It seems that I can never get away from depression. It always finds me, no matter what. Sometimes I can fight it away, sometimes not.
It is the one year anniversary for my boyfriend and I. I’m actually quite happy about it and glad that we’re still together. I still have strong feelings for him and he does a lot to boost my happiness and keep social even when everything inside me is telling me to just crawl up under the covers and never come out. However, right now it just seems like it’s not enough. NOTHING is enough for me; to make me happy. No job, no religion, no romantic relationship, no friendship, no relationship with family…none of that brings me lasting happiness. So, I’m starting to realize that there’s really something wrong with ME. I need to fix something within myself. Problem is, I don’t know what that thing is that I so desperately need to fix. If I could just flip a switch and say that no matter what happens to me in the future, I’m going to face it head on with a positive attitude, I would. But, the feelings of depression are uncontrollable. And lately, the feelings are not even connected with negative feelings about myself. I could be feeling depressed, but I feel quite good about myself as a person – I feel attractive, intelligent with a good personality. Yet I still feel depressed anyway. I do seem to be getting depressed because my life seems stagnant and unimportant. Some of my friends are getting married, getting promotions, buying houses, etc., but I’m still just trying to figure out what to do with myself. I guess that’s my problem – I don’t know what to do with myself! lol. I am so frustrated that I am unable to find things that I enjoy doing. Which I guess is silly because, honestly, what new things have I been trying lately? None. I did take an extensive (and expensive) aptitude test which gave me a few ideas, but nonetheless I feel like I’m back to square one and no closer to happiness than ever before.
I can’t even remember a time that I wasn’t struggling with some form of depression. It’s always there in the back of my mind… Even if I’m having a good week or a good month, it always comes back. It’s never fully gone. I don’t think I was ever a happy child. Certainly no one has ever described me as a happy child. This leads me to believe that there’s just something physically, psychologically wrong in my head. Something isn’t wired right. And I feel so hopeless because I’ve taken anti-depressants before and they didn’t help. I was on them for 4 or so years and I tried various kinds, so I feel that I gave them a fair shot. I’ve also tried 5-HTP and St. John’s Wart more recently to try to keep from going back on anti-depressants, but overall they’re not that effective. I’ve also gone to 3 different therapists and nobody really seems to be able to help. The last therapist I actually liked, but after 10 or so sessions I realized that all I was doing was talking about the same things over and over and I wasn’t getting much help from her. I would tell her I’m still feeling down, I’m still not happy about X, Y and Z and she couldn’t really give me much advice or suggestions on things to do. I mean, every so often, she would give me some little thing to try, but then the next week she didn’t even follow up on it. I think she forgot that she recommended it or gave me “homework”. So, after a while, I just didn’t do the things she suggested anymore. Lol, she wasn’t keeping me accountable. Sometimes I feel like I just want someone to parent me and tell me what to do and make me do the right thing(s) so I can improve. I feel like I’m just sitting here like a dumb robot waiting for someone’s commands. How stupid is that? I feel like I have a lot of potential, but I have no idea how to bring it out.