Note to Alain If I Had the Guts to Send It

Dear Alain,

I know it’s been several years since we’ve spoken or even seen each other and it’s probably quite weird to hear from me all of a sudden like this. But, I think it may help to relieve some of the pent up feelings I have. I know you’ve long since moved on and probably are in a relationship with someone else, but even after all this time I still have feelings for you. I still dream of you and think about you several times a day. I feel that we should still be together right now – living together, expecting to marry one day. I should be helping tie your tie in the morning while kissing your neck as we both prepare to go to work. I should be able to look into your eyes whenever I want and call you at work whenever I miss you during the day. You should still be writing me songs and poems and always making me feel loved. Even though I’ve been in several relationships since you, I’ve never felt as loved as I did with you. I’ve never been that close to someone or felt so understood by someone. Did you know that even up until the day you left me, I still got butterflies in my stomach every time I saw you even from across a crowded room? I was always so proud to be your girlfriend and you made me want to be the best girlfriend on earth. For the short time we were together, all the love songs on the radio made sense and made me so happy! I still can’t even listen to them without thinking of what I lost and ruining a perfectly good day. Some days, it feels like you just dumped me yesterday and the pain feels so fresh and acute – it’s debilitating.

I also wanted to let you know that after you dumped me, I was devastated! I cried everyday for at least a year. I’d have to step out of class and run to the bathroom to sob and cry because I couldn’t even control it. I was a zombie – red eyes, pale skin, expressionless, couldn’t even hold down a conversation. I was severely depressed for nearly 3 years. I saw a few therapists and took a variety of anti-depressant medicines, but none of it really helped. Everyday I hoped for someone to kill me – run me over in a car, shoot me, whatever. I didn’t care how. I would have fantasies all the time about how I could kill myself and end the pain. Those thoughts were the only thing that gave me comfort – knowing I could end it somehow, someway. I wandered around campus almost every night hoping I might catch a glimpse of you. I think once or twice I did see you and you still made my heart stop and palms sweat. Even after you broke up with me I still felt close and connected to you somehow. When we saw each other that one day at the job fair and had a 10 second conversation before you said it was too weird and had to leave – I actually felt so happy for those 10 seconds. I felt comfortable and like everything was right in the world again. After you dumped me, I gave up on people and had no interest in maintaining friendships so I lost most of them. Now, I am mostly out of the depression woods, but every so often it comes back for a day or two and usually my thoughts drift to you.

Do you remember that museum we went to on Long Island with those big fields in the back that overlooked the water? I saw that place and *knew* we would get married there. Of course, that won’t happen now, but I still think of that place often. The times I was with you were the happiest of my life and I’d give up anything and everything I have now to get that back. When I said I’d love you forever, whether or not I intended it, it was so true.

I seem to miss you the most around Valentine’s day. This was the most important time of the year when we were together – your birthday, our anniversary and Valentines all together.

Well, I guess that’s all I have to say right now.

Love,
Me

Dream

This morning (between alarm clock rings haha) I dreamed that I was in a bar with Toshi. He was to my left while a few people from auto-x were on my right and on the other side of the bar. I was having a good time talking with the auto-x people, but Toshi was getting very drunk and was almost asleep at the bar and he was starting to say stupid things. Finally, the night was over and I was in the car waiting for him and he stumbled out of the bar and could barely walk. I was so embarrassed.

Mom

Last night I dreamed that I was in my old house in Pgh and I had been talking to my mom and two other girls about something. Then they all went upstairs and left me downstairs alone. I called up to them to talk more about whatever it was we had been talking about but instead my dad and my uncle looked down at me from the top of the stairs. My dad said “what??” (because he couldn’t hear me) and I repeated myself and he again said “what??”. Finally, I yelled to my dad and my uncle that I wasn’t even talking to them and I told them to go get the girls I was talking to. They didn’t so I went upstairs and I saw my aunt sitting in my old room and she snapped at me saying not to call her a 15 year old girl when she was a full grown woman. I snapped back and said that I never called her a 15 year old anything. And I was using the term “girl” to refer to some females that were younger than she was. We snapped back and forth at each other and that was the end of the dream.

Anyway, about my mom. I just got an email from her here at work and she said that her oncologist found a few lumps around her surgical scar and they did a biopsy and are awaiting the results now. I am really disappointed to hear this, but not really surprised since from the way things have gone with her cancer in the past, it just seems like it keeps coming back and coming back. I am a bit surprised that it came back so quickly though. I am still hoping that the biopsy results are negative, but I have the feeling that they won’t be :(

Dream

I had a dream that I was on a crowded school bus on the side of a highway. We were traveling with another school bus in front of us which was also crowded with people. We pulled over to the side of the road and I looked up into the sky and saw planes. The Military was testing laser guns nearby. Next thing I know a laser gun slices the bus that I’m in right in half, right through the seat in front of me. I run out of the bus along with other ppl and stand back and watch the lasers get the bus in front of us. I try to take pictures of all this on my cell phone, but I wake up before I get to actually do this.

Dream

I dreamed that I was with Alain again. We were pretending to be possessed to get on each others nerves (he started it!). We were in bed together and I pretended to be possessed in my sleep and he got really upset. We had an argument (I think) and next thing I know he is apologizing. I remember him saying “but I really like it” but I’m not sure what he was referring to. In this dream he was wearing glasses and looked a little different. Also, at some point in this dream I was alone in a bathroom in an office that begin flooding. The water was up to my knees and even though I opened the door to the bathroom it wouldn’t drain out.

Dream This Morning

I remember that I was with Alain again (as in, in a relationship) and for some reason we were pretending to be possessed to anger each other. I believe he started it, but when I did it back to him he got more upset. Finally we stopped and were sleeping. I realized that he was awake but thought I was still asleep when I was actually awake so I began to pretend to be possessed in my sleep and it upset him again. Next thing I know he’s apologizing to me (still in bed) for the whole thing and the only words I remember him saying were “and I really like it”. I think he was referring to how I love him or something of that effect. In the dream he wore glasses and looked like a different guy but I still knew him as Alain.

Also, at some point in this dream I had an unrelated incident. I was in a bathroom cleaning myself up when I noticed that the bathroom was flooded nearly up to my knees. I open the door to let the water out and saw that I was in an office. I also noticed that even with the door open, the water wouldn’t drain out of the bathroom. It just kind of stayed there, suspended.

Dreams from Last Night

I had two dreams last night:

1. Mario S u l e y, a classmate from high school, was one of my coworkers. I believe I was in a room with him and several other of my coworkers when he said something very sexist – I don’t remember what exactly he was saying though. I was very upset by this and began arguing with him about it. I remember asking all the women in the room if they had done something and almost all of them raised their hands. This sort of shut Mario up as it proved whatever it was that he said wrong.

2. This dream was pretty confusing. Something happened in the beginning that I don’t remember, but then I “woke up”. I didn’t actually wake up in real life, but in my dream I thought I was awake and I was in bed. So, I’m in bed and I look at the foot of my bed and my family is there but they’re not anyone I recognize in my everyday life, they’re just a group of about 7 or 8 shadows. But, when I looked at them I just knew they were my “family”. Anyway, they all look at me at once and have glowing white eyes and I stare at them and sort of “hypnotize” myself and try to levitate. My whole body is buzzing and I feel something start to happen so I kind of get scared and wake myself up again. I’m not really awake though lol. I get out of bed and look at the bed and it’s partially collapsed. I was certain that I did this when I levitated and dropped back down. I corrected the leg of the bed by extending it and then Toshi comes into the room. I begin getting ready for work and I tell him about it. Then I actually wake up. End of dream :)

Dream

I was in Japan working at an office building. I guess I was outside taking my lunch break. While outside, my coworker and I noticed cars falling off a small bridge onto the road below. The cars kept falling and falling like they were being pushed. I said out-loud that I felt bad for all those people. After a few seconds though the scene turned into panic for some reason I didn’t really understand. People were running back into the office building. So, I ran too. In the office building on the top floor we all looked out to see a giant wave of people coming right for our building. For some reason I knew they were Chinese. They reached my building and some of them ran into the building trying to knock it over. Up on the top floor we could only feel a slight vibration. After a while they quit. Some of the men are suiting up with guns and talking with each other. Later on fro some reason I venture outside. People are running around and it’s chaos. I run down a tight street barely big enough for two people to walk next to each other with stores on both sides. At this point the city looks more like an American city. Some of the stores are Christmas stores and the people inside look American. I walked into a high-class jewelry/knick-knack/Christmas store and a few people were working there.