Mornings are the Worst

I hate waking up in the morning. The first thing I think of is Ferdi :'( And how I’ll never see him again or kiss him again or run my fingers through his hair again or hold his hand again. He made me feel things I haven’t felt in years and that I thought I’d never feel again – I felt really in love with someone, excited about them, hope for the future, excitement about the future. And I felt like he felt the same way about me which was the best part! It’s so hard to accept that it was all a lie when it felt so real. I’m so tired of always feeling so down. Year after year after year, depressed, unhappy, no motivation. What do I do to be happy again?? Again? I said it like I ever remember a time where I was truly happy other than for a few fleeting moments when something especially good happened to me. I don’t know how other people do it: work, eat, sleep, do it again. What is the point??

Ok, ok so I actually started to feel pretty happy for a month or two when I decided I would break up with Toshi. I felt free like a bird and so happy for some reason. So, a few weeks later I put a profile up on Zoosk and a week or so later met Ferdi and things just felt like they were getting better and better. I was on top of the world. Then things went south and now I wonder how I was ever happy before. Haha what on earth is wrong with me??

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