Positive Things

Most of my diary entries are so negative and all about me being depressed. I get sick of it myself! lol So, this one is about the good stuff that’s happened lately.

1) Last Friday I was doing some testing for the 7.4 release. I found an issue and explained it to Eddie, our Part D SME and he told me that it was a great catch. 😀 Then later that same day I was testing something out for Mohan and he told me that I was “a very thorough tester”. 😀 I can’t even remember the last time I received a compliment about my work.

2) This past Sunday, Aj and I went to an Art by the Glazz class. It’s a 3 hour long painting class where they serve wine and desserts. It was a lot of fun! We were using some abstract painting as our inspiration. At the beginning of the class when we just first started painting, I made my paint too watery and it dripped down the canvas in an ugly way that I didn’t intend on. But, the teacher saw it and showed my painting to the class and said the dripping was a “technique”. Hahah ok… whatever. I call it an accident. I think my painting turned out pretty cool. It looks like a 3 year old did it, but it’s still interesting to look at. I think I’ll hang it up in my bedroom… out of the way where most people won’t see it 😉

This is Tough

Depression I mean. It makes me think horrible things about myself and zaps all of my energy and motivation. At least now I’m realizing that what I think when I’m depressed isn’t reality. It’s just my bad mood that’s talking.

Right now my bad mood is telling me that Aj doesn’t love me as much anymore and is eventually going to leave me :( I see a beautiful girl and I think that Aj would prefer her to me. I start wondering if he thinks about other girls a lot now that we’ve been going out for so long and things might be getting less exciting. I wonder why on earth he wants to be with me. I know it’s just the depression/low self esteem talking. I know that if he really wanted to be with someone else he would be. I wish I wasn’t so susceptible to this kind of thinking. But, I guess everyone is sometimes.

I feel empty today. Empty and worthless. And sleepy lol.

Stress

Work has been stressful the past 2-3 weeks. Which is abnormal. Before our latest release, it was usually pretty uneventful and dull. But now, we’re getting all kinds of tickets in and so it really stresses me out to be left alone on the helpdesk in the evening. Things always come in that I don’t know how to deal with so I have to keep calling my manager. And last Thursday he kind of snapped at me because he thought something I was asking him was something I should already know. It ended up being a miscommunication because he misunderstood what I was asking about. Nonetheless, it kind of changed how I feel about being on helpdesk. I didn’t feel as stressed out before he snapped at me, but now I feel like my manager doesn’t think I’m catching on fast enough or something. Now I feel scared to call him up for help… but there’s no one else for me to ask for help when I need it! So, I’m trying hard to figure out issues myself or forward them to people on our functional team for help. I don’t always know if what I’m doing is right. Obviously, this all stresses me out! I don’t want to get a bad review because my last review (on a different project with a different manager) was not very good.

I also feel like my coworker, Peggy, is tired of me asking her questions also. :( I don’t know what else I should do though! Should I handle things as best I know how and get reprimanded when/if what I’ve done is discovered to be incorrect? Or should I just keep asking them so I don’t make any mistakes and send clients incorrect info? I dunno. I’m torn. Our clients are government employees and I don’t want to make my company look bad, but I also feel like maybe the best way for me to really learn stuff is to just go ahead and make the mistakes and learn from them that way. I don’t knowwww :-/

What’s Going On

The past week or two have been pretty difficult for me. My depression was pretty bad with an almost constant feeling of hopelessness and an increase in the desire to sleep, sleep, sleep. Thursday and Friday were the worst though. I was already having a bad week, then Thursday my manager kind of yelled at me and then Aj told me that I was bothering him with my texts while he was out with his friends. At that point I just kind of collapsed in on myself and I hit bottom. I felt a lot better on Saturday when I received flowers in the mail from Aj apologizing. But, here it is, Sunday night and I feel hopeless again.

I have been trying to overcome the depression for 7 years now. I’ve seen several different psychiatrists and psychologists and taken a variety of pills and I am still depressed. I don’t think it’s ever going to get better. I think the most I can achieve is to keep it from getting worse, day by day by doing anything and everything possible to keep from sliding farther downhill.

I am also hitting a brick wall at my job. I don’t like it, I dread waking up every morning and going to work. But, I don’t see any point in trying to get another job. I’ve been jumping around and trying to find different jobs all my life so far. I’ve been working jobs since I was 15 which is 12 years and I’ve had 12 different jobs. Each of them as boring and soul-crushing as the last. At my current company, I’ve been on 3 different projects in 3 different positions. At this point, I don’t think there exists a job for me that I would even moderately enjoy. Therefore, there’s no point in trying to get a different job. It would most assuredly be more of the same since that has been my experience 100% of the time.

As far as my love life? I really love Aj and more often than not I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him. But, I’m not sure if he feels the same yet or if he ever will. I know he still doesn’t trust me completely after the Brian incident and the distrust can sometimes be very draining for me. And I don’t know if it’s because some of my closest girlfriends got married recently, but I feel like I’m wanting to get married too. Or at least have someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

Social life outside of Aj? Almost non-existent. I do meet up with friends maybe once every two weeks, but I feel unsatisfied by that. But what keeps me from not seeing people more is the social anxiety and the depression (which makes me just want to curl up in bed instead of meeting friends). There’s always a conflict in my head: I wish I had more friends and went out more; but the anxiety of being around people is sometimes too daunting for me to even want to try.

Hobbies? I used to like to read and I would finish books really quickly. Now, I cannot focus on a book for more than a few pages at a time. Then my brain wants to go off and do something else or I get lazy and just turn on something on Netflix. A couple of weeks ago, I tried doing a few craft type things. I liked the results, but I lost motivation to keep doing it. It’s hard to keep motivation to do something after the initial excitement of doing something new fades.

And the worst part is starting to be that I don’t have anyone to really talk to anymore. Aj doesn’t really want to hear it or acts like it’s not a big deal and John seems to be more distant than he used to be so I kind of don’t feel comfortable talking to him now about serious stuff. We still joke around, but I feel like the mood is different between us. I’m not sure why. It seemed to happen over the Christmas/New Years week. Additionally, Lisa and I barely communicate anymore. For a while there, we were emailing like once a day, but now she takes several days to respond to an email if she responds at all. So, I no longer email her just to see what’s up.

All of these combined definitely leaves me with a general sense of hopelessness. Some things seem insurmountable and that they’ll never change. Other things seem to difficult to work on because the other things will never get better.

Things I Learned Today

Last night in bed, I prayed a desperate and exasperated prayer that I am at my wits end with my life. I am not happy with it. I am tired of getting up everyday and going to work and doing the same things everyday. I am 100% sure I’m currently wasting my life away and I fully blame myself for it, but I don’t know what else to do with my life. If I had a goal, I could work towards it. But, I cannot figure out a goal to save my life. I was also very frustrated because I have prayed this same prayer many times throughout the years and I am still no better off than I was before. I felt that my prayers were being ignored and I actually begged God to just let me die because there’s obviously nothing here on earth for me. I haven’t accomplished anything good or of value and there doesn’t seem to be any such accomplishment coming in the future either.

I woke up this morning feeling much the same, but as the day went on I started to feel like God was trying to tell me a few things:

1. Even your life’s work/passion is still WORK. It may not be fun and happy and sunshiney goodness all the time. Even people that are doing something that they are very passionate about get tired of it sometimes and they have to take time to renew their excitement. So, even though I don’t have the foggiest idea as to what my life’s work is or is going to be, I feel like this is something I need to know so I don’t place too high of expectations on my “life’s work” when it does come around. So I don’t miss it because it doesn’t make me scream with excitement every single day. It also makes me think that maybe I have been overlooking something that’s already in my life because I lose interest in that thing sometimes.

2. I can affect the “environment” in the lab at work. I feel like when I’m in a happy mood so are my coworkers.

3. Don’t compare yourself to others. You are unique and you are doing something unique so no one can compare to what you are doing.

4. This is actually a quote that I received yesterday in an email but I still like it: “You’re not living, unless someone doesn’t like what you’re wearing, doing, or dreaming of becoming!” – Kandee Johnson

5. God is still responding to me.

6. I read an article about a book called “Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?” by Jeanette Winterson and it seems like she had parents somewhat similar to my own. It seems like her mother was wayyyy wayy more strict and crazy, but nonetheless I feel like I can relate to her. In the article the author says: “Yes. I’ve come to realize — and it’s one of the great things about getting older — that everything that we think of as a truth is propositional. It’s usually only passed off as a truth because it’s reinforced either by society or by tradition or by assumption. In fact, once we take those truths apart we realize just how propositional they are. We realize we can change them, but that’s difficult to do because we put such emphasis around these things. Quite a lot goes unchallenged in life. Even now when we’re supposed to be much more democratic and there’s more tolerance in the world, every day people still just crucify themselves over whether they fit in, whether they’re right, whether they’re appropriate or loveable or acceptable. It’s the unspoken question that troubles many people.” She also says in an unrelated part of the interview: “I don’t think any that any of the really big questions in life ever get answered.” I think God’s telling me that I may never really fully understand what my purpose or goal in life is until after this life is over. Which sucks on one hand, but on the other hand I guess it takes a little pressure off of me.