then my damn phone rings and it’s a 412 number that I don’t recognize. For some reason I thought it was going to be my mom so I answer it but it turns out to be Rebecca. She just wants to chit chat for a while. She hasn’t called me in like 1 year so I wasn’t expecting a call like this at all haha. But, it was really nice of her. So, we chat for a while until my pizza was ready. Then the rest of the evening went well with just AJ and I watching Netflix, relaxing.
It was a very up-and-down kind of day… AJ is spending the weekend. I tried hard to stay in a good mood and to not be so quick to get angry at him. I think I did ok most of the time, but sometimes I lost my patience and yelled at him. A lot of the day I felt so hopeless… thinking of never seeing Alain again… I guess a part of me always thought that if I gave him enough time and space he would eventually come back to me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it gave me a little bit of hope and the ability to keep going. Anyway, the thought of really truly never seeing him again even if I wanted to was freaking me out a lot today. It’s a very empty feeling and also feels like a ton of weight is dropped on my chest – I can’t breathe and I feel faint. Several times throughout the day I was so close to breaking down and crying… because I don’t know how else to deal with this feeling! But, I couldn’t cry because AJ is here and I’d have no way of explaining this to him. The feeling kind of paralyzes me… I can’t pull my thoughts away from Alain even if I’m out in public with friends or AJ and we’re in the middle of a conversation. I become unable to hold a conversation because my brain can’t focus on what people are saying and how I could respond.
AJ and I hung out in my apartment most of the day. It was cold and a little snowy. AJ tried to make some bread, but it turned out hard as a rock and strange tasting haha. So, we’re just going to feed it to the dogs. Then we went out to BonChon for dinner and met up with Vahid and Britney to see Ride Along with Kevin Hart. It was fairly funny, but not worth the $11.50 lol.
I think I am going to have to start seeing a psychiatrist and therapist again. The depression this time around is really distracting from my everyday life and is making it almost impossible for me to do my job. I’m still taking Prozac, but I don’t think it’s having much of an affect anymore. I’m starting to fantasize about how I could kill myself. It’s comforting in a way and distracts my mind from the even worse thought of never being with Alain again. I’m too scared to actually commit suicide, but the thought of the relief I could have by not existing anymore is very attractive.
It snowed over 1 foot yesterday so it’s a snowed-in kind of Valentine’s day. But, the weather is kind of warm so the snow is melting fast. AJ will probably come over tonight. I got him a card and some chocolates. I’m not sure what to write in the card though lol. I spent about an hour shoveling snow so I could get my car out of the parking lot. I’m soooo sore now. My left arm is shaking uncontrollably haha. I went out to grab lunch and go to the storage unit and by the time I came back to the apartment, the plow trucks had plowed the space that I spent an hour digging out. Bastards…
I’m feeling a bit more positive today than I was yesterday. But, I still feel generally hopeless. I spent some time reading my previous Dear Diary entries and I swear, if I judge by my diary entries, it seems like I miss Alain more now than I did in the first 1-2 years after he dumped me. But, that contradicts my memories of that time. I remember crying a lot in my dorm room and having to step out of class to go cry in the bathroom or miss a class all together because I couldn’t stop crying. I still am finding it impossible to accept Alain’s rejection. It’s like someone trying to tell me that 1 + 1 = 14. My brain just can’t accept it even if it is the truth. It’s so frustrating and confusing… my brain and my heart believing different things. My heart is stupid.
It’s been a rough few weeks. I spent a lot of time cooped up in my apartment with the dogs. It’s been snowing a lot and very cold so I don’t take them out much… They’re getting antsy, I can tell… they bark and go crazy at every little sound they hear from outside. I feel bad for not taking them out more, but the snow is up to my knees and they haven’t plowed the sidewalks.
I’m trying out a new investment site – It’s a HYIP called Cryptory. They mine bitcoin or something lol. I put a few hundred dollars in so we’ll see how it goes…
My project at work, GSA, had some funding issues so about half of the people on the team have been “loaned out” to other projects. I’m on DoS along with Len, Claudia and Audrey. At least I will know some people when I get there. And yes, this is the same project I was at in ’08 and ’09 in Rosslyn. The commute is going to be a bitch and I’m going to have to have the dog walker come more often… at $22 a day. FML. This time around I am considering moving closer to DC. I could probably afford a 2 bedroom at certain places in Falls Church, Arlington or Alexandria. The problem is that now I have two dogs and a lot of these places seem to have a one dog maximum. Sooo… we’ll see :-/
I’ve been kind of thinking about messaging Alain on Facebook… I know he probably won’t respond, but I feel so desperate… It’s a feeling like I’m underwater trying to get air, but I can never quite reach the surface.