It’s Saturday night and it’s been a really tough weekend for me so far… AJ is in Sri Lanka for over 3 weeks and he’s been gone a week so far. I’m really lonely. And of course (OF COURSE!!!!) I start going to thoughts of Alain. It’s ridiculous and pathetic at this point. It’s been almost 9 years!!! This is insanity. And yet here I am crying and in despair for 24 hours straight over him. I don’t understand why I can’t move on. I don’t know how. I feel like there’s nothing else in the world for me and it’s useless and silly to try to come up with something else to do with my life. People say that only you can get yourself out of depression. You have to move on and live for yourself. I think that terrifies me – “living for myself”. I don’t want to live for myself. I want to share my life with someone, I can’t be alone.
I really thought that with spring and summer coming, I would feel better, like a new person again. I did at first, but now I feel just as bad as I did during the winter. I don’t know how to help myself. I want to talk to someone, but there isn’t anybody to talk to. I can’t reach AJ except via email and I don’t want to bother him with my whining while he’s on vacation. Plus, sometimes it seems like he doesn’t get it or doesn’t care. I used to be able to talk to John about this stuff, but it’s not so easy now that he’s married. He’s not available as much and is often distracted by work too. Lisa has been working at a different company for more than a year now. We don’t talk as much anymore and I’d feel weird texting her at 12:30 at night for help.
The past few days I’ve had such a strong urge to contact Alain again. I hate that I feel like this, but I’m still broken into a million little pieces from the breakup. I don’t understand why we couldn’t be together and I think a part of me keeps holding onto a sliver of hope that we will be reunited someday. Even as I type and/or think about these thoughts, I know they sound insane! I KNOW this! Logically, there’s no reason for me to want to get back together with Alain. If he really loved me and wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t have broken up with me in the first place. Or if he realized he made a mistake, he had plenty of opportunities to contact me and try to reconcile. But, he never did. Eight years and he never did. Our relationship obviously didn’t mean as much to him as it did to me. I wasn’t the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I just wish I knew why. Why not me? I don’t even know if knowing the answer would help me move on. It feels like I’ve lost my soul and now I’m incapable of living. I’ve just “gone with the flow” since the breakup. Thankfully I’ve ended up in a good situation with a good job and everything, but I’m never really satisfied. I always feel disappointed with myself. I’m 29. I thought I’d have a lot more things sorted out by now. I thought I would know what I wanted to do with my life by now. I thought I would be with the man of my dreams by now. I thought I’d be happy or at least well on the road to being happy by now. But, when I really think about it, there are so many similarities between myself now and myself 10-15 years ago. I’m still lost and aimless and going with the flow. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for something amazing to happen in my life to turn everything around.