Ugh Depressed Again

And I was doing pretty good today… :( I went to my first yoga class this morning and enjoyed it a lot. Then came home and chatted with a guy I met on pof.com while watching Transformers then went out and walked the dog and chatted with some neighbors. But, now it’s night time and I have nothing to do.. and started watching a video on YouTube that shows a guy making abstract art and they played this jazzy, soothing song and it just made me think of Ferdi. He always liked to play music while we slept at night or while we had sex and some of the songs sounded like that stupid jazz song. I miss him so much :(:( I’m getting all these messages on pof but I just want Ferdi. With his gorgeous eyes, mohawk, lipring, perfect lips :(:( I dont think he ever really loved me even though he said he did :( I think he was just placing all his feelings for his ex onto me and trying to make it work that way. I don’t really blame myself for not seeing it. It’s not like I knew he wasn’t over his ex when I got into the relationship. Sure he was still technically married to her, but I understood his reasoning (he needed a green card) and he didnt live with her (she was living with the guy she cheated on him with) or seem to be interested in her at all anymore. Of course, now I know that there’s other ways for him to get a green card, but I didnt know that at the time. I guess I just assumed that since she cheated on him, he was over her and angry at her. Who knew you could get so brokenhearted over a month and a half relationship?? And it kills me that he didnt seem much upset about losing me. He’s upset about her and not me :'( Whereas just a few days earlier he was looking into my eyes and telling me he loved me.

Our first date was awesome. We met in Tysons mall outside of Barnes & Noble. I still remember the first time I saw him. Lol the first thing he had to do was go to the bathroom hahah I thought he didnt like me since the first thing he wanted to do was get away from me. I was wondering if he’d come back. But he did and then he drove me to Old Town Alexandria and we walked around there and along the waterfront for a while. I was so attracted to him. Then we got some food at an Italian place and I could barely eat anything because it was all so filling. After walking some more we went to an ice cream shop and while waiting in line he kissed my cheek out of the blue. Hahah it was so cute like we were in middle school or something. I think I looked surprised and then he said something about “you didn’t think I would? I already told you before we met that I would try to kiss you.” We had chatted via text message for a few days before meeting and he had said that he would definitely try to kiss me on our first date.

Later on after a few weeks of going out with him, he moved to a house outside of Baltimore. One of the weekends I went up to visit him he took me out into the city of Baltimore to show me around. We just drove around in his Audi. It was so chill – great weather, his hand was on my leg, he was showing me all the nice stuff bmore has to offer. I was so in love with him then. I was so interested in finding out everything about him and his past and the jobs he had and who his family was. Before he took me on the tour of Baltimore, we sat in his car in a parking lot and listened to songs on his iPod. I know it sounds simple, but I totally enjoyed it. He told me about a band called Russian Circles and I listened to them for a while and really liked them. We both agreed that we should see one of their shows together :'( Goddamn it why did he do this to me?? I trusted him so much. He kept telling me that he doesn’t date just any girl or have sex with just any girl. Anyway, that night was also one of the best nights I had with him.

Ugh I feel sick. If this was one week ago, I would be with him right now. Although if it was last week we would just be hanging out with his friends and not really talking to each other. I guess it’s all starting to make sense. That’s probably why he started to not want to be alone with me anymore… he wasn’t into me. Ugghhhhhh damn himmmm

One thought on “Ugh Depressed Again

  1. There’s nothing wrong with you. our problem is that we need to find happiness in the simple things. life does get repetitive and redundant, but we have to learn to find happiness and enjoyment in the simple things and those small moments.

    The other mistake most of us do is define our happiness by the relationships we are in. We truly cannot know happiness till we can find happiness alone. If you cannot make the best of your life alone, then you cannot truly be happy with someone. you have to be content enough in yourself that you are not reliant on them for happiness.

    you need to get to know youself. Find out what you truly enjoy and will make you happy. Make good positive friendships. Get involved in something you care about. truly become acquainted with yourself. so many of us get confused and think we can only know happiness in a relationship, but it should only add to your present happiness.

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