Apparently…

I’m starting to believe that there is no happiness on this earth for me. More often than not, I am depressed. I have no hope for the future and a hatred for my past. I feel that I am a waste of life and I was either sent to earth by accident or to just suffer. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, a few good friends, a good job and good coworkers. I should be happy. Ask anyone… I SHOULD BE HAPPY. But, yet I’m not and I don’t know why. I was mostly a good kid growing up, intelligent, got good grades, obeyed my parents, followed the rules. Went to a good college and got a degree in computer engineering. I have a life some people would envy. Yet, I feel like it’s empty and that I’ve done everything wrong. My life brings me no joy.

I know no new car, new apartment, new friends, new boyfriend, new computer, new clothes, or new job will make me happy. I need a new ME to be happy. But, how do I get to a new ME? What personality flaws do I need to focus on and change? And once I figure out what flaws I need to change… how do I change them? I’ve seen 3 different therapists and I’ve come to the conclusion that therapists are a huge waste of my money and time. But I feel like I NEED HELP…somehow. Who can help me if therapists can’t? If my friends and boyfriend can’t? I honestly don’t know how to help myself at this point.

I feel so lonely. The saying that you come into this world alone and you’ll leave this world alone makes more and more sense to me as I think about it. It makes me believe that all of the time spent in between birth and death is also basically spent alone. Only I know my own thoughts and nobody else will ever know me as well as I know myself. As much as I desire someone to know me extremely well, I don’t believe it’s possible. Maybe some people experience this kind of closeness, but I no longer believe I will.

One thought on “Apparently…

  1. You are not alone in this feeling. I believe everyone wants to be understood. Known. We all want to feel like we fully belong, somewhere. Anywhere. We want to feel like an integral part of some kind of group, or relationship, or clique.

    Hell, that’s my theory on the sole reason why the American t.v. show "Cheers" was so popular. The themesong is "Where everybody knows your name". And one of the characters, named "Norm", whenever he would walk in, everybody throughout the place would yell, "NORM!", as a greeting. Personally, I thought the show was boring, and I didn’t watch it. But, that doesn’t mean I didn’t want that just like everybody else.

    Sorry for this rant/ramble. All I can offer for advice is, express your feelings more often. Not to the point where it gets you fired from your job, and destroys your life. But, really express. Especially your opinions about things. Just imagine to yourself that someone (anyone) in range asked you, "what do you really think about this?" Even if it’s not really any of your business, if you have an opinion, share it. I’m not saying be vile. Be constructive. "I think that person is wrong." Or "I can’t stand that show." It’s not to hurt people, it’s to get out some of what you hold in all the time. If you do this for a while, you may find it start to make you feel a little better. And in life, it’s each baby-step that counts. Make yourself better by increments. Good luck!

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