My Appointment on Monday

I forgot to write about my appointment with the psychiatrist on Monday! It was my first visit to her and to any psychiatrist in 4-5 years, but I think it went very well. She was very good and within about 20-30 minutes she had most of my problems figured out and on paper haha. It makes me wonder about my psychologist who doesn’t seem to recognize most of the problems that the psychiatrist found so quickly. But, the psychiatrist (I’ll call her Dr. C) gave me a list of things I should work on with my therapist so at least I can go back to Dawn (my therapist) with a “doctor prescribed” list of things to actively work on. Dr. C said I needed to do cognitive behavioral therapy for my depression and work on assertiveness exercises and relationship skills. I kind of figured CBT was something I should be doing, but it’s nice to hear a doctor confirm it. I hope this gets things moving with Dawn as I don’t think our sessions have been doing much for me at all. It doesn’t help me in the long run to just sit and talk about all the things I’m depressed about on the day of the appointment. It’s not changing anything, it’s just venting! I can do that here or to a friend. And I’ve been seeing Dawn for well over a year so I’m way overdue. Yeesh!

Going to Mini’s tonight for dinner. I was feeling apprehensive about it earlier today for some reason. I guess that’s just the socially anxious person in me trying to avoid a social situation lol. But, I ran into Mini in the cafeteria and actually being in a social situation makes me feel happier and more positive, so I’m kind of looking forward to tonight.

Going up to MD to see Aj tomorrow night for a little date-night. I love when he says that he wants to see me during the week because he can’t wait for the weekend 😀 😀 It’s the best feeling! We’ve been going out for almost a year and a half and I’m so happy that he’s still so interested in me. It’s so unlike my previous relationships.

Oh yeah, Dr. C has bumped up my anti-depressants to double the dosage I was taking before. I started doing that yesterday and it seems to be helping a little. Fortunately, I didn’t get the headaches like I did when I first started taking the meds a few months ago. I feel slightttttly more energetic and slightly more motivated. Though, I am still pretty much a lump once I get home from work lol. Maybe the meds take a little while to ramp up? I hope that’s the case…

Gadget (my dog) has been driving me crazy lately. I feel horrible about it too.. He’s just a dog and he’s just acting the same as he always has, but it’s so difficult for me to take care of another creature when I can barely take care of myself. And now that it’s winter I just HATE going outside. One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to be a better doggie mommy. It’s been tough so far though lol. But, I am playing with him indoors a bit more. We play “crazy fetch” where I throw the toy and try to race him to the toy then I jump on him and try to wrestle the toy away from him lol. It’s fun.

Another Episode

I’m having another episode of major depression. I hate when this happens. It usually happens in the evenings when I’m at home watching something on the computer. I just all of a sudden realize omg my life is going nowhere and I’m not happy and I’m never going to be happy and I lose all motivation to do anything. I can’t even motivate myself to do a simple house chore. It’s just like my whole world falls apart so quickly. I’ve been taking Wellbutrin for about a month and 1-2 weeks. It was working really well for the first 3 weeks, but after that point the depression episodes like I’m having tonight started coming back. Granted, they would only happen maybe once or twice a week whereas before taking the Wellbutrin I would be depressed 5-7 days out of the week lol. But, still… the episodes are just as bad as ever. I’m just as hopeless as ever!

I think I mentioned in 1-2 previous entries that I have been getting more religious and praying and trying to find God. But, as usual, my interest in that faded after about 2 months. I mean I’m still interested and all, but I feel like my faith is waning. I’m praying for more faith and more help in my life but it seems like God isn’t speaking to me much anymore. Which certainly doesn’t help my faith lol. I even feel kind of abandoned by my friend John who was the one who was always there for me in the beginning, helping me to figure out what God wanted from me. Now, I feel like our friendship is one-sided. Like I’m the one always asking him what to do and he never even shares equivalent things in his life with me until they’re long past. Which makes it seem like he doesn’t see me as someone who could offer any type of advice or worthwhile feedback to his issues. Of course, this might not be what’s really happening. It’s just my guess and just what I’m feeling at the moment.

Additionally, Lisa left the company to go work for another company so I see her less and less. We used to hang out about once a week. Now, it’s more like once every two weeks. We used to email or chat everyday at work, now it’s maybe once or twice a week. So that combined with John being more distant makes me feel really alone. Those two ppl were the ones I told most of my junk to lol. Now, I feel like I don’t have anyone else to talk to. Yeah, I know I could tell Aj and I do…. but it’s not the same. I felt like Lisa and John understood my issues but I don’t feel like Aj does.

I think what’s setting off the depression is this: I’ve been reading all these books by Robert Kiyosaki about how to invest and all the tax benefits that the rich get and blah blah blah. I’m on the third book now. At first I was titillated lol. I know it sounds funny, but I really was! I was so excited and energized at the thought that YES! I too could invest in X, Y and Z and become rich and quit my job and so on and so forth. But, the more I read the more discouraged I become. I know the books are supposed to encourage me and make me think that I too could become rich, but after a while they started to do the opposite.

1: The author talks about all these qualities that rich people have and I don’t have these qualities and it seems confusing and unreachable to gain these qualities especially without a mentor.
2: The author doesn’t actually give you many details about how to do anything in the books lol. Isn’t that how these books always are? They get you all hyped up thinking that you can learn to make money and then you find yourself on the last page of the book and you realize that you haven’t learned much of anything about how to make money lol. *sigh* I always fall for that stuff. I always think that THIS book will be different! THIS book will change it all for me!

But, I have learned a lot from the books and they have changed my point of view about life and making money. However, things are more difficult for me now because I see that there is a way out of the 9-5 rut, but I feel like I cannot personally achieve it. So I feel even more trapped and hopeless! It’s like I’m a bird in a cage and instead of being kept inside my cage indoors all the time, someone puts my cage outside on the porch. I’m still in the cage, but now I can see the big beautiful world! And I can never reach it…

Everyday I find myself asking “why am I here? Why was I even born?” These questions have been tormenting me for years. Sometimes I feel like God sent me to Earth just to suffer lol. I know it’s so trite and everyone thinks that at some point… I’ve been fighting depression for over 10 years and I haven’t even come close to conquering it. And there’s no bright light at the end of the tunnel, no happy ending just around the corner. It’s just me and my depression, unable to get out of the hole of despair. The same feelings just keep coming back over and over and over and over and OVER. And they’re SO painful, it’s almost a physical pain. I’m so tired of it. God won’t put us through anything we can’t handle…? Ok.. but why does he have to push us so close to the breaking point? To test my faith? Why? I’ve just seriously turned to God less than 3 months ago. It’s silly to test my faith this early in the game. I honestly feel like God doesn’t even want me and that it’s already written that I’m going to hell and no matter what I do I can’t change my fate.

Going to bed… maybe some sleep will make me feel better!