How strange… I’m reading about Hurricane Irene and how it could cause damage to New York City. And what are my first thoughts? Of Alain. So strange. It’s been…6-7 years since I’ve seen him and what do I do? I send out a prayer for his protection. First loves/true loves die hard…. I don’t know what I’d do if I found out something horrible happened to him. Despite all the pain he caused me, I would never ever ever ever wish harm on him. I wish him happiness and a good life. I still think he’s a good person and I know he didn’t want to cause me any pain. So, dear Lord, dear Buddha, dear Infinite Wisdom, please keep him safe and grant him a beautiful life!
I’m starting to believe that there is no happiness on this earth for me. More often than not, I am depressed. I have no hope for the future and a hatred for my past. I feel that I am a waste of life and I was either sent to earth by accident or to just suffer. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, a few good friends, a good job and good coworkers. I should be happy. Ask anyone… I SHOULD BE HAPPY. But, yet I’m not and I don’t know why. I was mostly a good kid growing up, intelligent, got good grades, obeyed my parents, followed the rules. Went to a good college and got a degree in computer engineering. I have a life some people would envy. Yet, I feel like it’s empty and that I’ve done everything wrong. My life brings me no joy.
I know no new car, new apartment, new friends, new boyfriend, new computer, new clothes, or new job will make me happy. I need a new ME to be happy. But, how do I get to a new ME? What personality flaws do I need to focus on and change? And once I figure out what flaws I need to change… how do I change them? I’ve seen 3 different therapists and I’ve come to the conclusion that therapists are a huge waste of my money and time. But I feel like I NEED HELP…somehow. Who can help me if therapists can’t? If my friends and boyfriend can’t? I honestly don’t know how to help myself at this point.
I feel so lonely. The saying that you come into this world alone and you’ll leave this world alone makes more and more sense to me as I think about it. It makes me believe that all of the time spent in between birth and death is also basically spent alone. Only I know my own thoughts and nobody else will ever know me as well as I know myself. As much as I desire someone to know me extremely well, I don’t believe it’s possible. Maybe some people experience this kind of closeness, but I no longer believe I will.
I’m feeling very very strange tonight. I feel both horrible and depressed, but at the same time, hopeful for the future. I had another soul-crushing day at work, my manager frustrated me as did my friend John. Then as I came home a child that lives in my apartment community said he hated me. I don’t even know this child but it still was not a great thing to come home and have someone say to you. Then my boyfriend shuts down on me because I’m going to my neighbor’s apartment to get to know her better, but he doesn’t 100% believe me. Fortunately, the saving grace of my day was spending an hour getting to know my neighbor Marla better. She is really cool and I see a little of myself in her. She made me feel good about myself and was very sweet. So, I guess I’m just feeling all the crap from today in addition to the happiness that Marla made me feel. It’s still strange to feel both positive and negative at the same time. It’s very confusing and kind of numbing. I’m not sure which emotions to go with, so I’m just kind of sitting back and feeling nothing.