12/23/2013

It was a quiet day at work.  I didn’t have much to do, so I just took it easy surfing the web.  Went to lunch at Guapos with Paulette and gave her a Christmas gift of Godiva chocolates.  After work I went to Dave’s apartment.  We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner.  Dave showed me some pictures of his two friends wedding in Virginia Beach in the snow.  I mentioned that I thought the groom was hot.  Then Dave seemed to get offended that I never talked about HIM that way.  I think I offended him :-/  But, I told him two times already that I wasn’t interested in him as more than a friend.  After dinner we went to Safeway and then back to his apartment to watch the Invention of Lying.

Last Week

Last Saturday morning I think I had a seizure or something similar.  It was around 11am and AJ and I were in bed and I heard a knock on my patio door.  I went to go check on it and it was my neighbor Linda from the senior apartments in the next building.  I opened up the patio door and we were chatting for a while.  She mentioned that all the trouble she was having with her intestines was due to cancer.  I was praying that it wouldn’t be cancer, but unfortunately it was.  Anyway, not even 10 seconds after she left I passed out on the floor.  AJ said I got really stiff and was moving around strangely.  This lasted about 10 seconds, then I remember being semi-conscious and hearing AJ ask me if I needed to get to the bed.  I couldn’t quite figure out where I was, what was going on, who he was, etc.  It took me about another 10 minutes of rolling around on the floor to get back to full consciousness.  Then I felt sick – nauseous and headache – so I took a nap for about 1-2 hours.  Very weird morning…. After I felt normal, I researched on youtube people having seizures and it seemed very similar to what just happened to me.  That’s the only time it’s ever happened to me, so I’m not too concerned right now.  If it ever happens again I’ll go to the doctor.

Later on last week, maybe Wednesday, I did some more research online about my obsession with Alain.  I think I might have erotomania.  Which is a delusion that someone who hasn’t shown any particular interest in you is in love with you and you are in love and obsessed with them to the point where it disturbs your daily life.  It can escalate to the point of stalking. I wouldn’t say that I think Alain is in love with me right now, but I can’t shake the feeling that if I just said the right thing or if he saw me in person he would fall in love with me again and we could pick up where we left off.  Also, I can’t shake the feeling that he broke up with me for a completely legit and possibly romantic reason.  For example, he realized he loved me too much and couldn’t stand being so dependent on someone.  Yes, I know, that sounds insane!!  And I definitely still feel like I’m in love with him and then all those emails I sent him earlier this year…. and all my fantasies about finding where he lives and works and waiting for him outside one of those places until he sees me….    I always knew there was something *wrong* with me, but I didn’t think I would turn out to actually be psychotic. :-/  I don’t want to let this escalate into full-blown stalking.  I don’t want to bother him or cause anybody any trouble.  I also don’t want to embarrass myself!

I got a call back from the hiring manager for a BA position through my company on a project in Astoria, Queens, NY.  The team sounds interested in me after seeing my resume, so they want to set up a time to speak with me next week (the week after Xmas).  I’m really, really excited about the possibility of moving to NY, but I’m really, really bummed at the thought of possibly losing AJ because of this move.  I haven’t mentioned this job to him and I’m putting off telling him as long as possible.  I KNOW he’s going to be pissed and won’t understand my reasons for wanting to go.  He also told me in the past that he doesn’t want to do a long-distance relationship.  I’m not sure if I can do this without AJ’s support :(

I’m also not sure if me moving to NY is a great idea being that Astoria is actually where Alain lives.  What if my erotomania just gets worse?  What if I actually do start stalking him?  What if moving there ends up making my whole life worse??  AHhhhhHHhhHhhHhHh!!!

Sunday Sermon

I’ve been watching Elevation Church’s online sermons most Sundays and I felt like today’s was really good.  The main idea that I took from it that seems to apply directly to my life right now is “Long stretches of darkness and invisibility and silence separate planting from reaping.”  I think this was a revised or modernized version of a Galatians scripture.  It basically means that you always reap what you sow… but the time in between planting your seeds and harvesting may be very long and without encouragement.  You may do good deeds on a daily basis, but sometimes you might not get rewarded for those deeds until weeks, months, or years later.  Maybe not even in this life?  But, you still need to plant those seeds anyway and don’t lose heart or faith.  Pastor Furtick said something that kind of hit me like he was reading my own thoughts: “We (humans) hate the monotony of waiting.”  That’s how I’ve been feeling for years… Like I’m waiting for something and in the meantime, I’m bored with my day-to-day.

But, you know what?  Everybody’s bored with the day-to-day… Whatever awesome thing I might do tomorrow, there’s somebody out there who has done it to the point of boredom.  There’s nothing out there that will keep me from being bored indefinitely.

It seems like life is full of insignificant moments.  It’s still hard for me to see the purpose in continuing with life.

Seizure & Gray Hair

I think I had a seizure yesterday.  It was Saturday around 11am and I heard a knocking on my patio door.  I went to go see what it was and it was my neighbor, Linda (from the retirement apartments).  She was concerned because she hadn’t seen me recently and also wanted to tell me that all the trouble she was having with her intestines for the past few months was due to cancer.  While she was talking to me, I started feeling like I was about to pass out.  Fortunately, she left about 2 seconds before I did pass out.  AJ was there and he said I tensed up for a minute then I sat up I was breathing heavily.  I remember sitting up and just being completely confused as to where I was and who AJ was and who I was.  It took me about 5 minutes to get out of that fog.  And I felt a little bit weird the rest of the day.  Then later on that night around 2am, I woke up from sleeping and started feeling like I was going to pass out.  I was kinda freaked out and didn’t want to let myself go to sleep for fear that I wouldn’t wake up.  But, I guess it was nothing because I did fall asleep and I woke up feeling normal this morning.

So, I’ve been getting gray hairs since college… But, I have my hair up in a ponytail today and I saw how much gray hair I have on the bottom of the back of my head.  It’s so depressing and…. it freaks me out.  I’m not even 30 yet.  Thank God for hair dye.

Still missing Alain.  My reasoning being..?  I’m insane.

Debating for about 1 month as to whether or not to move to NYC.  Things have been going well with AJ for a while so that’s mostly what makes me want to stay in VA.  If our relationship completely disintegrated, I would have no problems moving to NYC.  I’m currently applying for jobs in the NY metro area.  Just to see what happens…