This was a crappy day. I just spent the last 4 or so hours crying in my room. First, I saw Alain on my way to class. We walked right past each other but he didnt acknowledge me at all. Then when I got back to my room I started talking to Tom about it all cuz he’s the one I always go to when I’m missing Alain and stuff. But, he told me its not normal for me to still be so upset about him. And also told me that he’s not letting himself get attached to me because I might move away someday. Which really sucks cuz I really like him and I’m already attached to him and needing him… I don’t have anyone else to talk to when I’m depressed. I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore if he wasn’t going to let us maybe get serious but I eventually backed down cuz I need some happiness in my life.. something to look forward to. And someone to talk to. But I still feel like garbage. Guys never like me once they get to know me. I just want to be loved so much. I want to be important to someone.
I’m feeling so weird this weekend. Like totally numb. I can’t even hold a conversation with someone. I just can’t think. I miss Alain a lot. I feel so hopeless… Therapy won’t work, the medication obviously isnt working and talking about how I feel to someone (Tom) doesn’t work that great anymore either. I feel so horribly numb. I just want all this to end. I’m sick of being such an emotional basketcase and being depressed all the time. This isn’t living.. Maybe Ive already died and gone to hell but I don’t realize it yet and think I’m still living.. I wish I had enough guts to just kill myself. There’s really no reason for me to continue living. This depression is out of control and it’s driving me insane. It’s taken my life away. I really really wish I had enough guts to do something about it. I was rubbing one of Tom’s knives up and down the inside of my arm a few mins ago. But, I couldnt get myself to just drive it in.. I was afraid of the pain. But how can I go on living like this?? I don’t knwo what else to do. Nothing seems to help and the more I realize this the more depressed I get. It’s a never ending cycle. I can’t even think of something that might help. I wish I was never born in the first place. This is too fucking much.
So, I’m 21 now (thanks for wishing me a happy birthday, hasher :). Tom’s been asleep pretty much all day. And his friend Brian has been over since 1pm. Today has completely sucked. This is like something Alain would’ve done only worse. I’m totally bummed right now. I miss Alain, but I don’t know what exactly it is that I’m missing. I got really frustrated and upset earlier tonight after Tom made a wise crack about buying food for me (like I don’t do anything for him!). I ended up going into his room alone and crying a little. I guess I just felt disappointed that I came back to Pittsburgh to be with him for my birthday but he’s just sleeping all the time and his friend is over (fucking chain smoking) so we’ve hardly been alone at all. I dunno what else to say… just disappointed..
Yeah, it’s my 21st b-day in like 1 and 1/2 hours. I’m at Tom’s right now. I thought it would be nice to spend my birthday weekend with him but I’m thinking it was a mistake. It’s not turning out so hot… Well, I don’t want to let him see this so maybe i’ll write about it later.
It’s such a nice day today, but all I can think about is my baby, my Alum, who is gone from this earth never to return. No, he’s not dead, he’s just someone else now. I miss that boy I fell in love with so much today. My life feels so incomplete and half-ass without him in it. Why am i still such a mess about this? I want to kill myself equally as much as I want him back now. Mostly because I know that even if I had Alain back, he wouldnt be the guy I love. It wouldn’t be the same. I’d have Alain, but not Alum. I’m seriously running out of motivation to continue living. So far, the eternal consequences have been my main reason not to do it, but the pain is getting to be too much anymore. I’m losing it. I can’t deal with this and I want it to end so much. I can’t keep up with life and school and other responsibilities anymore. I have so much work to do but I don’t feel like even getting up from this chair. I just seriously seriously want to die. I want to be free from this agony and that won’t happen in this life. I need you so much Alain… why’d you leave me in such a mess like this? I honestly believe I”ll never be happy again, assuming I was ever happy.
This weekend was one of extremes… that’s all I can say lol.
Saturday was the extremely good day. I had the GT4 tournament for SAE. I told Alfonso that I’d be there around 10 or 11AM, but I ended up getting there after noon 😀 Oops! lol. I’m an ass. But, anyway.. the tournament was kinda fun. It lasted until 6:30pm. We had some trouble with the network at first, but we finally got it started and everyone enjoyed themselves it seems. Alfonso got 2nd place actually. At the tournament, I met a really nice (and actually very cute) guy named Josh He didn’t do very well in the tournament, but who cares? It’s just a video game lol. We exchanged screennames and we’ve chatted online twice since the tournament. Then, after the tournament on Saturday, I came home to see that I had a voicemail from Josh (not the one I just met, the one from McK) wanting to hang out cuz now we’re “weekend buddies” lol. I didn’t really feel like going out though so I didn’t call back and I’m going to tell him either today or tomorrow that my phone was dead so that’s why I didnt’ call him back. Which is basically the truth… I’ll hang out with him next weekend.. hopefully he’ll still want to.
But, Sunday was the extremely bad day. I missed Alain like crazy and cried for a long time. Tom couldnt even handle me lol. Even after I went to bed, I couldn’t help buy cry and cry. Sometimes I just don’t know how I can live without Alain now. Life seems so pointless without him. And I never feel better overall. I’ll have good days, but on any given day if I just sit down adn think about it, I can find myself back in deep depression. I feel like I’m just spinning around in circles not getting anywhere.