Down in the Dumps

Feeling down in the dumps for most of the day today.  The morning was ok, but Paulette had to go home around noon because she started feeling sick, so I spent most of the day at work in the hot conference room alone.  I got really bored and for some odd reason I started thinking of Alain and then I googled him.  Nothing new came up… just the same old picture of him.  I feel so unworthy of him.  I feel terrible about myself when I think about how easy it would be for him to contact me again and reconnect, but he chooses not to.  I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to accept that I’m not the kind of person he wanted to be with and spend the rest of his life with.  I don’t know which parts of my personality or appearance he didn’t like, but I don’t think it would make anything easier for me if I did.

I have no self control either.  I can’t stop thinking like this and it’s just making my day worse and worse.  I have no motivation and I just want to go to sleep, but I know I can’t because I don’t feel physically tired.  I wish I wasn’t me.  I wish I had never been born in the first place.  I don’t think I fit in with this world.  I don’t fit in with people and I can’t handle normal things like a breakup and my simple little life!  I don’t even take care of myself anymore.  I eat like hell and don’t exercise.  I don’t pay much attention to what I wear and I hardly ever wear makeup.  I don’t really feel like putting in the effort anymore.  I just want to go into a dark room and stay there forever.

My parents came down to visit this past weekend.  My dad bought me a GMC Savana for my book business.  I paid him back for it of course.  My mom has lost about 20 lbs because of the chemo she’s on now.  It makes sweet things taste bitter so she’s basically not eating anything sweet.

This month hasn’t been very good for book sales.  Last month was my best month yet, but I feel like this month could be my worst!  Many days I haven’t gotten any sales at all and I got two fairly high priced books lost in the mail so I had to refund their money.  Ugh!

Gadget is being really needy today.  I just want to be alone but he keeps coming over and wanting to play.  Poor guy.

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