The Week So Far

Well, the stat test the other day wasn’t as difficult as I had anticipated. I think I did pretty good :) Definitely not an A or B, but probably a C or so. Which was better than I was expecting to get since I didn’t study at all until the night before and the day of the test. I had a slide ID quiz on Tuesday too, but I asked the teacher if I could take a make-up quiz. I made up some story about not being able to get back to SC in time cuz my ride fell through lol. It worked I think…. Hopefully, he doesn’t expect me to be ready to take the quiz tomorrow…

I have a phone interview with Honeywell tomorrow morning. I’m kinda nervous, but hopefully I’ll do good since I’ll be able to have some notes in front of me and I won’t have to dress up or anything.

I have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow morning. I don’t really know what I’m going to talk about with her. I kind of want to quit seeing her because I feel like it’s completely pointless and I’m not getting any help from it. All I do is sit there and talk about myself for an hour and then she says “well our time’s up. See you next week ok?” I don’t know how it’s supposed to help. So, yeah, I’m debating whether or not I should tell her I want to cancel our sessions.

Today was sort of a bad day. I was doing fine until after Astro when I caught a whiff of some guy’s cologne that smelled like Alain. I hadn’t smelled that smell since I smelled it on Alain whenever the heck the last time that was so I automatically thought of him. It was weird, a picture of him in those blue track pants he had and those grey Reebok sneakers popped into my head when I smelled it. So, after that, I really really missed him. I wanted to hug and touch him so bad I could physically feel it. I can’t describe that wanting feeling I felt any other way than that… When I got back from class I cried for about an hour. I miss him so so much. I especially miss being loved and needed by him… :'( I wish something would help this or take the pain away. It’s been 7 and 1/2 months. Why won’t the pain go away? When am I ever going to accept the fact that he’s gone and never coming back and when am I going to stop wanting him back so bad? I hate to say it, but I’d still give up anything or do nearly anything to get him back. I want him to love me again so much. I’m just in agony sometimes. I’m on 20 mg of Lexapro and I don’t think it’s helping that much. I guess it was silly of me to think that pills could make me stop loving him. Nothing can make me stop loving him. I don’t know how to do that. I’m fucked.

Blah

I’m at work right now sort of studying for my stat test which is later today. I spent Easter weekend (and Good Friday) with Tommy. It was really nice. I had a good time and I feel more comfortable with him now. But, now that I’m back at school, I miss Alain like crazy. It’s been over 7 months, coming up on 8 months. Why am I counting the months anymore? I’m still taking Lexapro. Doesn’t seem to be helping too much lately. I miss him so much. I like Tommy, but he’s not Alain. Not even close. I feel so hopeless. I just want to be with Alain again and have fun with him.

Well, gotta keep working and studying so I can fail this stat test with flying colors lol.

Dream This Morning

School must be getting to me. This morning I dreamt that I got a 3/10 on my stat test which translates to about a 30% and I needed to drop the course. I had a lot of friends in that class so when they would come up to me to talk about the test and how bad they did, I’d tell them my score and they’d all so surprised. I was so upset, I felt like crying :( I just hope that doesn’t happen in real life next week….

Update

It’s been a stressing week and I’m glad it’s Saturday. Tom and I havent talked much throughout the week except last night and today and the more we talk, the more disappointed I get… I really miss Alain and how he treated me and how we talked to each other and everythign else. I keep remembering all the stuff we did together and it kills me. Like walking around all day trying to find CD Music Arcade and stopping at Taco Bell… he always loved Taco Bell… :-/ And just being in his car with him while he’s driving around… I feel like I’m never going to get over him and I’m never going to find anyone that will treat me like he did and give me what I want… Life sucks.

Side note: might be going home next weekend for easter, but will be staying at Tommy’s house if I go. I just miss him and want to make out and stuff 😉

Wow

Been a while since I wrote in here huh? Well, it’s the last day of my spring break here at home. I’m leaving for SC tomorrow evening. I met Tom in person last Sunday. And, surprisingly, he’s pretty cool. We hung out every day since last Sunday and I spent the night with him last night. He’s a lot cuter than he was in his pics so I’m really happy about that :) But, he smokes weed every single fucking day. I was under the impression that he did it once every so often, but, no, it’s every day…. But, nonetheless, I really really like being with him. He’s pretty nice to me and I’m attracted to him and he’s attracted to me. The kissing isn’t bad and I got to 3rd base 😉 (He only got to 2nd with me lol 😛 I’m still holding back… Guess I don’t feel comfortable enough with him to go further than that..) I’m sad that I won’t see him again till May.. :(:(:( I really like him, like I said, but I hope I don’t start falling in love with him. Even though I think I’m on my way to doing so… We’re just not a good match. He’s 9 yrs older than me, has no college education and isn’t getting paid all that well in the job he has now and his job has no future. I also don’t like the way he dresses and I don’t like his tastes in music. And he probably feels the same way about how I dress and what I listen to lol. There’s a lot of things about him that I already wish I could change, but I know that’s not right and it’s not possible. So, even though we both like each other a lot, I need to accept the fact that there’s no future here. So disappointing :( I’m so attracted to him though. Arggh.