Psychologist

I had my first appointment with Dawn, my (possible) new psychologist. I actually really like her. She’s kind of a cute, bubbly woman which is the type of person I mesh well with. She asked me some basic feeler questions today and the hour went by really quickly. She asks a lot of questions which I really like. During the session I mentioned that my friend John thought I might have some abandonment issues from my parents and Dawn seemed to think that that made sense. She said she thinks I have low self-esteem possibly because of my parents not being around much while I was growing up, which my child-self attributed to me not being good enough to pay attention to and spend time with. She also said that even though my parents didn’t give me a lot of attention, my grandparents did and so obviously I am good enough to be loved. I don’t know why, but when she said that I started crying. I actually never thought of it that way. But, I guess it’s normal that I haven’t thought of it that way since children seek to bond with their parents, not so much their grandparents.

75%

At this point I think I’m about 75% over Ferdi. I don’t think about him quite as much and if I do, I don’t dwell on the thoughts long. And I’m not crying about him anymore. I think my brain is starting to slowly but surely understand that he was never into me in the first place and that even if he was, we wouldn’t have had a good relationship anyway. Right now, when I think about him, I feel a mixture of anger and a tiny bit of longing. But, his memories are slowly, slowly fading. I think the thing I miss the most is just being in a relationship and having someone to call or text anytime I want to. I also miss the sex!! lol I guess I’ll eventually get used to not having either of those :(

So Angry Right Now

I met with Ferdi’s friends Bee and Long last night to get some stuff done with my Jetta and of course we had to talk about Ferdi and I breaking up. Bee didnt tell me much but from what I gather Ferdi had called him and texted him saying that he didnt know what to say to me because he still missed his ex wife. Then later on after he broke up with me Ferdi texted Bee telling him he missed “her”. Bee thought he meant me, but he actually meant his exwife. So, yeah, I feel like a complete fool for still being hung up on him when he’s not even thinking about me anymore. I feel like a complete fool for EVER falling for him. He never loved me. It was always about his exwife. I understand it’s hard to get over a marriage, but he should’ve taken the time to get over her before trying to find another girlfriend. The whole relationship was a lie and all he did was use me. Ugh he’s just all full of firsts for me… never been treated so well, never been betrayed so much.

To Ferdi

My friend John suggested I write out a letter to Ferdi but wait two weeks and see if I still want to send it. I know I won’t want to send it in two weeks, but he thinks I should write it out anyway.

Dear Ferdi,

It’s been a week since you broke it off with me and I’ve missed you a lot since then. When I said I loved you, I meant it. I feel so dumb for falling for you because I don’t think you ever meant it when you said you loved me. How could you have meant it when you’re still missing your ex-wife? I don’t understand why you did this to me. Were you lying to me the whole time? Were you pretending that I was your ex? Or were you hoping that your ex would find out about us and get jealous?

You really seemed to be the best guy I’ve met in years… Nobody’s ever treated me like you did this last month and a half and I’m so jealous of your ex-wife because she got to experience that kind of treatment for several years. I wish I was her. I wish I was the one you’re so depressed about right now. It was easy for me to fall for you because you were so sweet to me and paid attention to the little things about me. I loved holding your hand and when you put your hand on my leg in the car. Nobody else has ever even given me a flower before or tried so hard to make things great in bed for me. Our first date was awesome.. I felt like I was the happiest girl in the world when you kissed me on the cheek in the ice cream store. You always said that I made you feel relaxed and comfortable.. but even on the last day we spent together, you still made me nervous. I wanted you to like me so much.

One of the best nights I shared with you was the night when you didn’t want to be at your house with all your roommates and other ppl. I think that was the night I had the stomach ache from eating your pasta and sausage haha. Anyway, we hung out in your car listening to music in the CVS parking lot. It was really nice and I felt close to you. Then you took me on a drive around Baltimore and showed me places where you worked and that building that your uncle owns. I really enjoyed learning about you and your past. I wanted to be the person you could open up to and feel comfortable with. I wanted to be the girl that was different than all the others. The one you would want to marry and stay with forever. I know that sounds so dumb what with me only knowing you for a grand total of two months, but it’s the truth. Things just seemed to happen so smoothly between us in the beginning… we were really attracted to each other and got along well so our first date was awesome. Then every time we got together after that you continued to be so sweet – buying things for me, picking me up, letting me borrow your car while you got mine fixed for me. It’s still mind-boggling to me how much time and effort you put into fixing that car for me. I really appreciate it. Nobody else on earth has ever done stuff like that for me. I felt so special and loved.

I trusted you so much Ferdi. Why did you betray me like this? Why did you tell me you were over her one week then the next dump me because you’re not really over her?? I trusted you with everything… my money, my car, all of my secrets and all of my love. Why did you betray me and lie to me? Why did you convince me that you were such a trustworthy guy and then do this?? Why did you play me for a fool? Did I just misunderstand the kind of person you were?? From what I knew.. you were exactly what I was looking for. Someone who shared my interests, someone who was honest (so I thought) and open with his feelings, someone really attractive, and treated me like a princess. What more could any girl want?

I started getting the feeling that something was wrong when I realized that you didn’t want to spend time alone with me unless we were having sex. Especially the weekend you had your cat. It was so obvious… it seemed like you just wanted to get away from me. You followed that damn cat around everywhere and totally ignored me. Then you just wandered off leaving me alone with your friends before we all went to the cigar store. I was wondering if you’d even ask me to come to the store with you and Jay. Then you pretty much ignored me while we were out too. I guess maybe you’re not as awesome as I thought. Then later on that night we were up in your room and I talked about my ex and all the shitty things he did to me and you said that maybe you were more like him than I realized. I thought that was really strange… Then you said something about your ex thinking you were a shitty person. And that you would always be checking up on her when she was out and didn’t come back. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. I also didn’t see what it had to do with how my ex acted towards me haha. I guess you were just thinking about her a lot already.

I know I’m going to regret saying this later, but I hope when you are finally over your ex, you will look me up. You’re a really great guy and I want to be with one you share the rest of your life with.

Love,
Jen