I’m stressed out for 3 reasons today:
1. Aj – he has been getting angry at me for the smallest things lately. Like last night he stopped texting me after I didn’t respond to one of his texts asking some insignificant question fast enough. He KNOWS I don’t have good cell reception in my apartment and he KNOWS my landline phone number…. yet this is something he gets mad enough to not talk to me for the rest of the evening about. So this morning he texts me like nothing is wrong and I responded in a way that let him know I was mad and he immediately says he doesn’t want to go to Hershey park on Thursday (we’ve had plans for a few weeks to go to Hershey this Thursday and we’ve both taken off work for it). I responded to that comment saying that I”m tired of him getting angry over petty things. That was this morning and he still hasn’t texted back. I just don’t get why he gets so angry about this little stuff. He’s angry enough to swear at me and indirectly call me a bitch and/or insane/crazy. Yes, I”M the crazy one! Obviously! Mini suggested I email him all my thoughts so I can get it all out at once in a way that I want to say it so that he can read it all. I think that’s a good idea. I’ll do that tonight.
2. My book business is going ok, but the books themselves are taking over my apartment and it’s making me crazy! I need to do something with the books but I’m not sure what since I don’t make that much from them yet so even $50 a month for a small storage spot seems like a lot.
3. Work – I’m taking Thursday and Friday off of work and my manager and the test team lead just decided to assign me all these defects to test and write scripts for that are due Friday. Since I’m not here Friday, I guess I have to get them done by tomorrow. I just feel like screaming and crying just thinking about it.
I still have a feeling of general melancholia. Life seems so devoid of pleasure and happiness. Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed that I don’t seem to really care about the food I eat anymore. I am eating fast food and/or too much food and/or lots of sweets many times per week whereas in the past I would consciously try to limit myself to just 1-3 times per week. I guess I just feel like I don’t want to bother denying myself the pleasure of food I enjoy since there’s not much pleasure in my life outside of food.
Earlier today I was thinking it would be great if I could get one of those big L-shaped office desks for my apartment. I could spread out and feel less cramped. Then I realized that there’s no way that kind of desk would fit in my apartment. It’s so depressing…. My life is so cramped! My desk at work is tiny and covered with 2 computers and a phone. I smack my knees off of the filing cabinet under my desk and smack my toes off of the desktop tower under my desk several times per day. Then I come home to my tiny apartment that I pay over $1200 a month for. It makes me so angry to think about my friends who have the same job as me but who live in houses or larger apartments than I do because they can split expenses with their husbands or boyfriends! It’s not fair! I feel like I spend so much of my time at work or working on my business or trying to come up with even more ways to bring in more money and yet I still come away with less than them!
They have nice furniture and designer clothes and bags and go to spas and get their nails done and shop shop shop and I’m still using the $99 IKEA couch I bought 5 years ago that my dog peed on and the kitchen table that I picked up for free from the bulk garbage area at my apartment. I rarely buy anything just because I want it and if I do, I buy it cheaply. I have been saving as much money as I can for the last five years, yet I still don’t have 1/4 of the amount saved up that I need for a downpayment on a house! And of course I don’t have much disposable income every month.
I wish I had someone to talk to. Aj doesn’t give a crap, John doesn’t seem to care much either or be around as often as he used to and Lisa doesn’t work at the same company anymore and is hard to get in touch with. All I really have now is this diary. I guess it’s better than nothing! Unfortunately, I’m still a bit lonely
I’ve also been feeling quite anti-social lately. I just don’t want to be around people and they easily make me angry. I feel like 99.9% of people are complete assholes that don’t care about anything but themselves. Most people out there would kill someone if it even slightly benefitted them. They just don’t care. And I’m tired of caring too! I’m tired of being nice to people that wouldn’t return the favor. I’m also getting super annoyed with Aj every weekend when he comes over. There’s a huge list of things that he does that drives me up a wall! First, he always makes jokes at my expense. I understand if that’s his sense of humor (which it is), but he doesn’t balance it out with any compliments or apologies when he goes to far. It’s hurtful and it makes me feel unappealing to him. And the worst part is I’ve told him how it makes me feel multiple times and he doesn’t stop. Then there’s other, smaller things, like he really likes to rub it in when he’s right about something. I also feel like he spends more time at my apartment using my computer, my washer and dryer, my shower and my apartment’s car wash area than he does with me. It’s like the only reason he comes over on the weekend is to get those chores done at my place. Most of the time he comes waltzing in my apartment like he owns the place and doesn’t even say hi to me. He just plops all of his clothes down somewhere and lays on my bed to take a nap. Like I don’t even exist! Not only does it make me feel completely ignored and unimportant, but I feel that it’s also disrespectful! This is my apartment, not his. He should still act like a guest, not a resident. Then about two weeks ago he had the fucking nerve to tell me I was changing – that I wasn’t putting in as much effort as I used to to do things that he liked, such as cooking for him, dressing up, hair, makeup, etc. I’m still irked about that. He wants me to put in that kind of effort when all he’s going to do is make jokes at my expense and not even acknowledge the effort I put in! Also, what exactly is he doing for me? He still doesn’t wear the kinds of clothing I have been suggesting to him since we started going out. He doesn’t wear his hair in the style I told him I liked even though he has claimed twice that he changed his hair for me. Let me get the record straight – he did change his hair and it is INSPIRED by the style I like, but it is NOT the style I like. It’s basically the style he’s always had, but shorter. <insert eye roll here> And he’s told me many times that he really likes the new style and it’s much easier to maintain. <insert another eye roll> So, as you can see, he did it allllllll for me! How lucky can a girl get?
I don’t have much time right now, but I’ve been meaning to write in here and I just keep putting it off.
Anyway, I’m on Wellbutrin and Cymbalta for my depression now. Actually, I’m currently weening myself off of Wellbutrin because it doesn’t seem to do anything at all. The Cymbalta was pretty good at first, but now it seems to have tapered off. So once I go 1 week without Wellbutrin, my psych advised me to double my Cymbalta dosage. I hope it works…. I’m starting to lose hope that meds will help me.
I’ve been getting super frustrated with Aj lately. So many things about him annoy me and make me angry. He has a tendency to make jokes at my expense. Which would be fine if he would also compliment me sometimes too to even things out – but he doesn’t! He never compliments me! Only multiple jokes at my expense everytime we’re together.
OK, gtg. Write more later.