I Hate Myself

I think I actually hate myself.  That’s the emotion that I feel today when I look in the mirror.  Whenever something bad happens, small or large, I want to punch myself in the stomach.  I feel angry at myself even if it wasn’t my fault.  I somehow think that I could have prevented or altered whatever happened.

I feel unloved because I’ve been treated badly by people and continue to receive poor treatment.  I often feel like I don’t want to be around people.  I’m afraid they will make fun of me or be mean to me again.  Things people say don’t roll of my back like I wish they would.

Alain, I release you from my heart and mind.  I cannot hold on to you any longer. The part of me that still loves him is putting up a fight – searching for him online again.

Life Hurts Sometimes

Been depressed last two days.  Why?  I’m sensitive and somebody said something to me that hurt me which I don’t want to repeat.  Every time I’m down I think of Alain.  He’s just a normal guy, not the “god” and savior my brain thinks he is.  I think I’m afraid to open my heart up again.  Somehow, even after all these years, I’m still unable to completely open myself up again like I did with him. I guess he hurt me that bad.  I didn’t think it was possible to be hurt that bad. But, I knew when I was going out with him that if something ever happened it would scar me for life.  I just felt it.  I wish I was wrong.

I’m sad because I’ll never have that love again.  I’m sad because I never had that kind of love in the first place anyway.  He only temporarily loved me and it didn’t take much to separate us.  I would have done anything for him, but he wouldn’t have done the same for me.  I didn’t realize it until much later though.  Lord, how do I continue living like this?  I’m so, so, so, so empty and lonely.  His rejection hurt so much.  I, still to this day, have never felt the same kind of strong love I felt for him.  Not my parents, not any of my friends.  AJ comes close, but then again so did every other boyfriend for a while.  But after a while, the strong feeling fades and I’m back to feeling like this again.  Why?  Because nobody is as wonderful as Alain was.  Or as I THOUGHT he was.  I sound so terribly pathetic :(

And he basically rejected me again when I emailed him in April/May and he never responded.  I have a feeling he received all the messages, but chose to not respond.  I really thought he would give me some kind of response.  I completely misjudged him.  I probably did from the start.  And for some insane reason, knowing all this doesn’t change my feelings.  I want to know what on earth is wrong with me to make me like this!!!  I wish I could change this part of me so bad.  I wish I could just say goodbye to him forever and be okay with it.

Goodbye Alain.  Forever.  Goodbye. I hereby release you from my heart and mind.  I must move on.