I sincerely hate the holidays. I swear, every year I just feel more and more depressed during them. I don’t know why either. I just feel so tired, unmotivated, like life has no purpose and there’s no reason to even try anymore. I’ve even gone so far as to find the thought of racing again as sad and unsatisfying. I feel like if I can’t make a career out of it and compete nationally, then why even bother?
I am reading the book “The House of Leaves” and I’m reading the mother’s letters to her son and they remind me of how I used to write poetry when I was a teenager. Very fully of emotion and completely open. For some reason, I want to be like that again… and share these feelings with Aj. I can’t explain it, but I feel like he would accept me if I did. But, I am still afraid to actually do it. I’m like 70% sure he’d respond favorably and 30% sure he’ll laugh at me haha. But, first thing’s first, I have to get back into the mindset of writing very emotionally. The thing I would most love to do is direct him to this diary and have him read everything. I’m not even sure if he’s interested in doing that. I guess I’m just DYING to have someone know me on that level… know all my dirty little secrets and still love me. Maybe all this stemmed from Tuesday evening… we were in Aj’s car driving back from the Mongolian restaurant and somehow got on the subject of being caught by our parents with porn. And I admitted to him with some reluctance that I found porn under my father’s bed and took it for my own. I was embarrassed to admit it to Aj thinking that he’s going to think both me and my family are weirdos.. but he didn’t even flinch. He asked more questions, seemed genuinely interested in the whole situation and told me it wasn’t weird at all. Haha I dunno.. I still think the situation was weird and I don’t admit it to many people. I was impressed by how he responded though. It made me feel more open and closer to him. Sometimes I feel such a strong longing and love for him it’s surprising. Surprising why? I don’t know… I have felt this feeling before with all of my other boyfriends. I guess surprising because for a while there I was starting to wonder if I really wanted to fall in love again or if it was even possible. I was also not sure if I should let myself fall for Aj. But, I’m starting to believe that it might be okay to let myself go completely with him. He seems to genuinely love me and be willing to put himself out there and let me know that he’s more in love with me than I am right now lol. He’s said things like he wants to be with me forever and that he’d die for me to save my life. Sure, it could be bullshit… But, I think he’s telling the truth. What reason would he have to lie? We’ve been going out for over a month… I’m already his girlfriend and we’ve already had sex so he has no reason to lie to me about that stuff. It would serve no purpose.
On a completely different topic, I’ve decided that I need to get my ass on a diet and exercise plan. I gained 5 lbs since the last time I checked my weight a few months ago and I think it’s from eating out so much with Aj. So, I’m gonna have to figure out what kind of a plan will work for me. Its going to be REALLY hard since I have no motivation anymore and all I want to do is eat and watch tv shows on my computer lol.
I sold the Jetta yesterday. $2850. Less than I was hoping for, but now I can move on and work on buying a new car. I got the new car loan from my credit union yesterday also after the sale so I’m ready to go. Just need the right price.