The Thinking I Did Today

So, I was doing some reading up about abandonment issues today at work (cuz I’m such a good employee) and I decided to make a list of the times I felt abandoned in my life and try to explain those times. So, here’s my lists:

Times I Felt Abandoned:
– When I was left at daycare in the morning. I remember feeling like my life was over and I was never going to see my parents again and that I was all alone in the world. I would cry and feel extremely depressed. Sometimes I was absolutely SURE that they would get into a car accident or something and I’d never see them again. I remember being a bit too old to be acting like this… I was much older than the other kids at daycare. Maybe middle school age.
– Anytime I had a any problem at school or whatever, I never felt like I could tell my parents about it. I would keep it to myself. Often, I wouldn’t even write it down in my diary (example: if someone made fun of me at school).
– During my teenage years I felt very criticized by both of my parents because of how I dressed and the music I listened to. I felt abandoned because I feel like my parents never tried to bridge the gap between us during those difficult years.
– When Alain left me for reasons I never fully understood.
– When I was made fun of at school for how I dressed/looked.
– When I was very young, my dad worked late a lot. Mom said I would always ask where Daddy was at bedtime and would give her trouble when she was trying to put me to bed because I wanted to see him before I went to sleep.
– When Ferdi left me because he was not over his ex. He left me with a crappy car and a broken toe! ugh. Anyway..

Other random notes:
– The first time I recall my dad ever saying that I was pretty was when I was in college.
– I was never able to allow my grandparents to take the emotional place of my parents so as to not feel abandonment when they left me with them everyday.

Reasons Why I Was Abandoned:
– My parents left me with babysitters, daycare, grandparents, alone, etc so that they could work and pay the bills to support me. They also were trying to save up money for me to go to college. They wanted me to have a better life than they did. They loved/love me.
– Alain left me because perhaps our relationship got old for him or perhaps because he found himself changing into a different person and we no longer made a good couple. Or perhaps I became too needy and dependent on him for love.
– My parents got mad at me for the way I dressed and the music I listened to during my teenage years because of how they grew up. They both grew up in religious households so when I dressed that way and listened to that music, they were afraid for me and my soul.
– Ferdi left me because he realized that he was not yet over his ex wife and didn’t want me to waste any more time on him. He also realized that he needed to take more time for himself to get over her.

An Idear

I was talking with my online buddy John about my whole situation today (I’ve actually been talking to him about it as it happens for a week, he’s been my rock!) and he thinks it sounds like I have abandonment issues from childhood. From my parents not being around while I was growing up due to them working long hours. I think it makes sense. When I was dumped by Alain, I was still messed up about it 6 years later (i.e. earlier this year!!). Now that I’ve been dumped by Ferdi, I have no interest whatsoever in Alain and all I can think about is Ferdi. But, I didn’t have much problem getting over Mike or Toshi even though I dated them for a longer period of time because I was the one who left them. I think it’s just the abandonment that is getting to me. So, I’ve ordered a book from the interwebs on dealing with abandonment issues that will hopefully help me out. Can’t wait to get it! I need to put an end to this nonsense!! It just keeps happening over and over.

Ugh Depressed Again

And I was doing pretty good today… :( I went to my first yoga class this morning and enjoyed it a lot. Then came home and chatted with a guy I met on pof.com while watching Transformers then went out and walked the dog and chatted with some neighbors. But, now it’s night time and I have nothing to do.. and started watching a video on YouTube that shows a guy making abstract art and they played this jazzy, soothing song and it just made me think of Ferdi. He always liked to play music while we slept at night or while we had sex and some of the songs sounded like that stupid jazz song. I miss him so much :(:( I’m getting all these messages on pof but I just want Ferdi. With his gorgeous eyes, mohawk, lipring, perfect lips :(:( I dont think he ever really loved me even though he said he did :( I think he was just placing all his feelings for his ex onto me and trying to make it work that way. I don’t really blame myself for not seeing it. It’s not like I knew he wasn’t over his ex when I got into the relationship. Sure he was still technically married to her, but I understood his reasoning (he needed a green card) and he didnt live with her (she was living with the guy she cheated on him with) or seem to be interested in her at all anymore. Of course, now I know that there’s other ways for him to get a green card, but I didnt know that at the time. I guess I just assumed that since she cheated on him, he was over her and angry at her. Who knew you could get so brokenhearted over a month and a half relationship?? And it kills me that he didnt seem much upset about losing me. He’s upset about her and not me :'( Whereas just a few days earlier he was looking into my eyes and telling me he loved me.

Our first date was awesome. We met in Tysons mall outside of Barnes & Noble. I still remember the first time I saw him. Lol the first thing he had to do was go to the bathroom hahah I thought he didnt like me since the first thing he wanted to do was get away from me. I was wondering if he’d come back. But he did and then he drove me to Old Town Alexandria and we walked around there and along the waterfront for a while. I was so attracted to him. Then we got some food at an Italian place and I could barely eat anything because it was all so filling. After walking some more we went to an ice cream shop and while waiting in line he kissed my cheek out of the blue. Hahah it was so cute like we were in middle school or something. I think I looked surprised and then he said something about “you didn’t think I would? I already told you before we met that I would try to kiss you.” We had chatted via text message for a few days before meeting and he had said that he would definitely try to kiss me on our first date.

Later on after a few weeks of going out with him, he moved to a house outside of Baltimore. One of the weekends I went up to visit him he took me out into the city of Baltimore to show me around. We just drove around in his Audi. It was so chill – great weather, his hand was on my leg, he was showing me all the nice stuff bmore has to offer. I was so in love with him then. I was so interested in finding out everything about him and his past and the jobs he had and who his family was. Before he took me on the tour of Baltimore, we sat in his car in a parking lot and listened to songs on his iPod. I know it sounds simple, but I totally enjoyed it. He told me about a band called Russian Circles and I listened to them for a while and really liked them. We both agreed that we should see one of their shows together :'( Goddamn it why did he do this to me?? I trusted him so much. He kept telling me that he doesn’t date just any girl or have sex with just any girl. Anyway, that night was also one of the best nights I had with him.

Ugh I feel sick. If this was one week ago, I would be with him right now. Although if it was last week we would just be hanging out with his friends and not really talking to each other. I guess it’s all starting to make sense. That’s probably why he started to not want to be alone with me anymore… he wasn’t into me. Ugghhhhhh damn himmmm

Mornings are the Worst

I hate waking up in the morning. The first thing I think of is Ferdi :'( And how I’ll never see him again or kiss him again or run my fingers through his hair again or hold his hand again. He made me feel things I haven’t felt in years and that I thought I’d never feel again – I felt really in love with someone, excited about them, hope for the future, excitement about the future. And I felt like he felt the same way about me which was the best part! It’s so hard to accept that it was all a lie when it felt so real. I’m so tired of always feeling so down. Year after year after year, depressed, unhappy, no motivation. What do I do to be happy again?? Again? I said it like I ever remember a time where I was truly happy other than for a few fleeting moments when something especially good happened to me. I don’t know how other people do it: work, eat, sleep, do it again. What is the point??

Ok, ok so I actually started to feel pretty happy for a month or two when I decided I would break up with Toshi. I felt free like a bird and so happy for some reason. So, a few weeks later I put a profile up on Zoosk and a week or so later met Ferdi and things just felt like they were getting better and better. I was on top of the world. Then things went south and now I wonder how I was ever happy before. Haha what on earth is wrong with me??

Up and Down

Hahah what an up and down day. Half of the day I was sobbing my eyes out and depressed. Then, I finally got my shit together and put a profile up on pof.com and within 1 minute of finishing my profile I got an IM from a really nice, really hot guy. We chatted on AIM for several hours and he invited me out to watch a UFC fight. I declined because I want to chat online with him a little longer first. He plays guitar and sings (pretty darn well!) and owns two companies! He’s also been single for over a year which at least means he’s probably over his ex haha. It could also mean bad things too, but I’ll just have to find that out as I go. The only bad thing is he’s 35, nine years older than me. He looks my age though. I dunno if I should worry about the age thing or not.

I wouldn’t say I’m 100% over Ferdi, but I feel like meeting some other guys will help me forget about him. Unfortunately, right now I’m checking out messages and talking to people and wishing they had a mohawk like Ferdi and spoke in broken English like Ferdi lol. Ugh, why did he have to be so cute and so close to having everything I wanted???

Also, Ferdi actually texted me today and said his friend was interested in buying my motor from my totaled tC. So, his friend Rocky and I were texting back and forth for several hours chit-chatting about tCs. It was kinda nice just to have a convo with a new person :) I also took the opportunity to mention that I’m happy and moving on from Ferdi to him hahah. Despite all the feelings I have for Ferdi, I am starting to get a little angry about what he did. He totally led me on the whole time and tried to make me fit into his ex-wife’s mold. And even tho we went out for a month and a half, he never even tried to add me on Facebook… which I think is odd. Who knows the reason for that? I’m pretty sure he went to my FB site though because he mentioned how my ex bf looked to me once even though I had never directly shown him a pic.

ksmiley: Thanks for all your encouraging comments! I definitely appreciate your point of view and hearing about your experiences :)

Can’t Stop Thinking About Ferdi

I can’t stop thinking about Ferdi. As stupid as it sounds, I really thought he might be the one I settle down with. I was so dumb. There were so many signs that I didnt catch, but I’m seeing it now. Like when I asked him if his cat was afraid of dogs and he said that his cat had never seen a dog and he didnt want to even try it. And from the very first date he kept saying “you’re mine, you’re mine”. Probably trying to make up for the fact that his ex left him. And then when he got so upset about work and his failure in his marriage that one day last week… I knew that that didn’t sound right. He should’ve been over all that at this point.

I feel so depressed. I don’t know what to do. I feel like nothing is worthwhile anymore. I tried to put a profile up on pof.com, but I couldn’t even stop crying long enough to come up with a user name. I feel like I’m cheating on him by putting up a profile there. How stupid! I KNOW it’s stupid, but why do I still have feelings for him? I still love him. Why did I buy that stupid Jetta and change my hair to impress him? He didn’t do anything like that for me :( I wish I was a stronger person. But most of all I wish I had Ferdi back. I’m so so so dumbbbbbb.

No More Ferdi

So, I finally just asked Ferdi what was going on yesterday via text message and he told me he was still not over his ex so we shouldnt go out anymore. :'( I know we’ve only been going out maybe a month and a half, but I’m so brokenhearted. Things went really quickly with us. We exchanged “I love you’s” within that short time period and he was talking about the future with me a lot like moving in with me later on and birthdays that were coming up in a few months and Christmas, vacations, etc. etc. He was so sweet to me, so unlike any other guy I had been with. He worked so hard to help me get my Jetta fixed and running and would come all the way down from Baltimore on his days off just to spend my hour lunch with me during the week. Last week he even brought me a flower. One time he came all the way down from Bmore at like 2AM after he got off work just to leave a note on my car windshield. But, I guess all of this was to try to make up for not being good enough for his ex wife :'( Right now I feel like I’d give anything to get him to love me again. I don’t know why… I just loved how he made me feel when I thought that he loved me. It’s really the best feeling ever. Now I don’t know what to do anymore.

I went out with Ian from auto-x last night. It was actually kind of odd. Ferdi breaks up with me then an hour later Ian asks me out. I thought it was a sign or fate or something. But, the date didnt go very well. He picked me up at my place and we went to a bar. Had some dinner and drinks and had some fun conversation then he took me home. He gave me a hug and a pretty platonic kiss on the cheek then started to leave. I went inside my apartment and did what I usually do, take the dog out. But when I come out, Ian’s still there just pulling his car out. He sees me and my dog and pulls back in. He plays with my dog a little bit then goes in for a totally un-platonic kiss lol. Then he starts feeling me up EVERYWHERE. Almost all at once. Before I realized what was going on he had already grabbed my ass, boobs and was rubbing my crotch. Then he started trying to lift my shirt up so I stopped him at that point. I feel even more sad about my whole love life situation now. I thought maybe Ian was actually interested in me, but he’s obviously not interested in me as a person. Only as a fuck buddy.

There’s been a lot of firsts for me these past few months lol. I’ve been someone’s rebound and now someone’s (attempted) fuck buddy. Wtf? Where are all the decent guys?

Crazy Dream Last Night

Had a crazy dream last night, but I can hardly remember any of it. I just remember it being dark and I felt very far away, and possibly it was in black and white. I think I was holding something in my hands and some invisible force was lifting me up by my legs and dragging me around. I looked down at my legs and saw nothing there. It really scared me so much that I forced myself awake and had to turn a light on haha.

Ferdi hasn’t attempted to contact me at all today which is really unlike him. If he doesn’t contact me by tomorrow after work, I think I’ll call him to see what’s going on. I have a feeling something major has happened to him or he’s just not interested in me anymore :( I’m feeling that it’s the latter. Very sad :'(