I am at Toshi’s parent’s place and we were sleeping in bed. I was not asleep yet and heard two knocks behind me. For some reason, I got the feeling that it was my grandparents but nothing more happened. I tried to remain open to any situation that might happen, but nothing came. I really wish they would try to contact me.
I had been begging the gods to give me some meaningful dreams for about a week and I finally had some dreams last night. I don’t know how meaningful they are.. but here ya go:
First dream, all I remember is that I was going out on a date with a very handsome guy and I was having a great time. He was very funny and happy and seemed to be having a great time. Then, in the back of my mind, I thought to myself that it was odd that he had never complimented me on anything – my personality, intelligence or my looks. So, I started to question why the heck he was going out with me.
Second dream: I seemed to be in a school setting, in a cafeteria. Some Indian guy asked me to sit with him at his table so I did and invited my friend Rebecca M. with me. We all chatted and he seemed very nice.
I can’t seem to find any deeper meaning in either of these dreams except that there will be other guys I will meet in my lifetime.
I’ve been reading this book: “Only Love is Real” by Brian L. Weiss. It’s about soulmates and how they always show up in your lives. I don’t think Toshi is one of my soulmates but I already knew that before reading this book. I think Alain might have been. He was the only person I’ve known that I’ve felt that kind of intense love for. But, it could just be because I was so young when we fell in love. The book said that you don’t ever have to worry about finding your soulmates; they will find you. That’s kind of what happened with Alain and I. I wasn’t looking for anyone, he just kind of dropped into my lap. Since we broke up, I have been searching for love but unable to really find it. Maybe I should stop searching.
I went through some of the emails that I saved from Alain. Amazingly it didn’t make me cry this time. In fact, I smiled. The emails we sent were silly and playful and so young and innocent. I’ve always insisted that it is not better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before. But, maybe I will eventually see things differently. I’m glad I saved all of his emails.
I guess I’ll delve into the “other things” part first… I don’t know why, but I’ve been missing my grandparents SO much recently. It’s like almost everyday I think about them and miss them terribly and end up having a good cry about it. It seems like I hadn’t thought about them in a while and then all of a sudden it was like BOOM.. oh yeah, they’re dead and really truly gone forever. I think I might have spent the last 5 years so wrapped up in missing Alain that I didn’t properly mourn the death of my grandparents.
I’m so glad I have pictures of them that I can look at right now. It’s so nice to see their faces again and see their smiles. I have this picture that was taken of the two of them at grandma’s nursing home and grandpa’s looking at grandma and you can just see the love for her in his eyes and face. I’m so glad that they loved each other so much for all those 50+ years and that I was able to see that. Because honestly, my parent’s marriage doesn’t seem as solid. Not that I ever think they’d divorce, but I never heard my grandparents talk bad about each other or down to each other and I often heard my parents fight and talk down to each other. So, I’m just glad that I was exposed to a good, positive marriage.
And on to this past weekend… We got about a foot and a half of snow starting Friday evening. Toshi was called in to do plow work and had to stay the whole weekend until Sunday night plowing because he couldn’t drive home in all the snow. So, I spent the weekend holed up in the apartment with the dog watching movies and reading. It wasn’t too bad, but I was starting to get depressed and watching all those movies gets you thinking about different things and seeing how other people’s lives are and wondering why yours isn’t as awesome. It got me thinking (yet again) about my relationship with Toshi – wondering if we are going to work out. We’ve been going out for nearly 3 years and we live together, but it hasn’t been GREAT since we moved in together about 2 and 1/2 years ago. I’m almost positive that our relationship is like this because we moved in together too soon. We lost the passion for each other and I feel like we’re bored with each other. We’ve had talks about it about 4 times since we moved in most of them initiated by Toshi. Honestly, I didn’t know anything was wrong until Toshi brought it up the first time and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. It’s always back there… I’m thinking that he’s not in love with me or he’s eventually going to leave me… so I’m automatically, unconsciously putting up walls and defenses. Backing off from him and not being my usual in-love self. Anyway, I was thinking like that all weekend but then he came home on Sunday night and was so happy to see me and loving and hugging and kissing so it made me feel better. I just wish we could be like that all the time.
As I was searching for the entry from the day my grandma died, I read some of my other entries. A few things I noticed:
1. I sounded so immature on many of those entries. Even though I was in college, I feel like I sounded like I was in high school or middle school even.
2. I sabotaged myself socially so many times. I’ve always felt like I never had any friends, when the opportunity to make or keep friends has come and gone so many times. I just didn’t see it then. I read one entry where someone who was beginning to be my friend (Josh, the kid who drove me back to Pgh sometimes from college) asked me to hang out instead of just driving home together like usual. And I didn’t call him back. He never called me to hang out again. Missed opportunity. Now, I don’t even remember or know how to spell his last name and I wouldn’t even be able to find him on Facebook. Another opportunity lost could have been Joe (PSMK). Reflecting back on it, he seemed kind of interested in becoming my friend or possibly more. He asked me to study with him a few times and almost always initiated the online chats we had. In my own defense, most of the time we were talking I was either in a relationship with Alain that was going downhill or going through depression because of the breakup. But, if I had just realized what I was doing, I could’ve acted different, done things differently. Another major missed friendship that I don’t know if I ever wrote about was a girl I met while on co-op in NJ. I can’t remember her name right now, but I remember sitting outside the office by myself eating lunch and reading a book and she came over and sat down with me. We chatted a bit and she asked if I wanted to hang out again because I seemed really cool. We hung out a few times, but when the end of the co-op came and I split without letting anyone know I felt too awkward contacting her again knowing that I had lied to everyone. I also wonder if I should contact Tian again. I haven’t spoken to her since graduation.. mostly because I remember her telling me that we would probably never see each other again which I thought was weird considering that when your friend is leaving you normally try to tell them that you want to keep in touch. She just made it sound like she didn’t want to talk again. Also, during the last year of our friendship, even though we lived together, we hardly spoke and didn’t hang out. She was always with her boyfriend and they hardly ever left her bedroom. Except to go hang out with their karate friends I also kind of wish I didn’t stop doing karate. It kept me in shape, made me feel better, and I might have made a few friends. I guess I have always been kind of jealous that as soon as I left karate, Tian all of a sudden started making friends with everyone else in the club and became so popular. She was always going to parties and having a great time while I was home alone in my room. Again, my own fault. Missed opportunity.
Last night, my mom called me and told me that my great aunt Bea died. She is my grandmother’s twin sister. I didn’t know her very well as I only met her a few times, but the interesting thing that my mom pointed out was that she thinks that five years ago on that same date my grandmother died. I want to check my diary entries and my other files to see if this is the case, but if it is that is so weird. Born on the same date and died on the same date, five years apart.
Ok, so I just checked my diary entries and yes, my grandma DID die on the 19th of December 2004. That’s so crazy…
I’m laying on the couch trying to sleep and somehow the thought of my grandparents pops into my head. I’m missing them so much tonight it’s almost unbearable. It’s been over five years since grandma died and over four years since grandpa died but sometimes, on days like today, it feels like it was just yesterday. I wish I had had more time with them and had committed more of their stories to memory. I feel frustrated that I can’t call them up whenever i want and frustrated that praying doesn’t elicit any response. If we have souls and we never truly die then why can’t the living communicate with the dead? It doesnt sound like a bad thing if both parties want the communication. I just miss them so much and want so badly to have another conversation with them. They had so much knowledge, experience, and love to give but I was too young and immature to know this. I want to just scream in frustration that I can never talk to my grandma again or see her sweet, kind face again. I want to scream in frustration that I can never talk to my grandpa again and make peace with him despite our religious differences. I want a time machine to take me back in time for one day while I was young and they were babysitting me. I would cherish that day.. and not let grandpa take any naps! haha