Today is a pretty good day for me! Yesterday I blew my old record out of the water and sold 10 books in one day 😀 Then, today I’ve already sold 5 and it’s not even 5PM (I typically sell more books in the evenings). Also, today I received an email from a happy customer. She received her book very quickly and exactly as described and she’s very happy and wanted to tell me I did a good job! How sweet! I nearly jumped for joy when I read it, but I didn’t because I was at work lol. It feels great to get positive feedback like that.
I also started out the day getting some nice compliments from people. First, the short maintenance guy at my apartment complex told me I looked great today. He said I knew how to put an outfit together. I think I dress pretty crappy on a normal basis so that was surprising and it made me so happy haha. Then, one of the ladies in the cafeteria at work complimented my purse which was the first compliment I’ve received on it since I’ve had it. And I’ve had it over a year lol.
So… yay for me!
I just noticed that my therapist is right – I really do turn to depressive thoughts to “comfort” myself. I’m watching Frasier right now and Frasier is complaining about how raining and depressing Seattle is and I immediately thought to myself that I would like to live in a place like that because it would be comforting. A DEPRESSING place would be COMFORTING??? Yeesh! That also explains why I continue to dwell on past mistakes and negative experiences even years and years after they’ve past. It probably also explains why I continue to dwell on Alain even 8 years after we broke up! It’s not solely because I was heartbroken, but also because it is the most depressing thought I can conjure up so I always return to it for “comfort” when I’m feeling down.
This just came to me a minute or two ago, but I was considering why I feel like I am wasting my time when I do things that I cannot find an overall purpose for. I think the reason is that I’m afraid of wasting anymore of my life away. I feel like much of my life so far has been wasted, especially the first 18 or so years. I feel like I haven’t lived my life as fully as I should have and I have so many regrets. So when someone suggests finding a hobby… I just feel sickened almost at the thought of spending hours doing some mundane thing like sewing or drawing or whatever else. Which is weird because I don’t do many important things in a normal day anyway! lol *sigh* wth. I’m scared of wasting my life away, yet what am I doing now? Wasting my life away!
Happy hump day
I’ve been slowly, slowly cleaning up the piles and piles of books in my apartment. I had a giant pile that wouldn’t sell online and I couldn’t decide if I should just donate them all to get them out of the way, or try to sell them in small lots on Craigslist. I posted about 4-5 lots on CL, but no responses at all. I don’t think books are a hot seller on CL 😉 haha. Maybe Ebay? I just wish I had more space to store them while I try to sell them! A lot of them are in very good condition and I think they have value so it’s a shame to just get rid of them. Argh!
Yesterday was a pretty good day for the business. Sold 6 books and 1 CD. Seven items in one day seems to be my record. I hope to break this record someday soon!!!
I realized last night that I spend wayyyyyy to much time dwelling on the past. Especially road rage incidents for some reason. I still think about things that happened on the road a few years ago! How ridiculous! I need to stop. From now on, when I find myself dwelling on past negative events, I must do anything it takes to distract myself and pull my thoughts away to something more pleasant!
The Cymbalta seems to be working pretty well. Last week, I began taking 60mg instead of the 30mg I was taking before. For about 3-4 days straight I had bad headaches, but they seem to be pretty much gone. Now I’m just dealing with nausea and a loss of apetite. The nausea sucks, but the loss of apetite is great! Especially since I’ve been using sweets for the past few weeks to treat my depression. I just wish the loss of apetite would stay for as long as I take Cymbalta. But, I know it will fade away in a few weeks It’s otherwise really hard for me to control what I eat and my cravings! I just want to eat, eat, eat!
At the end of November, my lease will be up. I’m thinking that I really should move somewhere cheaper. I checked out a cheap apartment in Manassas. The apartment itself wasn’t too bad and the price was great ($825 for a 1bdrm), but I’m concerned about the neighborhood. It’s right off Sudley which is good because that’s a main road with a lot of people and businesses, but it seemed like there were not a lot of… um…. high quality people at that apartment complex if you know what I mean. I would be able to get a 2 bdrm apartment for $925 so I could store all my inventory in one of the bedrooms. But, I worry about when I have to go walk Gadget at night by myself. I also worry about my car being broken into as it will probably be the nicest car in the whole parking lot lol. It sucks being a single female of small stature sometimes! lol
Work has been pretty slow today, so I ended up spending the last few hours reading my previous DearDiary entries. Most of them make me want to smack myself upside the head lol. About 80% of them are about me feeling sad about Alain. I can’t stand that about myself. Why do I let myself be so down in the dumps for so long over him? He broke up with me and moved on. He’s allowed to do that. Yes, he hurt me really badly when he did, but it’s been 8 years and I need to move on 100%. Not 99%, but 100% lol. How can I love someone else when I’m still thinking about Alain and comparing my bf to him? It’s not fair to my bf or me. Cmon Jen!
I’m angry at myself for being so sappy and messed up over Ferdi, even if it was only a few months! He obviously used me as a stand-in for his ex-wife. How disgusting! Then he kept screwing around with my head afterwards with the texts and stuff. And I just let him! Where’s my self respect??
I spend too much of my life pining over men. It’s stupid and a waste of my time. Why do I do that? I need to make other things a priority in my life.
Why do I need money for the freedom I desire? Because if I have enough money to live on, I won’t have to have a job. If I don’t have a job, I can do what I want with my time and I don’t have to do things I don’t have any interest in.
I need to start doing more things and changing more things in order to be happier. I need to get my apartment cleaned up so I can invite Mini and Lisa over without being embarassed. I need to try to hang out with some of my friendly neighbors so I can get more friends. Why? Because hanging out with people is fun! There is no other purpose! I need to read more books for pleasure. I need to get back into auto-x and cars. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have someone around to do the work on the car that I want done. I can do some of it my damn self! And why not ask Keith for help if I need it? Even though it’s been a very long time since we talked or texted, I’m sure he’s still my friend. I have got to stop withdrawing from people even though it makes me uncomfortable to be around them sometimes. I need to do things that I enjoy more like learning Japanese, listening to music, dancing… and trying other new things that I might enjoy no matter what others might think! I need to exercise more because it makes me feel a little better in general.
I had my third appointment with my new therapist this morning. We talked a little how difficult it is for me to do things just because they’re enjoyable especially if I don’t see the greater purpose to them. We also talk about growing up with my religious parents and how that all might have been related.
Anyway, on my way to work after the appointment I discovered this:
I am working so hard at the book business and other income generating ventures and I avoid doing things that don’t generate money because I want so badly to be free of a job. Why? Because I want FREEDOM in general. Freedom from having to do things I don’t want to do. Freedom from having to do things other people tell me to. I want the freedom to do what I want. So, I see having a lot of money as the freedom to do what I want.
I want to bring that up to her next session and see what she says. I think it’s quite interesting… I never realized it before, but it makes perfect sense now.
I took tomorrow and Friday off of work. Aj and I are going to Hershey Park tomorrow and then I guess just relaxing on Friday. Saturday he’s got a tournament in NY, but I’m not going. I’ll probably work more on my book business.
Oh yeah, I’ve started up an online business selling books through various mediums. It’s going pretty well so far. I get 1-7 orders everyday and it’s very consistent. I also registered my business with the state of Virginia so I’m official! hehe So far, I’ve only profitted $498…. but hey it’s not that bad! I’m generating money where there was none before! I’m proud of it.
I did write an email to Aj like I said I would. He responded in like 20 minutes with a not-very-well-thought-out response…. so I was pretty disappointed. But, it just made me realize that he doesn’t place as much importance on his little fits as I do. Maybe I should just let them go even though I feel like he’s exploding over the smallest thing… I don’t know what else to do except just let it go.
Not sure why but I’m feeling really really depressed. I don’t know why I’m surprised, this seems to happen every evening.
Gadget makes me crazy sometimes with his begging to go outside every 30 minutes. I know he’s bored and I love him to pieces, but I’m trying to do other things and deal with my own shit here! My life is difficult enough just to get through without having to take care of another creature.
I feel so ANGRY!!!! Right now I’m sneezing my brains out. Why the fuck won’t the sneezes stop! They always happen when I’m trying to do something like get ready for work or walk the dog or, like now, write in my diary. But, the sneezing isn’t all I’m angry about. I’m angry that I can’t be happy or normal. I’m angry that this is the way I am. I’m angry that I don’t have an Evo. I’m angry that I don’t have a prince charming. I’m angry that the world is so cruel. I’m angry that people are so selfish and cruel to each other without a second thought. I’m angry that I’m sitting here writing this. I”m just fucking angry for every reason and no reason. I’m angry that I ate too much for dinner and my stomach is hurting.