I woke up around 5:45am and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I got out of bed around 6:20 and went on the computer. Found some old IM conversations between Alain and I and ended up crying hard for a while. In the last few months of our relationship, he kept trying to distance himself from me and wouldn’t answer my questions about where our relationship stood. Makes me feel like he’s way way over me and there’s no point in contacting him again. It would just make me look stupid.
Work was rough to get through because I get so tired from the Abilify (I think).
Therapist appointment in the evening, went ok. He had me draw things that I associate with Alain. I drew a musical note, inline skates, “NYC”, “Slipknot”, a greyhound bus and a computer. It made me sad to think of all the good times we had together and that we’ll never have them again.
Didn’t have work today since it’s Memorial Day. Thank you to all the troops who have given their lives for my/our freedoms! AJ and I slept in till around noon. AJ made lunch of some kind shrimp, but I didn’t like it since the shell and legs were left on. I feel bad, but it turned my stomach just to look at them. Afterwards we went to Target and got various things. In the checkout line, we had a little fight because I pushed AJ a little when walking past him to get to the front of the car to unload my things. Meanwhile, I was pissed at him because I asked him twice to move out of the way and he didn’t. But, we worked it out via talking and texting later in the evening. McDonalds for dinner lol. Three donuts throughout the day. I’m feeling a bit fat :-/ Don’t want to go back to work tomorrow
Last Thursday I had an interview at Deloitte. I don’t think it went very well, but we’ll see. I’m not really enthused about staying at CGI on this Mom. project, but I don’t know if I’d be very enthused to work at Deloitte either. It seems like it would really take over my life… but they pay well so… maybe it would be ok for a while? Anyway, I’m jumping to conclusions. I haven’t heard anything from them since the interview anyway lol.
AJ went to Columbia, MD to hang out with his friends at a rugby game. I slept in and posted auctions on Ebay lol. Also cleaned up the apartment a little bit. I think this weekend is renewing my love for AJ for some reason. I’m looking at him differently and in a kinder, better light. I can tell that however I treat him is basically how he treats me. If I’m loving and positive, so is he.
After AJ came home from the game, we went to Lotte and got a bunch of food for the next few days. I made “yakisoba” for dinner which wasn’t yakisoba at all since I couldn’t find the correct sauce and noodles at the store! I ended up making some random stir-fry noodle dish using bulgogi sauce hehe. It turned out good though. I don’t know why, but I just HATE cooking. It puts me in a cranky and stressed-out mood.
I’m currently reading (albeit very slowly) The Sidetracked Sisters’ Happiness File by Pam Young and Peggy Jones. I’m on chapter 4 and I’m excited to start all these exercises. It makes sense that planning and writing everything out can help you actually get things done and therefore feel happier.
AJ and I slept in late – till almost 2pm. We got in some silly little fight about my apartment. It makes me crazy when he tells me what to do with my own apartment! We went for a walk then with Gadget and mostly walked apart, on different sides of the street.
Afterwards we went to dinner at Silver Diner.
AJ was supposed to go out in the evening with some coworkers, but I guess they flaked on him. Instead we stayed home, made some mojitos and watched So This is 40. It was a boring, depressing movie. We thought it was going to be a comedy.
I had an interview with Deloitte today. I was pretty nervous and said some dumb things lol. I also wasn’t as prepared as I should have been for the case study part of the interview (which I completely screwed up). I couldn’t focus on studying last night… why? Well…. I’m an idiot that’s why. I had a panic attack/breakdown/whatever and just HAD to try to contact Alain again. So, I sent a message via a forum. I just asked if it was “Alain T” and the person responded with “No?”. I wouldn’t be so fucked up about it now, but I don’t really believe that it isn’t him. The user ID is his college user ID, he signed an intro post as “Alain” (which is a unique spelling) and he also said he was from NY. I guess it’s possible that it isn’t him. But, I feel in my heart that it is him and he lied and said it wasn’t so I wouldn’t bother him. I feel like garbage. What did I do to him to make him never want to speak to me again? How is it possible for me to love someone like this for so long when they have no feelings for me at all?
I went to bed last night amazed at the capacity of human suffering. I feel like I’ve been pushed beyond my suffering threshold lately and yet there’s no relief. The pain doesn’t stop, the prozac doesn’t help, therapy doesn’t help, it’s hopeless isn’t it? I don’t want to live anymore. I feel so betrayed and pathetic and borderline-crazy. Why does my life just get worse and worse? Things never seem to get better.
AJ called me today and said he got called for an interview for an assistant manager position at another bank. He also got invited to go to manager training at his own bank and was offered a strange but high paying job from a customer. So, he’s having a good day lol. I’m happy for him though. I’m glad something is finally working out for him after so long. I guess I can learn a lesson from him – persistence eventually pays off.
Well, here we go…
I’ll start at the beginning. AJ left for Sri Lanka just after my 29th bday. I missed him terribly for about a week and a half. Then my feelings smoothly transitioned to missing Alain again. But, this time I thought “well, why not try to contact him this time and try to get some closure on why he dumped you?”. And so I tried to email him at two different emails. I got no response so I did some more googling and found him on an online forum, so I made an account there and sent him a PM. That was Wednesday…. today is Sunday. No response. I’m not 100% sure he’s even received any of my messages as the emails I have for him could be out of date and his forum profile shows that he hasn’t logged on there since February. Nonetheless, it appears that he’s gone to significant lengths to gain online privacy. I cannot find any other way to contact him. He’s not on FB and his LinkedIn profile is out of date. (Side Note: I literally just found a very recent post from him on a new forum.) But, anyway, this whole process is making me feel like shit. Why am I still so crazy about him when he dumped me for lame reasons over 8 years ago? And he never tried to contact me the whole time. I thought getting some closure from him would help, but now I’m wondering if it really will. My therapist brought up a good point – even if he did respond, the odds are that he would give a generic response like “it wasn’t you, it was me” which is just as unhelpful as no response at all. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I still have feelings for him. I hate that I do, but I do nonetheless. I wish I could hate him and move on to new and better guys, but I can’t shake the feeling that we were meant for each other. There’s a hole in my life that I feel like only he can fill.