I’m starting to believe that there is no happiness on this earth for me. More often than not, I am depressed. I have no hope for the future and a hatred for my past. I feel that I am a waste of life and I was either sent to earth by accident or to just suffer. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, a few good friends, a good job and good coworkers. I should be happy. Ask anyone… I SHOULD BE HAPPY. But, yet I’m not and I don’t know why. I was mostly a good kid growing up, intelligent, got good grades, obeyed my parents, followed the rules. Went to a good college and got a degree in computer engineering. I have a life some people would envy. Yet, I feel like it’s empty and that I’ve done everything wrong. My life brings me no joy.
I know no new car, new apartment, new friends, new boyfriend, new computer, new clothes, or new job will make me happy. I need a new ME to be happy. But, how do I get to a new ME? What personality flaws do I need to focus on and change? And once I figure out what flaws I need to change… how do I change them? I’ve seen 3 different therapists and I’ve come to the conclusion that therapists are a huge waste of my money and time. But I feel like I NEED HELP…somehow. Who can help me if therapists can’t? If my friends and boyfriend can’t? I honestly don’t know how to help myself at this point.
I feel so lonely. The saying that you come into this world alone and you’ll leave this world alone makes more and more sense to me as I think about it. It makes me believe that all of the time spent in between birth and death is also basically spent alone. Only I know my own thoughts and nobody else will ever know me as well as I know myself. As much as I desire someone to know me extremely well, I don’t believe it’s possible. Maybe some people experience this kind of closeness, but I no longer believe I will.