Angry for some reason. I keep going over and over in my mind all the wrongs people have done to me and it makes me angrier and angrier. I went walking about an hour ago, and during my walk I decided that I should be an asshole to everyone. I feel like no one treats me like I’m worth anything so why should I bother trying to be nice to anyone?
So I’m back home in Pittsburgh. I’ve been home for over 2 weeks. The L’Oreal departure didn’t go very smoothly and I think I lost Amanda as a friend because of it. And that’s the worst part. I don’t care so much about whatever bad rumors might be going around about me or how much my bosses dislike me now. I miss having a good friend like Amanda. I have her screenname but she never ever comes online. I feel stupid texting her now. I tried to explain what happened, but both times I tried to send the text it didn’t reach her. So I feel weird now. I dunno what to do.
Outside of that, being back in Pittsburgh has been a depressing experience. I feel soooo lonely and numb. I’ve been thinking about Alain a little more than usual too. I want to talk to a psychologist about my feelings again, but I don’t have enough money for the co-pays. And I don’t want to be on these pills anymore because I don’t feel like they really help. They make me numb and that’s all. I’m kind of afraid to stop them though, for fear that without them I’ll get all depressed again. I’m not even sure why I’m depressed anymore. I just feel hopeless and uninterested in life. How could talking about that with a psychologist help? I don’t know.. Seems like all they would do is prescribe meds, but I’ve already had them. I don’t feel depressed when things are going well and I feel accepted like at Concurrent. I get really depressed when I feel unnoticed and unloved. And why do I feel like that now? I’m not sure.
So, last week my roommate Ciara went to Puerto Rico for her internship. The night she got back, she ended up waking me up at 11 at night because she was talking on her phone. She continued talking on her cell phone (when the living room was a viable alternative) for another half hour or so. I could not fall asleep again during this time even when I had earplugs in, so I attempted to make my annoyance known by rolling around in my bed and just making as much noise as I could. I mean I didn’t want to cause a fight by directly asking her to leave the room and besides, I was too pissed off to even be able to ask her to leave nicely lol. And then, ever since that day she hasn’t spoken to me. That was about last Wednesday. This past Sunday, my boyfriend and I went back to my apartment and she was there earlier than expected and we thought she was asleep so we left the room and talked outside. She came out a minute later and I said “hi” and smiled and she gave me this evil look and said “I’m going back in there, so…”. So, I don’t know what her problem is, but if what I did in response to her waking me up in the middle of the night with her phone call upset her, then she’s really petty. If it’s something else, I have no idea what it could possibly be.
And to top it all off, Mike’s mom barely talks to me either. Mike keeps saying it’s because she doesn’t like him and she wants him to be miserable, but it’s hard to believe that sometimes. I stayed overnight at his place on Sunday to avoid being in the same room as Ciara and the next day she called him up telling him to make sure that my stuff was going to be taken out of the house. I just feel so unwelcome everywhere right now. I know my boyfriend loves having me around and Amanda seems to like my company, but I feel like I don’t have anywhere to LIVE. I didn’t even go back to the apartment last night. I slept in my car a little bit and then in the study lounge on the 5th floor. I feel like a homeless person. I can’t wait to leave here. I have nothing against this state or anything, but my experience here has just been horrible. I feel like anything that could have gone wrong did. All I need now is to have my car breakdown the day I move out.
There’s something pure evil about L’Oreal and the people that work there. I’m sure Amanda would agree with me. She told me last week that people there (at L’Oreal) are fake and gossipy. I haven’t quite had the same experience, but I would agree that the people are kinda fake. I would also say that they are rude and some have such low self esteem that they feel the need to put other people’s work down (Ihab) or treat someone rudely even after they were always very nice to you. I helped Ciara move her shit into the apartment. I helped her carry all her heavy shit into her car. I’ve never had a roommate do that for me in all of the roommates I’ve had. I was always nice to her too, I asked her about her day and tried to have conversations with her. I guess that’s why I feel so rejected and upset about this. I feel like I was nice to her and I was a good roommate and then for some stupid little reason I’m a bad person now. I don’t understand it and if I had had the same thing done to me I would not be this upset. I would have forgotten all about it the next morning. It’s not like I said “HEY BITCH GET OFF THE PHONE!!!” (although I really really really wanted to). I didn’t even say anything. Wtf? What’s her beef??
Am I really so unlikeable? She’s not the first roommate I’ve had that ended up not liking me. I do my best to “live and let live” ya know? Kimberly, for example, I completely left her alone except when we’d run into each other in the house and then we’d have friendly conversation. It’s not that I didn’t want to be friends, it’s just that our values were so different and that she was so much older than I was that I didn’t feel like a friendship would actually be a friendship. It would’ve been more like a mentorship and I was not interested in “finding God” which was all she would’ve had to offer as a mentor. She also found it somehow horrible that I sometimes had my boyfriend in my room (which he rarely left) and sometimes overnight in my room. I realize that having a male overnight guest is against her religious beliefs, but he was in my room and her beliefs are not mine. Why should my boyfriend and I have to tippy-toe around her beliefs? And she was not the owner of the house. The owner of the house actually told me that I could do whatever I wanted and that Kimberly’s rules were not hers and that she would not kick me out or find any problem with me violating Kimberlys rules.
Oh well, I feel better for getting all that out of my system.