The past week or two have been pretty difficult for me. My depression was pretty bad with an almost constant feeling of hopelessness and an increase in the desire to sleep, sleep, sleep. Thursday and Friday were the worst though. I was already having a bad week, then Thursday my manager kind of yelled at me and then Aj told me that I was bothering him with my texts while he was out with his friends. At that point I just kind of collapsed in on myself and I hit bottom. I felt a lot better on Saturday when I received flowers in the mail from Aj apologizing. But, here it is, Sunday night and I feel hopeless again.
I have been trying to overcome the depression for 7 years now. I’ve seen several different psychiatrists and psychologists and taken a variety of pills and I am still depressed. I don’t think it’s ever going to get better. I think the most I can achieve is to keep it from getting worse, day by day by doing anything and everything possible to keep from sliding farther downhill.
I am also hitting a brick wall at my job. I don’t like it, I dread waking up every morning and going to work. But, I don’t see any point in trying to get another job. I’ve been jumping around and trying to find different jobs all my life so far. I’ve been working jobs since I was 15 which is 12 years and I’ve had 12 different jobs. Each of them as boring and soul-crushing as the last. At my current company, I’ve been on 3 different projects in 3 different positions. At this point, I don’t think there exists a job for me that I would even moderately enjoy. Therefore, there’s no point in trying to get a different job. It would most assuredly be more of the same since that has been my experience 100% of the time.
As far as my love life? I really love Aj and more often than not I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him. But, I’m not sure if he feels the same yet or if he ever will. I know he still doesn’t trust me completely after the Brian incident and the distrust can sometimes be very draining for me. And I don’t know if it’s because some of my closest girlfriends got married recently, but I feel like I’m wanting to get married too. Or at least have someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Social life outside of Aj? Almost non-existent. I do meet up with friends maybe once every two weeks, but I feel unsatisfied by that. But what keeps me from not seeing people more is the social anxiety and the depression (which makes me just want to curl up in bed instead of meeting friends). There’s always a conflict in my head: I wish I had more friends and went out more; but the anxiety of being around people is sometimes too daunting for me to even want to try.
Hobbies? I used to like to read and I would finish books really quickly. Now, I cannot focus on a book for more than a few pages at a time. Then my brain wants to go off and do something else or I get lazy and just turn on something on Netflix. A couple of weeks ago, I tried doing a few craft type things. I liked the results, but I lost motivation to keep doing it. It’s hard to keep motivation to do something after the initial excitement of doing something new fades.
And the worst part is starting to be that I don’t have anyone to really talk to anymore. Aj doesn’t really want to hear it or acts like it’s not a big deal and John seems to be more distant than he used to be so I kind of don’t feel comfortable talking to him now about serious stuff. We still joke around, but I feel like the mood is different between us. I’m not sure why. It seemed to happen over the Christmas/New Years week. Additionally, Lisa and I barely communicate anymore. For a while there, we were emailing like once a day, but now she takes several days to respond to an email if she responds at all. So, I no longer email her just to see what’s up.
All of these combined definitely leaves me with a general sense of hopelessness. Some things seem insurmountable and that they’ll never change. Other things seem to difficult to work on because the other things will never get better.