On Wednesday I found out a bit more about mom’s cancer and proposed treatment. They said the cancer is in stage 2 which means that it’s spread to her lymph nodes and the proposed treatment is radiation and chemo. But before all that they’re going to give her all kinds of CAT and PET scans to make sure there’s no more cancer anywhere else in her body. And after those, they’re going to insert some kind of tube in her chest that will allow them to take blood easily. Mom said she was pretty depressed after hearing all that, and that’s understandable. I just hope she gets over that and is able to be positive and believe that she’s going to beat it. I kind of worry about her, in the back of my mind, because she’s the kind of person that just throws up her hands in defeat when something comes along. I’m kind of the same way, but if it’s important, I’ll really fight for it. I don’t know if my mom has that part too. If I’m in a store and someone cuts in line in front of me, I’ll tell them about it. But my mom, and this has happened before, just rolls her eyes and doesn’t say anything. Then again, I remember one time when I was a kid, we were driving somewhere and she had a little accident. She and the other guy pulled over to the side of the road and both got out. There was hardly any damage done to any car, but she and the other guy were yelling at each other. I couldn’t hear anything inside the car, but I could see her yelling and getting upset. So, maybe she does have it in her
Dad called me two days ago on Wednesday to tell me that mom had to have a mastectomy. She went in on Wednesday to have a biopsy of a suspicious lump in her breast and they found cancer. Since this was the second time they found cancer in that same breast, the doctor decided the best option was to have a mastectomy. It was really shocking to hear that since when mom emailed me on Monday about having to go in for a biopsy, she didn’t sound at all concerned.
So, I’m now back home in Pittsburgh to be with my parents. Mom seems pretty normal, almost like nothing major happened. Which is hard to believe because I know I would be really upset and traumatized if it was me. I’m traumatized for her. I wonder if there’s other thoughts running through her head that she’s not sharing.
As I’m writing this I’m back in my old room and feeling more and more depressed. I think because the room still reminds me of Alain and it’s not so much that I miss HIM, but I do miss how happy and complete I felt with him. Nothing else since him has really compared. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack when I realize I probably will never find another true love like that again. It’s more than 3 years after the breakup and I’ve moved on, but I can still look back on it and say that it was definitely real and definitely strong, true love. For a while there I had the perfect guy for me, the pieces of the puzzle just fit together perfectly. For a while I had what I always wanted and always will want.
What is happening to my mother shouldn’t be happening. Her life hasn’t been blessed with riches and happiness. She’s been a secretary for most of her life and was never able to proceed farther than that because of a lack of a college education. She’s always been regretful about that. She’s been in a marriage she’s not happy in for who knows exactly how long, she’s been poor since the day she was born and will retire the same way. The majority of her family abandoned her and the only family she had was my father’s family who is slowly dying off. At least she has some great friends now that she really enjoys being with. I hope that makes up for everything else she never had. I know she’s really disappointed that she’ll never have a nice house. She told me this with tears in her eyes one night on the phone. She was talking about how soon retirement will be for her and how they’ll probably have to sell the house and move into some cheap retirement apartment. It makes me sad for her… and fearful that it may happen to me…