Dreams & Drudgery

For some reason I dreamt of Alain last night/this morning.  I normally have dreams that are crazy and don’t make any sense, but this dream was very focused.  I went to Long Island and was searching for Alain.  I went into a store and ran into a guy, who was the son of the store’s owner, and we started talking.  I could tell this guy was interested in me, but I wasn’t very concerned.  He was attractive but I was still there on a mission.  I asked this guy if he knew Alain and he said ‘no’.  I was obviously disappointed.  At this point the guy’s girlfriend came in and I don’t remember anything else after that point.

It’s very strange to me that I dreamt this as I haven’t thought about Alain in a while and the last time I did it was that he was a jerk because he probably dumped me for another girl and also never gave me a good explanation as to why he “stopped loving me”.  This dream has put a shadow on my whole day.  It’s been in the back of my mind all day and it’s made me feel so depressed.  I’ve started missing him badly again.  I’ve searched for him on two separate search engines today to see if there was any new info (there wasn’t).  I feel sick to my stomach at the thought that he’s been with other girls since we broke up.  I feel ridiculous that I’m still feeling this way after 8 years.  But, at the same time it makes so much sense.  Compared to every other relationship I’ve had, ours was the best.  Maybe that’s just how it is with your “first” love.  But, it was just so different than every other relationship.  It was intense and honest and pure and passionate whereas my other relationships have fallen flat.  I wish I could get that love with someone else and just friggin move ON with my life.  I hate that 8 years later I still cry over him.  Sometimes this feeling comes over me where I feel like I’m just SO close to leaving this whole life I’ve created here and running off to NY to hunt him down and confess my love to him and BEG for him to come back to me.  If he responds positively, GREAT!  If he doesn’t then I’ll just come back here, cry my eyes out for a while and then just forget about love and marriage and whatever and try to continue living for some other purpose.

Random memories of our relationship keep popping into my head… Like the time he broke his leg skating, the time his mom made us lunch of chicken nuggets and these tater tot things in the shape of smiley faces, the time we were in his youngest sister’s room playing Mario on her Nintendo, etc.  When I think about him, the rest of my life seems to fade to a paisley grey and seems to be so pointless and all for nothing.  Every fiber of my being wanted to marry him at this beautiful location by this museum on Long Island, to be his wife and have a job with him in NYC.  I would help him tie his tie in the morning as he’s getting ready for work and know that I’m the luckiest girl in the world because I get to spend the rest of my life married to my soulmate.

I think that he’s probably just like every other guy in the world by now – only bothers with women to get sex, unable to express his emotions, checks out other women even if he’s with his girlfriend, etc.  He was definitely different from most guys when we were going out though.  He thought differently and had morals and values and genuinely cared about me.  He was thoughtful and sweet and wrote poetry about me.  But, I’m sure he’s changed by now.  The guy that I still pine for no longer exists, but I can’t let it go for some reason.  It’s killing me!

In other news which may or may not be related, I stopped taking Viibryd cold turkey starting yesterday.  I realized that after 6 weeks of taking it my depression was just as bad, if not worse than before taking it.  I was also noticing that I’m more angry than usual, had very bad insomnia, and got dizzy every time I stood up.  It was basically a pill to ensure that I was thoroughly depressed lol.  So, yeah, I quit taking it yesterday.  Yesterday, I was mostly happy.  Today has been up and down.  Aj is here for the weekend so when I’m around him I’m pretty happy, but when I’m alone my whole attitude about life changes and I feel very depressed.  Plus, I keep thinking of Alain.  I wonder if because I’ve been depressed for so many weeks because of the Viibryd that my brain is searching for SOMETHING to be the cause of my depression and it has decided that Alain is it.  Alain has always been “it”.  Every time I get into a prolonged depression it somehow always comes back to HIM.  That bastard.

I think because I stopped Viibryd I’m also getting mood swings.  I’ve been in tears or near tears 3-4 times today, but then I’ve also been really happy and loving and mushy with Aj several times today too.  I’m also getting dizzy spells every few seconds and headaches.  Very annoying!  Fortunately, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Monday morning.  I really hope she can find some sort of chemical concoction that will help me.  I’m starting to get really desperate.  I’m so tired of feeling depressed and tired and hopeless and aimless and EMPTY.  More often than not, it seems like my life is utterly and completely without purpose.  I just want to be free of it.  I cannot stand living like this anymore!!!  It’s too painful.  It’s making me insane.  I feel like I’ve already been pushed so far past the breaking point… but there’s nothing else I can do.  I’ve hit the bottom and broken and now I’m just being smashed into the ground and buried. And even if I’m 6 feet under, it wants to push me even deeper.  Apparently, there is no end to how far depression wants to push you.  People say that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”.  THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT!  It is a permanent solution to a PERMANENT problem for many people!  I’ve been dealing with depression for 13 years now.  How is that temporary!?  Please do tell me: when can I expect this “temporary” problem to end???  And there’s nothing that fixes this problem either.  “Therapy” doesn’t help.  Self-help books don’t help.  Talking to trusted friends doesn’t help.  Anti-depressants don’t help.  What else can I do?  I completely understand why depressed people become drug addicts.  It really is the only way to actually feel *good* on a consistent basis.  I can also completely understand people that commit suicide.  It not only FEELS like there’s no way out, but in some cases, there really IS no way out!  You try and try and try to just feel mediocre enough to get through the day, but all the attempts don’t work in the long run.  Sometimes it’s just too much to deal with and you know that you’ve only got 10, 20, 30, 40, 50+ more years of it to live…. Staring in the face of that fact I can see why people would want to commit suicide.  I honestly hate people that say they don’t ever or rarely feel depressed.  I hate them.  Why do they get to live like that and I have to live like this?