This Past Week

Thanks for your concern, hasher. Sorry to worry you :-/

Well, this week is almost over. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, except for Valentine’s Day.. which was a lot worse than I thought it would be lol. Yesterday was his birthday but it really wasn’t that big of a deal to me. Got up early to go to work adn then came back to my room and slept till about 4 something then just screwed around till 9 when Konrad called me adn we went to see National Treasure. Konrad has the most annoying, smug, cocky personality. Here, let me give you an impression of a “conversation” with Konrad:

Konrad: “I did this, this, and this today” *smug smile, stares at me, waiting for my reaction*
Me: “oh” *looks around the room*
Konrad: “Yeah and…” *proceeds to go into even more detail about his day… followed by the smug smile and waiting for reaction from me*
Me: “hmmm” *nods, looks around the room*
Konrad: “…. so how was your day?”
Me: “eh.. it was ok”
Konrad: “aww it wasn’t great?? poor jenny” *wraps arm around my shoulder and gives hug*
Me: “uh heh ok” *disgusted look on face… wants to scream “DONT TOUCH ME!!!”

Urgh…

Spring break is in two weeks so I’m already thinking about going home. I’m excited to see my parents and cats again but there’s so much shit at home and around town that reminds me of Alain that it almost ruins the experience. I miss Alain a lot today and I’m thinking about all the things we did together. I know I say this all the time, but I really can’t believe its over… :'(

But, on the plus side, Tom and I are getting closer really quickly. We both had rough Valentine’s Days, especially me, and so we helped each other get through that day and it turned out really cool. By the time I went to bed on Monday I was all smiles. And the rest of the week was just more of the same. He’s really attracted to me and compliments me like crazy in every possible way. I love that :) So of course I cant help but be attracted to him too. He makes me feel really good, but whether or not anything serious will come out of this, I don’t know. I really dont think so because he’s 29 and…well… just not the kind of guy I’d want to spend the rest of my life with. But, I wouldn’t mind being with him for the time being. I’m sure we could have a lot of fun :)

“Happy” Valentines Day

:'( Today sucks. And I even saw Alain today walking to class. He didn’t see me though and I didn’t shout after him. I wonder how many times he’s seen me but didnt say anything… I feel like absolute shit. No valentines or anything. I know my mom mailed me something, but it didn’t get here today.. I wish it would have. Four years ago today I was getting ready to meet Alain for the first time :(:(:(:( I wonder if he’s thinking about me today and missing me as much as I miss him. I guess I was hoping he’d send me a valentine today. Haaa that was stupid of me wasn’t it? I wish I had a gun to shoot myself. I’d take it and find Alain.. run up to him and grab his arm. He’d turn around and I’d look into his eyes, count to 3 then shoot. Just yesterday I thought the Lexapro pills were working but today makes me think differently. I don’t feel any less depressed or suicidal than before. I think tomorrow I will start taking the full 10mg pills instead of the halves. I can’t take feeling this depressed much longer. No one gives a flying fuck about me. I could run out in the middle of the street and shoot myself and no one would try to stop me. No one would even look until after the gun went off. And even after that they’d only be afraid for their own lives. I just want to be with Alain so much… How did I get to be this crazy, sobbing, whiney mess of a person?? I can’t take this. I can’t take this I can’t take this!!! When am I ever going to feel better?? I dont even know what there is left to do to try to help myself. I just want him back so bad it hurts. And I’m never going to get him back am I? I don’t know how to accept that either. I don’t know why I should have to. I dont know why he wanted to leave me. I sure as shit didnt want to leave him.

How did we go from having this deeply committed relationship to NOTHING?? To me seeing him around campus and not even saying “hi”?? I feel like a stalker.. even tho I dont follow him around or anything.. but just because I’m in love with him and we don’t talk. This is so fucked up. I can’t even think of one reason why I should live anymore.

Dream

Just woke up from a dream. I don’t remember much except the last part. I was talking to Viraj like we normally do whenever we see each other on campus and we’re laughing and stuff. Then Viraj grabs my hand and pulls me close to him and tells me that Joe knows I like him and that he likes me too. He just wants me to make the first move for whatever reason. I didn’t really believe what Viraj was telling me, but he seemed so serious, then I woke up. I wish that wasnt a dream :(

Things

Got a Ghostface Killah CD. Reminds me of James :( Woke up this morning thinking of Alain and us being together in NY. Life fucking sucks. I can’t believe I’m going to have to live without him and have him and James as only memories. I can’t deal with this shit. It fucks with my mind and even affects me physically. They say God won’t give you anything that you can’t deal with, but really.. anything on this Earth that could possibly happen can be dealt with. I mean what can you do if you can’t deal with something? All you can do is kill yourself. People do that all the time… Why did God give THEM something that they couldn’t deal with? It doesn’t make sense. I can’t forget the past even though it’s been years since I’ve talked to James and nearly 6 months since I’ve talked to Alain. I’d much rather die than deal with this.

Surprise Surprise

I’m still down in the dumps. Surprise, surprise. I wish someone would just kill me already and put me out of my misery. I feel like I can’t take this anymore and that I’ll never feel better or happy again. I’m so incredibly alone. It’s not just that I feel lonely, it’s that I’m actually alone. I’m not just imagining it or being negative.. I’m really alone now. No Alain, no friends, no one that cares about me. I dont have anyone to turn to or anything that makes me feel really happy. I’m starting to feel like I did last semester: no motivation, don’t want to do anything, etc. As much as I want to, I can’t see the point in thinking about my future, in trying to get a good job, etc. It doesn’t seem worth it at all without Alain to share it with. I feel so hopeless. I can’t even look forward to my life without depression (assuming I get that far) because my life will forever be without Alain. How can I be happy with someone else. How can I be happy without him? I wish I was dead so much. I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow.

I actually felt ok this morning. I studied pretty hard for my astronomy test last night and this morning, so I felt confident. On the way to class, I met this kid named Brad from my floor who’s also in the class. He’s really nice and kinda cute and in IST. I sat next to him for the test but I wonder if I should sit next to him again on Friday? I also so Viraj again on my way to CSE. That’s like the 3rd time this semester already. I guess I’ll be seeing him a lot this semester. Which is fine, but he reminds me of Alain too much. He asked me if I was in the library yesterday with a checkered coat on. I said no, this blue coat is all I have but I was in the library yesterday for an interview. And I told him about that interview and the fact that I got the computer lab job and then I told him about that job. And then we left cuz we both had to go to class. CSE was boring as usual, but a little different today since Goldstine forgot his notes and had to wing it. He wrote twice as many notes as he ever had, but was still incredibly boring and I couldn’t pay attention. The AutoCAD class also kinda sucked cuz the teacher mumbles too much and goes through things too fast and I can’t follow him. Then we had to print out our homework in class and the printer started fucking up and I still had two more pages to print out. So I had to keep printing the shit out like 10 times (literally) before I got a halfway decent copy. And by this time the class was over by 10 mins and another class was already in there. Grrr!!

God, I wish there was something that would make me happy (I would say ‘again’ but I dont think I was ever really generally happy, usually only happy for a day or a few weeks at a time, not permanently). I hope that, if the doctor prescribes anything for me tomorrow, I can afford to buy it. I just feel so trapped and just horrible. I can’t stand it anymore.

Job Interview and Counseling

So I had the library job interview this morning at 8:30AM. I was up till about 2AM last night doing stat homework so I didn’t really sleep much last night. I was soo tired and I still am. I’m pretty sure I screwed the interview up when the asked me “What makes a bad manager?” and I said “someone who expects too much” and then realized how stupid that was and totally blanked and couldn’t provide any more qualities to maybe save my ass. LOL I laugh now, but it sucks that I probably won’t get that job now.

After stat (which was pretty interesting today.. too bad I was so tired and couldn’t fully enjoy it) I went to see a counselor. I was expecting a female cuz the name they gave me was Parish, but it was a guy :/ But he was really nice and shit so that’s ok. He told me I can only have 10 sessions before I have to pay or something which really sucks. And the intake session I had today counts as one of those 10. Parish said that it would be good if I went on some kind of medication soon so he set up an appointment for me on Thursday with a lady who could prescribe antidepressants for me. So, that was all fine and dandy with me until I began chatting with Tom who’s telling me about all the bad stuff about the pills and how my problems aren’t really going to go away. And I realized that he’s right. It would be nice to work through the problems without drugs so I can lead a better life when it’s all over, but 9 sessions isn’t going to be enough. Lol the more I learn about my options, the more hopeless it seems. I thought it was supposed to be the other way around…

But, yeah, like I said, Stat was really interesting today. It’s usually kind of interesting to me for some reason. It’s still pretty challenging, but it’s not one of those subject that seems hopelessly impossible to me (like so many of the other classes I’ve encountered in engineering so far). I’m thinking of talking to the teacher about career opportunities in statistics and what kind of jobs I could expect… ya know, just to see because I’m curious now.

And hasher, thanks, I’ll let you know :)