Another Miserable Day

Today was just another miserable day for me. I miss him so much and I feel so aimless and hopeless and depressed. I ended up emailing the Samaritians the other night after I saw his profile. I just felt so awful. Fortunately, Tom was online and chatted with me until like 5am. He’s also been this depressed over someone dumping him too and he wanted to kill himself too so we talked about that for a while. I really like him and he’s so nice and everything. He’s asked me out twice already (we’ve only been chatting for like a month or less) and I’ve turned him down both times. I don’t know why. I just… :( I don’t know. I like him and I think he’s cute but he’s not Alain and I don’t want to get myself all confused and feeling even worse. I don’t want to like him until I’m right with myself, until I’m over Alain. He knows that I still love Alain, I don’t know why he still wants to take me out. Going out with him now would just be too soon.

Emailing the Samaritians didn’t help much by the way. I don’t know what I was expecting, but whatever it was, I didn’t get it. The response was kind and they asked questions, but I don’t feel like even responding. And I feel worse now because that didn’t help much.

I have an initial appointment with the counseling place here on campus. I was looking forward to it until just a few seconds ago when I realized that they might not even be able to help me either. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t get help from them.

Had the lab rover interview today. It seemed like it went well. I came in about 15 mins early but they weren’t ready to interview me yet. Some Asian girl named Connie was in the office so she said that I could just sit in there and wait with her. I ended up having to wait until like 5:15 or 5:20 to actually get interviewed (my interview was supposed to be at 5). But, I got to find out a lot about the job before the interview which helped me on a few of the questions they asked me. They seemed to be pleased with my answers. They said “good” and “great” a lot and the guy even said that I was the second best person they’ve interviewed so far (second to some guy who had worked with HP laser printers in his last job). I would say I’m feeling confident that I got the job, but I’m sure they have more people to interview so maybe I shouldnt get excited yet. I should hear back from them in a week or so, so I’ll let you know how that goes. I have an interview for the library tomorrow so wish me luck on that.

I also started the women in engineering lab skills class tonight. Tian is in the class with me so that’s cool. We’re going to be building a radio and I think a tool box (out of wood). It’s ok so far. As long as I get an A I’m happy.

Oops.. :(

I decided to go to thefacebook.com to see what it was like. I registered and logged in. Looked up Viraj first, then Alain… bad idea lol. Profile doesn’t really have any sexual content or anything but there’s some pictures of him at parties with his arms around girls.. some with his arms around two girls at once. He put on his profile that he likes hip hop and rap and shit… wtf? 6 months ago he was always pissed at me cuz I didn’t like hardcore and he always made fun of rap. He’s still…so cute :'( Why did this happen… what did I do wrong? I feel sick to my stomach. My heart was beating so fast while I was looking at his profile. I felt so strange. Like lightheaded and sick to my stomach.. *slams head on table* He should be MY bf. I should be able to look at those pictures and smile and say “hehe that’s my baby.. my Alum.” I don’t know what I’m going to do when someday I find out he has a gf. I really thought I could handle seeing something like this tonight. I was feeling really good. But, I think I saw just a little too much.. He’s doing fine without me.. maybe better w/o me…it doesn’t even look like breaking up with me fazed him at all. :”'( Yeah, I really really shouldn’t have looked at that site. That was stupid of me. I feel like such a loser. Alain’s so popular and seems to have a ton of friends and looks so cute and that’s never going to be me. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could feel or convince myself that I was doing better than he was… like if I gained a ton of new friends since he left and that my grades got better and all this other shit.. but I can’t say any of that. Urgh I feel like garbage. Thank goodness I have that counseling appointment soon.. Tuesday I think. I can’t wait. I need it now.

Karate Tournament

I spent all day at the karate tournament today. I didn’t participate, but I watched the whole thing and supported Tian (she wanted me there) and the other club members. It was kinda interesting especially when the brown and black belts did free fighting. THAT was fun to watch!! They didn’t have to shout out what they were going to do, they just did whatever they could: punch, kick, etc. Barry got first place in men’s, and I think one of our black belt girls got 3rd in women’s. Barry’s so good. And he’s cute :) There were two black belt girls who had to fight each other. They were probably related because they had the same last name. They ended up tying. They were really reluctant to hit first. And they both had weird styles. One of them just stood in back stance and waited for the other person to do something. She seemed kinda slow. The other one kept her arms and elbows real far from her body and she looked like she was going into the praying mantis stance or something. I was sitting next to the black lady in our club (I have no idea what her name is) and she was video taping all our people and in between video taping we were talking about the people in the tournament lol. We were so mean. We just made fun of everyone else and said that our club members were better 😛 So that was really fun lol. Then after the tournament ended (around 5:30pm) we ate pizza and chatted and then Gavin asked me out again (haha) and I said no cuz I had a lot of hw to do since I was at the tournament all day. That wasn’t really the truth since I haven’t even touched any homework since I got home from the tournament, but I just don’t want to go out with him again. I’m just not attracted to him in any way. Hopefully, one day, a guy who I find attractive will be interested in me too :)

Hmm, had a dream about Alain last night. I dont remember much now but I wrote some notes about it on the notepad beside my bed. I was studying at the library and Alain was with a friend and he saw me and invited me over. But we didn’t talk or anything. lol I honestly have no memory of this now. But, for some reason I do remember either him or I being at a big wooden table at the library lol.

Just Your Average Wednesday

Yeah, just like the title says, today was just an average wednesday. Nothing really interesting happened except that today was the first day of that 10 week class on AutoCAD. That class seems like it might actually be hard. I was trying to follow along with the teacher during class but I could never keep up :( It was really frustrating. The guy sitting next to me had already completed the example before the teacher even taught us how to do it. I felt so stupid :( But, whatever, I want to learn how to use AutoCAD so I’m going to stick with this.

After classes I went to a few workshops about resume writing and internship finding. I feel a lot better about the resume thing now. I have a few more ideas and I think I’ll have a good resume to show the career counselor next Thursday.

Oh yeah, I made an appointment to see a counselor next Tuesday. I don’t know what they’re going to tell me but I just hope that they can help me with dealing with the whole Alain thing. I guess everything I’m feeling is completely normal and will go away with time, but I just feel so alone in all of this and like no one really cares or understands. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t take it anymore. I’m still very much in love with him, but I dunno. I guess my feelings toward him have changed…diminished somewhat. I dunno. I just want to talk to someone about it!

Just Your Average Wednesday

Yeah, just like the title says, today was just an average wednesday. Nothing really interesting happened except that today was the first day of that 10 week class on AutoCAD. That class seems like it might actually be hard. I was trying to follow along with the teacher during class but I could never keep up :( It was really frustrating. The guy sitting next to me had already completed the example before the teacher even taught us how to do it. I felt so stupid :( But, whatever, I want to learn how to use AutoCAD so I’m going to stick with this.

After classes I went to a few workshops about resume writing and internship finding. I feel a lot better about the resume thing now. I have a few more ideas and I think I’ll have a good resume to show the career counselor next Thursday.

Oh yeah, I made an appointment to see a counselor next Tuesday. I don’t know what they’re going to tell me but I just hope that they can help me with dealing with the whole Alain thing. I guess everything I’m feeling is completely normal and will go away with time, but I just feel so alone in all of this and like no one really cares or understands. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t take it anymore. I’m still very much in love with him, but I dunno. I guess my feelings toward him have changed…diminished somewhat. I dunno. I just want to talk to someone about it!

Hmm Interesting Day…

Today was an interesting day. I had an appointment with a career counselor named Jodi at 9am. She’s really nice and we actually didn’t talk much about majors but I told her about my situation with school and money and being the first in my family to go to college and we spent a lot of time talking about that. She said that it would be good if I talked about that more with her so I can get it off my chest and not go crazy :) So, that’s nice. I never really thought about trying to talk to someone about THAT, but I guess I didn’t realize that most people’s situation isn’t like mine. I guess I thought everyone had worries like I did and that I just wasn’t handling them so well. It’s great to have someone to talk to about that stuff.

Oh, and on my way to that appointment, I encountered the cleaning lady, Cindy by the elevators. She said “can I ask you a personal question?” I said yeah. She asks “Does your roommate talk to you much?” hhehehe I told her “no, not very much. She’s pretty much in her own world.” Ok, so now I know I’m not the only one who notices this strangeness :)

I ended up going late to Karate because I had to talk to the CSE TA before tomorrow because I didn’t know how to do this one problem. Turns out the TA didn’t even read the book yet and after I go do the hw after Karate and come back at like midnight, the TA has emailed me telling me what I did was all wrong so I had to redo it :( Blah. So after going to see the TA, I was starving but I was already late for Karate so I just went to the HUB real quick to buy a cookie and ate it on the way to the gym. I came into karate just as they were doing all the katas, which I hate because pretty soon everyone’s doing a different kata and everyone’s bumping into everyone else. I also forgot how to do the last half of han neidan so I just kept doing han shodan over and over and over and I was real sick of it after about the 5th time lol. Then, they had us pratice for the tournament which is this Saturday (which I’m not participating in, but I might go watch). So we had to learn some new blocks and counter attacks and then we practiced on other white, yellow and orange belts. I ended up sparring with Gavin (tall Indian guy w/glasses) and he asked me to come have some coffee with him after karate. I said ok. I mean what the heck? He’s kinda silly and funny and so am I. So after karate we went to Irving’s but the food bar was closed so I just got a smoothie and some cake. He bought so I guess this was a “date” lol. The convo was ok. We laughed a lot. He made fun of my shirt (I think… I can’t really tell if he’s serious or not sometimes!!). Then we left pretty quick. I mean I had hw to do (it’s a Tuesday night for goodness sake!!) and I dunno… I didn’t feel very comfortable with him. He just always seemed to be the womaning type so I don’t really trust him or anything he says. I don’t remember what we were saying exactly at the time, but he said something like “you ARE special.” And I looked at his face and he was half smiling so I figured he was joking and I said “I take it you don’t mean that in a good way.” And we both laughed (btw, his laugh seemed totally fake but then again I am not sure what his real laugh might sound like so I have nothing to base this on) and then he said something like “but you are special” like really seriously. But, I’m not an idiot and I’m not going to take that too seriously. Guys will say anything to a girl right? lol So after about an hour and a half we dispersed and I went to the library to do my CSE hw.

At the library I saw Viraj! I was shocked and amazed. He was on his cell phone and I was walking past and I stopped and got his attention and waved. I was going to keep going and not bother him but he told me to wait. So I sat down next to him and waited till he was done on the phone. We chatted about school and jobs and stuff like that for about 10-20 mins (definitely our longest conversation ever in life even when I was with Alain lol) then I went to the stacks to work on hw. Either Viraj is picking up a NY accent or he’s faking it. It sounds a little fake and forced to me… but w/e :) lol. By the time I got around to doing hw it was after 11 and I didn’t sleep much during the night so I was really tired. I just finished CSE and read a few pages in my art history book and went home. Viraj IM’ed me online again asking if I was still in the stacks lol. He’s a nice kid. Alain should try to be like him.

Also, yesterday I was chatting with Joe a little online and I found out that he’s in the breakdancing club thingie here. He’s a newbie but, still, that’s so hot :) I want to join the club but I’m afraid I’ll really really suck and people will laugh at me so.. I dunno if I’ll ever go :/

Yeah, I’ve noticed that I’ve changed a bit since Alain left me. I used to be a bit more shy than I am now. Like, for example, I would’nt even talk to Viraj very much, not even online. I guess maybe it didn’t have to do with shyness then. Maybe it was more like I was afraid that if I said something wrong it would get back to Alain and he’d get upset and think that I like Viraj. I also never thought I’d be going out on dates and stuff, but since Alain dumped me I’ve been on like 4 dates with 3 different people. Of course, I didn’t really like any of them and they all suck, but, still, that’s a big deal for me lol. I guess that now that he’s gone from my life I’m forced to try to get a real social life in order to keep from getting too depressed. Even though I still don’t have much of a social life lol. BUT, I do talk to a lot of people, especially in Karate. And I’m communicating a lot with my teachers (which I did when I was with Alain anyway…). Hmm… maybe what I should be saying is that I find myself talking to GUYS easier than I did when I was with him lol. Yeah, that’s more like it.

BTW

Alan actually IM’ed me about a week or so ago. He said that he wasn’t online much because he was watching anime so much. Not a very good excuse if you ask me. He still hasn’t earned the right to be back on my buddy list lol. He hasn’t even IM’ed me since that day.

Today

Hehe hey hasher. Yeah, I haven’t written much the past week or so. School’s been keeping me busy :)

Today was a pretty good day. Went to astronomy in the morning and discovered that I submitted the wrong answer to one of the homework questions on Thursday night. But, the teacher was nice. She let me redo that one and hand it in to her on paper and she said she’d fix it online. So, hopefully I got another 100% on the homework this week :)

After that was CSE465. Goldstein was talking about his favorite problem in the entire world… the Tower of Hanoi. He’ll probably talk about it for the next three days like he did in 260 lol. I’m kind of pissed at Tian in that class though because she sits next to her roommate everyday now instead of sitting next to both of us. She will sit in the second row and I sit in the first. I don’t know why she does that.

After 465 we saw George on the way to the HUB. We just told him about the lecture and stuff. We don’t have any classes with George, but we still see him about once a week or so. Then we ate at the HUB and then I went to go to a few places to sign up for the Resumemania that is in two weeks and to try to get a job on campus. While I was leaving the building after signing up for Resumemania I saw Josh and one of the brown belts from karate in the lounge. At first I didn’t recognize them, but then Josh waved at me and I’m like “oh! that’s Josh!!” I was wondering why they were all staring at me and talking.. lol. Josh got a haircut and he looks a lot different actually. But, we just chatted for a few minutes. There was another girl at the table too who I didn’t know or recognize, but she was nice. I asked Josh if it was ok if I went home with them for spring break. He said it was (of course) so I’ll get to go home a little earlier for spring break. Then I left them and went to go to a few places to see about jobs and then I saw Joe. That was the first time I ever saw him just randomly on campus so that was cool. He asked me how classes were going and I told him good and that I’m taking easy classes this semester. We chatted about classes and stuff and he said that he has a class with Tian and that Mitchell is the teacher and that he’s always telling everyone how great she is lol. So we talked about that stuff for a while and then he said he got an internship at Westinghouse for the summer and then he talked about that for a while and then we went on our merry ways because it was rather cold out lol. It was cool seeing him and he’s hot 😉 Unfortunately, I noticed (when he smiled and laughed and stuff) that his teeth are all yellow ‘n stuff.. :/ Brush your teeth “mang” lol. I mean my teeth aren’t perfectly white, but his were kinda iggy. :( I feel bad for saying this, but that’s what this diary is for: documenting my life and thoughts and feelings and such… So that’s what I was thinking at the time. But, overall he’s still a cutiepie.

Then after that I went to see about a Lab Rover position and then went to the Intramural Bldg but I decided not to ask about any job there because the room where you’re supposed to ask about jobs was all filled with guys and I realized that I wouldn’t want to work in a place like that and plus the job would have to deal with sports and I don’t know anything about sports so I’d look stupid to everyone.

After all that I went back to my dorm, played NFSU2 and then Tian called so we went to eat and then to see The Grudge at the HUB. That movie was kinda scary, but it didn’t make a lot of sense so I don’t know if I liked it or not yet… Even after talking about it for a while, Tian and I still couldn’t explain everything that happened. Maybe I’ll do a little research…

I had this dream earlier in the week but didn’t have time to write about it and now I don’t remember many details. But, I remember that my parents and I went to see a black comedian (his show I mean). And then afterwards we all got in the car and drove to Eat ‘n Park to eat. Well, on the way there in the car, I must have said something to dad and he didn’t hear me (like usual :) and mom got mad at him for that and they started arguing (like usual :). Then we got to the restaurant and that’s all I remember.

Also wanted to write about the weird design I saw in the snow in front of the HUB on Tuesday. It was kind of like the crop circles that you always see on TV out in Nebraska or whereever. Except it was just in the snow. I don’t know how somebody made it, but it wasn’t made in footprints or bike tracks or anything. It was just like someone with a huge stamp, stamped the shape into the snow. And the circle was a perfect circle with perfectly symmetrical diamonds going down the middle and some other designs I don’t remember going down the middle. No one else seemed to care cuz I didn’t see anyone looking at it or pointing at it and when I went to karate that evening no one mentioned it. Also, just a few mins before I saw the snow design thing, some guy on my way back from the IST Bldg. stopped me to ask me if I wanted to learn more about God or if I wanted him to pray about something for me. I turned him down because he looked kind of crazy and scary and I just wanted him to leave me alone, but I was wondering if maybe that was a bad idea. I feel sort of guilty.

Also, one or two days ago I found out about a resume workshop at the MBNA career place so I, on a whim, decided to go. Unfortunately, it wasn’t what I expected it to be (I thought someone would look over my resume and critique it) so I ended up leaving that and going back to the Intake place. Well, this time I got Wren… she SUCKS. I told her I was looking to have someone look over my resume. She said “ok” and smiled. So I pulled out the resume and layed it on the table in front of her. She looks at me and waits for a few mins and then asks me what my question is… Grr.. hello. I want you to look over my resume to see if I could improve anywhere, change anything, etc. like I just SAID. But, I just pointed out a few sections that I didn’t know were good or not and she gave me some weird answers so basically I don’t know what I should do. She was so cheesy and fake and she smiled ALL THE TIME… I’ve never seen someone like that. At first you think she’s cool, she must be really nice and sweet and stuff. But then you ask her a direct and serious question and then she just smiles and says “well what do you think?” Uhh crazy lady, I’m asking YOU. She’s asking me what I think employers want… I DONT KNOW! I’ve never employed anyone or even had a job where a resume was necessary! I was really pissed off about that whole ordeal. And I have even less of an idea what I should do with my resume now than I did before… *sigh* *cries*

“Quick” Entry

Haven’t had much time to write in here this week. Classes and actually doing homework and karate have kept me busy. Also, looking for a job and trying to get my resume and career goals all straightened out. Haven’t gotten any job offers though :( THis sucks. I didn’t think it would be so hard to find a job here.

Anyway, today was just a normal day. Didn’t have class until 1 so I slept in till 11. Was nice. I actually woke up around 10 and couldv’e gotten up but I felt like I was cheating myself from an hour’s sleep.. Called the dermatologist back this morning (they left a message on my answering machine at home two days ago asking me to call them). The doctor basically just told me the same stuff that they told me when I called them last week. The doctor said that I should come back in about 5 months to see how the thing is doing. If it bleeds or grows then I’ll have to get it removed, if not then we can leave it. I’m pretty sure it wont bleed or grow. I’ve had it for a long time and it has done neither. Btw, its called desmoplastic trichoepithelioma. I can’t remember if I mentioned that before or not.

Karate sucked today. I got to wear my gi though with a leftover yellow belt (which was way too big..) though. But we spent most of the class working on backstance and I really suck at it and I got so frustrated. I was doing everything wrong and I couldn’t fix it. I just couldn’t figure out how to fix it lol. I’m not that coordinated. We did a variation of the last four moves of han shodan where we were supposed to use back stance to defend and attack two attackers. I fucked it up every single time I did it lol. Lily came to karate today with her friend. She said she was going to the badminton club after karate and I said I wanted to go to, but after class I was just too hungry and tired so I just let her leave.

Lets see here… oh yeah. Yesterday I went to do the planet lab for astronomy class. It was at 7:30pm in Davey. It was lame. The TA who was teaching was so funny though. He had a strange accent and pronounced everything weird. I have no idea where he was from. The funniest thing was that he was talking about the Big Dipper and he decided he wanted to write it on the board. So he wrote it how he spelled it: “Bib Deeper”. It was soooooo funny.

Ok now for the dreams I’ve had this past week. I didn’t have any last night, but I think this one happened the night before…
My parents and I were moving into a new house. It looked like just a one story house. For some reason, in the beginning of the dream, I thought the house was just going to be mine. I didn’t say this outloud to my parents or anything though. But, later on as my mom and I were walking through all the rooms of the house I discovered that it would be for all of us. The house had a lot of rooms. I chose my room to be actually two rooms, both kind of small sort of resembling my old room at home (on the 2nd floor). One would be my closet and storage space, the other would be where I’d sleep. At the beginning of the walk around the house, I was kind of upset about Alain and stuff, but after touring the house and being excited about it I thought about him a little less. Then as I was walking into a room where my dad was, I woke up and saw my roommate bending over her bed and for a few seconds I thought she was my dad unloading his clothes into a dresser lol.

Speaking of Alain, last night I was thinking about him a lot while in the library trying to do hw and I was thinking about the night he broke up with me on campus and how two of his friends were there waiting with him. And for some reason I got really upset about the fact that he didn’t come to talk to me about our relationship alone. I mean his friends left as soon as I arrived, but I guess I felt that a talk like this should be more private and important so his friends shouldn’t be there. So now I’m still mad about that and the way he treated me over the summer. I didn’t deserve that at all. If he thinks so little of me that he could treat me like that and not even be sorry then why shouldn’t I think of him in the same way?? *angry and sad*

I have more to say but I’ll write later.

Damn.. *sigh*

What a long day. I did so much today.. Went to astronomy class in the morning, ran to eat lunch afterwards, then ran back across campus to CSE 465 then ran to see my stat TA, then after that went to see my stat teacher (who btw, forgot that I was coming to see him at 2..). I left his office about 10-15 mins later and ran to the Boucke building to look for a “student services” office which doesn’t exist in Boucke but my advisor insists it does…*shrugs*. Then I ran to the library to ask them a question about getting a job at the library. Then ran back to see my stat teacher at 3pm. He talked a lot…*rolls eyes* Then I ran to McCoy Auditorium to see about a job in the stage crew, then ran to the Nautitorium to see about a job there, but there was a big line where I needed to go so I didn’t feel like waiting, so I just went to the MNBA building and talked to a career counselor and made an appointment for next Monday. After that I went back to my dorm and called Tian to see if she wanted to eat dinner with me. She said she already had dinner so I just went by myself. Then I went to the library and was there till about 9:30 doing stat homework. The theoretical questions are a pain in the ass!!!!!! They each take a page to write out…URGH. My hand felt like it was gonna fall off. And now at 10pm I’m finally back home for the night.

Yeah, so my stat teacher who I thought was so awesome and interested in helping me, probably isn’t as great as I thought. He forgot that we were supposed to meet at his office at 2pm. I guess that’s not a big deal, but I just thought he had more interest in me. And he was the one who suggested that I come today…

I think I had a dream about Grandma last night for some reason. I can’t remember anything about it except that I was given some kind of message to remember about her or from her which basically summed up to: don’t mourn her anymore because there’s no reason to. Something like that… I hope I’m not just making that up lol. I also remember having a dream about some guy either last night or the night before or something. I don’t remember anythning about the dream except that when I woke up early in the morning I remembered it then and I said to myself “wow. I actually dreamt about a guy who wasn’t Alain! Awesome..” lol.