I had a pretty good evening tonight. Went out to dinner with Riandi and his friend Steve and Marie. I was actually nervous and dreading the dinner since last week due to social anxiety, but it turned out better than expected! I don’t know Steve and Marie very well, but I somehow managed to not get very anxious during the dinner and was able to converse like a normal human being lol. I think from the outside, no one would have known I have social anxiety. I’m proud of myself. Additionally, Marie invited me to her and Riandi’s shared birthday thing at a dinner mystery place next month. She also wants to come autocrossing with me sometime. So… that’s cool I feel pretty happy right now.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a little nostalgic for past relationships and wondering if I’ve made huge mistakes in leaving two people in particular. #1 being Brian. But, I keep focusing on his good points and forgetting his major flaws. I was only dating him (we were never even a couple) for a few weeks and immediately I was able to see a major flaw. He was NOT a gentleman. That’s a major drawback for me! On our first technical date, he allowed me to pay for the whole thing!!! WTF! Additionally, that made me remember one time at autocross when we were both at the same station… he didn’t do his fair share of cone shagging. I did about 75% of the running around. Granted, there may be reasons for all of the above, but in my book they were some big flaws. I want to feel special to the guy I’m dating and yes, I’m all about equality of the sexes, but I still think on the FIRST date the guy should pay. To me that shows serious, genuine interest in the girl. If he doesn’t pay, its like he just wants to be friends. Lol that’s just me and how I feel about it! Anyway… #2 Toshi. Yes, we had a good friendship-type relationship and got along well as FRIENDS, but he was incapable of being romantic or expressing his feelings unless he was super drunk. He also didn’t seem to care one way or the other if I had sex with someone else and was very adamant that he had no intent on marrying me. I don’t even know why I stayed with him longer than the first year! What was I thinking? *slaps forehead* However, I do miss his ability to fix cars. I saved so much money! lol Damn I reallyyyy miss that!
Ok, can we talk about breast enhancements for a minute? I’ve been spending a lot of my free time after work googling fat transfer breast enhancement procedures. It sounds… AWESOME. I could essentially kill two birds with one stone: get rid of the extra fat in my thighs and buttocks and add it to my breasts to enhance their shape and size. It’s kind of disappointing that it would only increase their size 1/2 – 1 cup size, but from looking at some of the pictures they could turn out looking realllyyyy nice. And very natural looking too! The procedure could cost around $10,000 which is quite a bit more than I want to spend so I don’t know if it’s worth it. I hate that I even want to change my breast size, but I kind of want to feel sexy at least for a period of time in my life. I’m 27 and I’m not getting any younger. And I def don’t feel sexy right now. Too much fat on my thighs and butt and I’m only an A cup I feel unattractive. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a bathing suit even in my own apartment lol.
I’ve been growing my hair out for like 2 years now and I’m starting to hate it. It’s so thin and stringy looking. I caught a glimpse of myself from the back in a dressing room in Target and realized that I look like a homeless man from behind! :'( All that growing my hair out and waiting just to look worse than before. I dunno if I wanna cut it a bit or what. I’ve been taking Biotin supplements for about 30 days in an attempt to get more hair to grow, but I haven’t noticed any changes yet. I have a 90 day supply so I’ll keep taking them everyday.
Work is actually stressing me the fuck out today. We had a major release over the weekend and we’re getting tons of emails in with problems. And Peggy and Michel are gone for the day so it’s just me. And Peggy is gone tomorrow also. I’m going crazy today trying to keep up! It’s making my head hurt and I feel light headed lol. I’m such a wimp.
P.S. ksmiley – Thanks for all your supportive and positive comments It’s nice to know that someone out there is reading and that we have some things in common!
It’s gonna be a busy week. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day (duh), Wednesday is the start of my investing in real estate class, Thursday is my therapist appointment, and Friday is Aj’s birthday! And I still don’t have a gift for him! Eff! But you know what, it’s his own fault. I’ve been asking him for 2 weeks to show me the downpipe that he wants for his car and he still hasn’t shown me and then today he says he doesn’t want me to buy it for him because it’s too expensive. He’s so last minute. I wish he would’ve told me that 2 weeks ago.
I got my blood drawn this morning so that they could run a bunch of tests on me to make sure my thyroid and vitamin d and whatever else levels are normal so they know whether or not that’s playing a part in my depression. I’m 99.9% sure they’re going to come out normal so I’m a bit bitter that I even had to get the tests done lol. I am soooooo terrified of getting blood drawn. Shots are kind of ok because I get allergy shots all the time. But getting blood drawn sends me into a panic and I easily pass out. And this morning’s was the worst! The needle thing was in my arm for so long! And she had ME hold it there! WTF? Honestly lady, don’t you understand?? I’m freaking out about my blood being drawn so me having to TOUCH the instruments in my arm is going to freak me out even more! I was crying and hyperventilating the whole time! She sucked! lol
I’m pretty excited about tomorrow. Aj and I are going to D&B for V-day lol. It’s the site of our first date 😉 Plus they have this awesome Red Bull slushie thing that I loveeeee! Can’t wait! I also want to play that electronic bowling game they have, and shoot some pool. Aj is so competitive though, it kind of takes the fun out of it *rolls eyes*.
Riandi emailed me over the weekend to see if we could get together to catch up. I’m realllyyy glad he did. I have been thinking about him lately, wondering what he’s up to and feeling bad that we haven’t hung out in months. But, I felt too shy to email/text him lol.
Ugh, speaking of shyness… I’m getting so discouraged with my social anxiety work. I feel like I’m going backwards and all I really have to do right now is make note of when I’m feeling socially anxious! haha I went out last Thursday to dinner with Mini and Lisa and all I could think about was how awkward I am and how I have nothing interesting to contribute to the conversation I think I ended up being more quiet than usual. Fail. When we get together I end up feeling like an epic loser because they both have a lot of friends and they’re always talking about what this one or that one is doing and honestly the two of them are 2/3 of my friends here in VA lol. The other friend being Riandi. I keep replaying the dinner in my head and it’s like 4 days after the event! I don’t know how to quit!
I’ve started a new craft project. I don’t really do craft projects, but this one seemed easy enough and I had many of the supplies already so I figured why not. It’s stenciling.. So basically I find a stencil or picture I like online, cut it out with an Xacto knife and then I’m going to paint it on a piece of the canvas paper I already have. I cut out a peacock feather last night… it’s pretty detailed and intricate so I’m anxious to see how it turns out when I paint it tonight!
This post doesn’t really have a point…. oh well.
I know it’s not really breaking news, but I just read this article from the New Yorker about Tyler Clementi’s suicide: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/02/06/120206fa_fact_parker?currentPage=1
I was completely captivated by this article lol. The media makes it seem like it was a really extreme case of bullying, but I don’t think it was. Honestly, I could see something like this happening to anyone. Kids that are high school and college age do this kind of stuff all the time, but no one expects it to end in a death. And no one gets sentenced to years in prison because of it. I of course feel bad for Clementi, but I also feel bad for Ravi. I don’t think the punishment is going to fit the crime. I think he’s already been punished enough with this public humiliation and defamation. I think it’s going to take him years to live down what he did even if he doesn’t get any jail time. After reading this article, I don’t think Ravi is necessarily a bad, gay-bashing person. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to be his friend either. He just seems desperate for attention and approval by his peers.
In the past, I have thought about suicide myself so I can kind of relate to Clementi’s feelings. I can totally see how he would feel sooo horrible after what his roommate did to him. I know if I was in his shoes I would feel humiliated and publicly ostracized even though no one said anything directly to him. I just wish Clementi would have stood up for himself. I think he could have easily put a stop to the spycam stuff if he just mentioned to Ravi in person or even online that he knew what was going on. But, I also understand that it’s terrifying to confront someone that you don’t know well especially if you’re a very shy person like he was. I guess I’m happy that I was able to get through the bullying in high school and the major depressive times of college to get to where I am now. Although my life is nowhere near what I want it to be, I at least have some hope and perspective now. It would take more than someone bullying me to make me want to commit suicide now. Actually, at this point in my life, I wouldn’t allow anyone to bully me in the first place!
I just want to grab some of these teenagers that feel depressed and suicidal and feel like the world is so horrible and shake them! hahah I want to press into their brains that life gets better and you just have to get through the hs (and sometimes the college years too) in order to see it. It’s so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel during those times, so I wish I could just MAKE them know it somehow hahah. I dunno. The whole situation with Clementi and Ravi is just so sad and so unfortunate for both parties.
It’s always so weird to see what someone that you liked in the past is doing now via Facebook. I got a friend request from someone I barely knew in high school today. So I just accepted because I hardly ever go on FB and I don’t post anything so I don’t care much. Then, my old friend Carrie IM’ed me cuz she was actually the one who friended me through this other person that I barely knew’s profile. Anyway! We chatted for a bit and while I was waiting for her response to my IM I started scrolling through my page to see what’s there and I see pictures from this guy (I will call him “I”) who is also my neighbor. It’s pictures of his newborn baby. Of course I’m happy for him… but at the same time it kind of gave me a sick feeling lol. I have had a crush on him since the first time I saw him and although we were never that good of friends, I still think about him a lot. Probably because he’s still my neighbor! But, yeah, I stopped talking to him very much after I broke up with my ex in 2010 because “I” and my ex became good friends after our breakup so it just seemed weird for me to be hanging out with “I” too. Additionally, AJ, my current bf, was jealous so I didn’t want anything or anyone to interfere with my relationship. But, let’s be honest here folks, although I’m not and never was madly in love with “I”, there is a little part of me that still has a sweet spot for him. I didn’t realize his relationship with his girlfriend was this serious. Ugh! Such a weirdddd feeling! I’m very jealous! Kind of depressed too. Jealous because I don’t have that kind of relationship. Jealous because I don’t have that kind of relationship with him and I never will lol. Jealous that things seem to be progressing down the path that he’s been wanting for a while and things aren’t progressing very well in my own life. I feel absolutely ridiculous admitting all this. Why am I jealous over someone I’ve barely spoken to since 2010?? Wtf is wrong with me? *slaps forehead*
It’s making me re-think everything now lol. Wondering if my relationship with Aj will work out. And if so, when!?! Thinking about all of the guys that I’ve been in relationships with and makes me wonder if it would have worked out with them if we had worked out our problems. Admittedly, I do sometimes miss T oshi (my ex). I still use some of the jokes that he and I had between each other haha. People look at me like I’m a little crazy, but to me they’re funny! Anyway, he and I were just a lot alike as far as personalities go, so we got along really easily. We had a good friendship, but a not so good relationship. Sucks. I hate that he and “I” are such good friends now. Its just a double “fuck you” in my opinion. I’m wondering if I’ll ever have a good, solid, satisfying relationship. I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I can’t keep a relationship going for longer than 3 years. I’m wondering if there’s any part of me left that isn’t jaded and suspect of men anymore lol. I’ve been in *true, serious* love with too many guys in my opinion and each time the relationship ends, it takes a part of me. Then that’s just a little less of me that I have to give to the next person. And the less I have to give, the less chance that the relationship will work out! I’m so screwed! I have always preferred to blame my exes when the relationship ends, but now I realize that a lot of the problem was probably me.