I went to the therapist about 2 weeks ago and she upped my dosage of Cymbalta to 90 mg. It makes me have headaches, nausea, mood swings and lethargy. Right now I’m having the mood swings. About 20 minutes ago I was depressed and thinking that I want to kill myself, right now I’m feeling pretty good. A few minutes ago I was feeling great, almost giddy. It’s like any thought that passes through my head changes my mood instantly. Like if I think about going to work tomorrow, I feel depressed. But, if I think about my book business, I feel pretty happy. And this could all happen within 10 seconds. I kind of want to give up and just go back onto Prozac. Prozac worked GRRRREAT! I felt like a whole new person! I felt alive and positive and confident! But, the sexual side effects didn’t go away after 6 weeks so I thought I’d try something else. On the plus side, at least I can go back to Prozac if all else fails.
I had an appointment with my therapist this morning. I’m starting to feel like seeing a therapist is just pointless. All we do is talk about the same stuff over and over. I kind of dread going… I don’t know what to talk about when I’m there. I feel so much sadness and pain during the times I’m not there on her couch, but then my mind goes blank when I am on the couch. I think it also has to do with the fact that the appointments are always first thing in the morning and I am half dead first thing in the morning lol.
I’m going out to dinner with Lisa this Wednesday. We haven’t seen each other in like almost two months it seems like! I miss her, but at the same time I feel confused. It was difficult to get her to come out this Wednesday… I texted her 2 weeks ago and she said she was going away for a week and that we’d go out when she came back. But, when I texted her after a week she said she got a mild injury on her week long trip and that she had to prepare for a wedding so she couldn’t go out that week. Finally, I emailed her last Thursday to see if we could go out this Wednesday and she never responded to my email. I emailed her again this Monday and she finally texted me about 7:00 PM this evening. Yeesh! It seems like she didn’t really want to come out.
And Mini’s so busy at work that we don’t IM or see each other much either. Maybe once every two weeks we’ll grab lunch. I want more friends dammit!
On the plus side, Aj has been more supportive of me. He seems genuinely concerned when I tell him I feel depressed and then he wants to know why I feel depressed. I also don’t stand for it when he says dumb shit about the reasons why I’m depressed. I call him out on it and ask him if he really thinks that what he said is going to make me feel better. I guess it’s kinda working. 😉
About two weeks ago, I was given the unexpected news that I would no longer be working for the MAS project beginning Sept 1. Which was less than a week away at the time. Due to financial problems with the project, many people had to be benched and moved to other projects so it wasn’t just me. Fortunately, I know Trey from when Toshi was fixing people’s motorcycles as a side business and Trey was able to help me find a position on his project. It all worked out very nicely.
Anyway, today was my kind of going-away lunch for MAS. Mohan, Peggy, Michel and myself went to Guapo’s. It was a very quiet and awkward lunch. I don’t know if I’m just being really sensitive or what, but it was just oddly quiet. Mohan and Peggy both wished me well. Michel didn’t say anything lol. I kind of get the feeling that he’s not going to miss me much. I think Peggy kind of feels the same way, but she’s too nice to act that way. Mohan was the most concerned when he heard about my having to leave the project. I don’t know why it even bothers me, but I feel a bit unwanted and useless. I don’t even like or care about the job, but it still hurts to feel like I wasn’t valued by the people that I worked with. Oh well… :-/ A new chapter begins….
All this crap about missing Alain… I’m glad I decided to read some of my earlier journal entries again. Things weren’t all good with him and he did lots of things that really hurt me. I even thought about breaking up with him a few years before we did break up. Even when we were together I wasn’t 100% happy! WHY do I still think he’s so great? WHY do I still want him? Why don’t I have more confidence in myself? If I had to compare them, I’d have to say Aj is better than Alain in most ways. Why can’t I forget about Alain and just move on completely? This is so stupid! And I know it’s stupid! But, I can’t change it!
I didn’t realize it till they said something on the radio, but it’s 9/11. I came into work today and went onto Yahoo and saw the news stories and memorial photos and it got me thinking back to 9/11. I was in high school and I heard about it going into social studies class. And I instantly became terrified for Alain. I was so worried about him all day until I could talk to him and find out that he was ok.
For some reason when I think of all the sadness of 9/11 I want to be comforted by Alain. I wish he and I were still together. I miss him.
Friday was awful, just awful. I read one of Alain’s old emails where he told me that he still loved me even though we “had” to break up. Then I googled him and found a more recent picture of him. He looks older, which is to be expected I guess haha. But, of course, it just doesn’t match up with the picture of him in my mind. He’s also gotten a bit in shape, it looks nice. Then I ended up searching for him on Facebook and actually found him this time. He didn’t appear to be in a relationship, but a lot of stuff was private. Anyway, at that point, I got a reallyyyyy strong urge to email him through FB. I desperately wanted our relationship and the love that we had back. I knew it would make me look really dumb to contact him after 8 years of being apart and not even talking to each other in those 8 years, but I really wanted to anyway. I guess I’ve been watching too many movies/TV shows where stuff like that actually works
So, I talked to Mini about my urge before doing anything and she talked me out of it. She told me that I would probably end up getting hurt again and that I shouldn’t try to get someone back that dumped me. Which is all true. She also gave me some new perspective on the sad break up email from him – she said that it sounded like he was sad about us breaking up (which is normal), but he knew what he wanted so he still went through with the break up. I had never thought of it that way, but I think she’s right. Although I never would have broken up with Alain if I had the choice, he obviously didn’t feel the same way about me. He went through with the break up and didn’t even cry when we met up in person that one evening. He watched me cry my eyes out and walked me home, but didn’t shed a tear. I don’t know why I wasn’t in the life that he wanted for himself, but I just wasn’t. It’s hard for me to accept, even after all this time. I don’t know why I can’t let him go completely. Some days are better than others. Some days I don’t care about him, other days I care more for him than anyone else in the world and I feel like I’d do absolutely anything to be with him again.
And it wasn’t just Alain that was making me so depressed. I was depressed about my new job on this new project and my lack of friends and the state of my relationship with Aj. It just felt like nothing was going well anymore.
Aj came over Friday evening and we were having sex and I honestly don’t know why, but I just started crying and I couldn’t stop. Of course he noticed and that was the end of that lol. I think the day was just too much for me and I couldn’t take it anymore. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn’t know. He got mad and asked me if I knew how my crying during sex made him feel. He sounded like he was about to cry as he said that, but I couldn’t tell because I was in a different room. I said that I didn’t know how it made him feel because if he has any feelings he sure doesn’t tell me about them lol. It sounds dumb now that I’m replaying it.
Saturday and Sunday I felt a bit better than Friday but not 100%. I still don’t feel very positive today either. I’m tired of my life. I’m tired of being unhappy. I’m tired of these meds that don’t work for me.
FYI – This post is going to be under construction for a while as I edit and add more.
I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship lately and I’ve realized that there are many things I’m not happy with. This weekend you mentioned something about if you lived at my apartment 5 days a week, what would we eat everyday? So, that got me thinking about how we would be if we lived together. If we lived together I would probably be stressed out and bitter because, judging by how we are over the weekends at my apartment, I feel that I’d be doing more than my fair share of the work. I find myself cleaning up after you (i.e. your dirty dishes left on the table or nightstand, your beard hairs left all over the bathroom, your pee left on the toilet, etc. etc) as well as myself and Gadget.