This weekend Aj came over (as usual) and on Saturday we went to Silver Diner for dinner. During dinner, his coworker John asked him to come to his sister’s place to hang out. Aj said no at first, but on our way home from the restaurant, he said he really wanted to go and show me off. I was to flattered to refuse, so I agreed lol. So, we go home and I change clothes and freshen up and we go to John’s sister’s place.
As soon as we arrive, John looks like he’s on drugs or something. He’s just really drunk, but he’s acting weird. There were 4 other guys and 3 girls there. About 5 minutes after showing up, John wants Aj to go out with him and his cousin to have a smoke. Two of the other guys leave (because John is just too far gone and they want to end the night), so I’m left in the apartment alone with John’s sister, some other girl, their 3 kids and some Hispanic guy. After talking to John’s sister for a few minutes, the Hispanic guy comes out of some back room and sits down next to me on the couch. He keeps saying things to me that I don’t understand. John’s sister translated once and told me that he was asking what kind of music I liked. I kept trying to ignore him, but after a while he started asking me to dance with him. I told him no about 3 times. Finally, Aj and John and the girl come back and Aj sits down with me on the couch… and can you believe this Hispanic guy STILL doesn’t get up or move. He asks me to dance againnnn and I told him I would dance with my boyfriend who is sitting right here lol. He finally gets up and leaves the two of us alone on the couch. That’s when Aj says we should leave. I don’t know what I would have done if something worse had happened while he was gone. The more I think about it the more scared I get… I was alone in a strange apartment with 3 strangers and Aj had my ID and credit card with him. He also had the car keys! And I had no weapon whatsoever. Ugh…I need to be more careful and bring mace next time!
I know he was talking about me to John’s sister in Spanish while Aj was gone because they both kept looking at me. It was the most awkward and weird 1 hour of my life! haha Yeah, we were only at the apartment for a total of maybe 45 mins – 1 hr.
Last night I had an interesting dream. I dreamed that some close friends or family (or both), I don’t remember who though, were trying to turn me into a succubus. But, not in the literal definition of the word… in my dream a succubus was just a very ugly, nightmarish creature that looked very much like the creatures in the movie The Descent, but they also had wings. They could climb up walls and walk on ceilings. My friends/family tried to turn me into a succubus by performing a ritual/chant and telling me that the ritual was supposed to prevent me from being turned into a succubus. At first I participated in the ritual, believing that they were telling me the truth and it would really help me, but about 75% through it, I suddenly remembered that this ritual was one that turned you into a succubus and that everyone performing the ritual with me must already be a succubus. I begin running away, but it’s too late – I become a succubus. I’m freaking out and panicking, but I just want to get away. So, I fly away with my new wings haha.
The part where my family/friends betray me may be related to the mini-fight Aj and I had just before I went to bed.
I get the feeling that it may also have something to do with people that are close to me trying to lead me in a direction I don’t want to go. However, this doesn’t ring any bells in real life.
The creatures were terrifying, but I don’t remember why I was so scared of becoming one. I know that there was a reason in the dream, but I can’t remember it now.
I just got back from walking the dog and thinking about the dream a bit more. I think I may have got it! I think that it means I’m afraid of becoming like my friends/family in that they don’t like their jobs and didn’t have (in my opinion) satisfying lives. I am worried that even though I don’t want to end up like them, I will be fooled into complacency and will become like them anyway (like in the dream where the ritual fools me at first and even though I try to run away, it is still successful in changing me).
Today was better than yesterday for some reason. Nothing really exceptional or great happened, but I just felt pretty positive throughout the whole day. I also felt like there was so much on my life’s “to do list” that I didn’t know where to begin – and that was a good thing!
I got the parking pass for my van from the apartment management office today. I had a little chat with Francisco. He is sooooo talkative whenever I see him. I don’t remember him being that talkative a few years ago when Toshi was living with me. He’s very different. He seemed more stressed out back then, but he seems very relaxed now. I think it has to do with him getting the assistant manager position. I’m glad for him
At work, I’m writing test scripts for the SCER form. Don’t even ask what that is! lol It’s reallyyyy confusing and I’m really dragging my feet with it. I don’t know why they assigned it to me when I’ve only been on this project for two months. Oh well… I can handle it lol.
Sales of my business were a little better today… I had about 5 items sell on Amazon, Half and Ebay.
I’ve been scouring the CL free section trying to get new furniture. I emailed about 3 people today, only one responded so far and their couch was already taken I didn’t realize that the furniture was such an in demand thing on CL. Hopefully I can get something nice eventually!
I’m actually addicted to CL lol. I check it about 100 times a day – literally! Every few minutes I feel like I have to check just in case some new ad has been posted. Gosh… maybe I should lay off it for a while lol.
Feeling down in the dumps for most of the day today. The morning was ok, but Paulette had to go home around noon because she started feeling sick, so I spent most of the day at work in the hot conference room alone. I got really bored and for some odd reason I started thinking of Alain and then I googled him. Nothing new came up… just the same old picture of him. I feel so unworthy of him. I feel terrible about myself when I think about how easy it would be for him to contact me again and reconnect, but he chooses not to. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to accept that I’m not the kind of person he wanted to be with and spend the rest of his life with. I don’t know which parts of my personality or appearance he didn’t like, but I don’t think it would make anything easier for me if I did.
I have no self control either. I can’t stop thinking like this and it’s just making my day worse and worse. I have no motivation and I just want to go to sleep, but I know I can’t because I don’t feel physically tired. I wish I wasn’t me. I wish I had never been born in the first place. I don’t think I fit in with this world. I don’t fit in with people and I can’t handle normal things like a breakup and my simple little life! I don’t even take care of myself anymore. I eat like hell and don’t exercise. I don’t pay much attention to what I wear and I hardly ever wear makeup. I don’t really feel like putting in the effort anymore. I just want to go into a dark room and stay there forever.
My parents came down to visit this past weekend. My dad bought me a GMC Savana for my book business. I paid him back for it of course. My mom has lost about 20 lbs because of the chemo she’s on now. It makes sweet things taste bitter so she’s basically not eating anything sweet.
This month hasn’t been very good for book sales. Last month was my best month yet, but I feel like this month could be my worst! Many days I haven’t gotten any sales at all and I got two fairly high priced books lost in the mail so I had to refund their money. Ugh!
Gadget is being really needy today. I just want to be alone but he keeps coming over and wanting to play. Poor guy.