I Miss Him

I miss Alain a lot. I’ve been thinking about him a lot today, about things we did together. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the thoughts that I smile and feel happy for a few moments. But, then I realize that my Alum is gone forever and I’ll never get to touch him or hold him or kiss him or do anything with him again and then I feel sad. And then, what makes me feel worse, is knowing that he doesn’t even WANT me to touch him or kiss him or talk to him again. All of this is what he WANTED. I wish I could hate him or feel anger towards him, but it still won’t come. Whenever I read something like an entry in this diary or an old email where I was complaining about him and pointing out things I didn’t like, I still don’t feel anger. Why aren’t I mad about how he treated me yet? Sometimes I feel so upset about it that my head hurts or I get dizzy for a few moments. Sometimes I pray that I will be able to stop loving him and get over him, but those prayers are only half-hearted. I don’t think I want to stop loving him. It felt too good to love him :( It was so safe and I thought nothing could take him away from me. I was so sure of it, of us. I thought our relationship could withstand ANYTHING. But, now when someone asks me why he broke up with me, I have to tell them that I don’t know exactly and give them a few guesses. All I really know is that he stopped loving me, but I don’t know any reasons why. I’m not sure if I’d even want to know. You don’t stop loving someone unless you want to and you force yourself to. So, for whatever reason, he forced himself to stop loving me. Maybe I’ll never know why. I’ve started praying for him again in my nightly prayers. I pray for my family, my friends and him. I just pray that God will give him a good life filled with joy and everything that he wants. I also pray that God will accept him into Heaven. He always rejected God and religions of all kinds so I know that last thing may be hard.

I feel like I’m back to being a little 13 year old girl again… being in love with a guy who doesn’t love me back. Thinking about him all the time and longing for him while he’s completely oblivious to me… :'( Wondering when the next time I’ll see him will be. And always in the back of my mind: the thought that in less than two years, when he graduates, I’ll never have the chance to see him again. He’ll go back to NY and maybe move out of his house. I may never see him again after that. And I won’t know where to even find him if I wanted to. He might have already changed email addresses and/or screen names. I’m too scared to check.

Well, anyway, the wound on my face looks ok except for the two pieces of string from the stitches coming out of it like two black hairs. I can’t go out in public without a bandaid on it lol.

Today is Jill’s birthday. I told her I’d go with her and some other people to Stillborn fest at The World. I don’t really want to go. I’m not really into the bands that are going to be there (Hatebreed, Candiria, etc.) anymore and I don’t want to spend $18-20 to see these bands that I don’t like. Also, the last time I saw Candiria it was with Alain and James. Oi, James. More bad memories. I also dont want to drive downtown or whereever this place is and pay whatever rates for parking. I also hate going out with a group and only knowing one person in the group. It’s basically like being by myself. Well, if she doesn’t call I won’t call her.. But, I dunno. It’s her birthday. I should go… Urgh, I wish my friends and I had more in common… musical interests, mutual friends, life goals, values, etc.

Damn, I’m lonely. I just wish I had someone who could take the place of Alain in my life right now. Doesn’t have to be a guy, just a person who would call me up everyday and talk to me. Hang out with me everyday or almost everyday. Someone who could make me laugh and would let me make them laugh and someone who I could just feel comfortable with and have a good time with.

I remember all those years ago when I broke up with Bobby for Alain. He told me that we wouldn’t last. Stupid bastard was right. I wonder if this is my punishment (tenfold of course) for breaking up with Bobby so cruelly. I dunno. I was only like 15 at the time. I can barely remember the break up or much about Bobby. I don’t know why I should be punished so much for something like that. I mean the last time we even talked about our relationship, he denies even loving me even though I distinctly remember us saying we loved each other and I remember how upset he was when I broke up with him. He cried. Hahah… I made a 30 yr old man cry when I was only 15! Wow, I still don’t feel much remorse about that. But, hey, he was 30 yrs old and I was only 15. He should’ve known better than I did that it wouldn’t work out and he especially shouldn’t have let it happen. Hmm.. maybe the pain he felt when I broke up with him was punishment for HIM lol. Interesting… But, if that is so, why am I in so much pain now? What did I do?

Always, in the back of my mind, I knew God would take everything away from me (everything being Alain) in order to bring me closer to him. I could just feel it. But, now, even after he’s been gone, I don’t feel much closer to him. I pray a little more sometimes and often I try to console myself by telling myself that I will find love again when the right time comes and that God wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t handle, but other than things like that, I don’t do much else. I still don’t read the Bible, I still don’t go to church. I don’t know if I could ever be a really religious person. It just doesn’t sit right with me. It’s hard for me to find interest in religion and God outside of academic curiousity or personal needs. I can’t see myself loving God more than my boyfriend or husband or mother or father. How can someone love someone that they haven’t seen or touched or had a conversation with? How can someone just love someone based upon stories and books and pictures of them, but without ever having any normal physical contact with them? Sure, very religious people will tell you that they talk to God all the time and he tells them what to do in their lives and when they do what he says everything turns out peaches and cream, but what about skeptical people? God should be talking to them more than anyone because they’re not inclined to believe in something or someone they have never seen or had contact with. And me, I ask God to tell me what I should do, but he hasn’t told me yet. If he has, I guess I missed the hint. If I missed the hint, why doesn’t God make his answer more obvious? How am I supposed to do what he says if I don’t know what he’s saying??

Grandpa wants me to come over and see him sometime before I go back to school. Dad says its because he misses me and wants to see me but I know he wants to talk to me about God and being saved. Grandpa has never “missed me and wanted to see me” since I started college. Why all of a sudden? I hate being preached at to “find God.” It’s just not that simple.

Dreams

Had two dreams last night, both bad…

The first dream I hardly remember anything about, but I know that in it Alain and I got back together and were doing a lot of kissing and laughing.

The second dream was about vampires/zombies. It was kind of similar to the book I just read called I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. I guess I was at college (not my college, but A college) with other college kids. Life was normal and enjoyable during the day, but at night all the zombies or vampires or whatever they were, came out and tried to get us all. Everynight we would hide in this house on the second floor or in the attic of the house. We didnt have very many guns so it was important that we all be safely locked up in those rooms so that the creatures couldn’t get us. I think one of the people in the dream was this guy Dave that was in my CSE260 class this past semester. I don’t know how else to describe this dream. Life was normal during the day to the point where I would forget that the creatures even existed but then at night I’d be filled with fear that they would break into the rooms we were hiding in. Nothing particularly exciting happened. It was just the same thing, day in day out. The nightly attacks brought those of us in hiding closer to each other. If two of us had to go somewhere, we went together, holding on to each other even if we had never met before.

Well, hasher, unfortunately these dreams are pretty obvious. I dreamt about getting back together with Alain because that’s what I want and I dreamt about the zombie/vampires because I read that book where the story was pretty similar. Maybe I’ll have some better dreams tomorrow night hehe.

My Day So Far

Good interpretation hasher. I never would’ve thought of some of that stuff :) Everything sounds correct except for the part about me feeling like I am responsible for Joe, Rebecca and the other girl. I don’t really feel like that, especially with Joe. Mayyyybe for Rebecca lol. I think Joe showed up in my dream just because I’m kind of interested in him and maybe I was thinking about him right before I fell asleep. But, in any case, good job! I’ll try to remember more dreams for you to interpret hehe.

Ok so I fell asleep this morning at 7am… Yeah, 7 AM lol. Couldn’t really sleep and mom got up around 5:45am and started yelling down at me every so often to ask me things. Then, I got up around 9:50 (I set my alarm clock for 9AM, but I think I slept through it) when dad called me. Then we went to the dermatologist for my appointment at 11. The doctor looked at my “cyst” and told me it wasn’t a cyst and he immediately suspected skin cancer. He asked me if I burned in the sun quickly. I said yes. So he said that he’d like to take a biopsy of it instead of trying to remove it today like we had planned. I didn’t really have a choice since it was either that or wait another 6 months to see if any changes occured. Cutting it all off today as it is would have been a bad idea too since it would’ve left a bigger mark than what is already there. So, he took the biopsy. First he had to inject something to numb my skin. And of course as soon as I even saw the needle on the table I got scared. He had me lay down on the table and then he put the needle in and damn did it hurt. It just kept hurting and hurting. I don’t know why it took him so long before he took the needle out. Well, maybe he stuck it in a few different places… I can’t be sure since my eyes were closed :) But, finally it was over. He got his sample and then he gave me one stitch. I kept my eyes closed through the whole thing but I still got dizzy and upset and the doctor and one of the nurses had to hold my legs up. The doctor used smelling salts on me twice hehehe. They smelled so bad and…. well it was just really shocking to smell it. I can still smell it… ick! Anyway, now I have this big hunk of gauze taped to my face that has to stay there for the next 24 hours. It’s starting to get itchy. I have to go back next monday to get the stitch removed and get the results of the test if they’re available. Hopefully it’s nothing serious. But, wouldn’t that be just perfect if it WAS skin cancer?? Me, with skin cancer and I’m only 20! I don’t even get that much sun! Guess I better start wearing more sun block.

Well, anyway, I got to get to the bank. I’ll let you know how it looks tomorrow.

What’s Been Up

Hope you had a great Christmas and hope you have a great New Year hasher!

Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote. My grandma’s funeral was on Wednesday, Rebecca and I went shopping on Thursday, and Christmas was Saturday. I don’t remember much of what happened on Thursday or Friday though hehe.

Well, the funeral was sad. I got to hear a few stories about grandma that I had never heard. The stories made me remember things about grandma that I had forgotten. Things about her real personality, about who she was before Alzheimer’s changed her. People spoke about how dependable, spunky, and determined she was. Someone, I think Sis. Lodema, told us about when the church needed money for repairs for their busses or vans or whatever it was. Grandma was absolutely positive that they would get the money. So they went around selling hoagies to people door to door. When it came time for them to actually make the hoagies, she was there at the church cutting lettuce at 5am. When Lodema got there at 7am, Grandma told her that she “just couldn’t sleep.” She knew there was work that needed to be done and she just had to get over there and do it. Well, to make a long story short, they got enough money to fix the vehicles. Uncle Jodie told us about one time she was called up to speak in front of some congregation. Jodie said that she always had a way of getting a group’s attention and keeping it. Jodie said that she walked up there onto the platform and just stood there for a few moments surveying the audience. THen she found Jodie in the audience and pointed to him. She said something like “that’s my son-in-law. I didn’t like him very much when I first met him but he’s ok now…. I guess.” Then she went on talking about what she came to talk about. She just wanted to get everyone’s attention. It was pretty funny the way Jodie told it and acted it out. That’s definitely something Grandma would say :) When she still went to church on Sundays and she had the opportunity to speak, she always said something funny or something so outrageous that it was funny. I remember my mom sometimes saying “oh my God” after she spoke in church. But, I think mom could’ve learned a lot from grandma if she had been open to it. I love how grandma spoke whatever was on her mind and was so REAL. That was actually exactly what someone said at the funeral. But, anyway, sometimes I think my mom tries to hard to keep up appearances. Grandma was just herself. I wish I could be just like her now… She’s just the type of person people should admire and imitate. I was so proud to hear how many lives she’s touched in her life, how many people have looked up to her and thought of her as a mother. I was also so proud when I was riding along in the funeral procession to the graveyard and I looked back to see the long string of cars following us. You just can’t hide a genuinely person. People are just naturally attracted to them. So many people loved her. And many people still love her. I’m more proud of her now than I ever was.

It’s hard to believe that she’s been dead for over a week. But, people like her, they don’t really die. Their bodies die, but not their spirits, not THEM. Grandma won’t be dead for a long long time. Not until there’s no one around to remember her and tell stories about her.

On a lighter note, Mom and I opened Christmas presents on Friday night, Christmas Eve. I got a jewelry box, $100 cash, a Simpsons day-by-day calendar, a Mickey Mouse watch and a new purse. I bought mom a new blowdryer, a heater for the bathroom, a set of 4 glasses, 3 candles, and I picked out a dragonfly pin for her which was from dad. I think there was something else that I got for her, but I forgot what it was. I couldn’t believe it but Dad hadn’t bought her anything even by Thursday. So when I went out with Rebecca on Thursday, I got a Kaufmann’s gift card for her and the pin. Dad still owes me $5 but whatever. I’m sure he didn’t really buy anything for me even though the tags said “From: Dad.” I guess it’s excusable this year since Grandma died. But, everyone else had time to buy gifts for everyone else, I don’t know why he couldn’t find time to do the same.

Hanging out with Rebecca on Thursday was…..tiring to say the least. She’s even slower than I remember. I mean she just walks slow and talks slow and does EVERYTHING slow. I walk at a normal pace in the mall and she’s like 5 steps behind me. I’m looking back trying to supress the urge to grab her arm and drag her along. And it’s hard to joke with her. I mean she laughs at funny things I say, but she rarely participates well in the banter. She’s just too slow. The highlight of the evening was when we went to that one store at the mall with all the paintings from that painter whose name I can’t remember right now and the guy that worked there talked to us for like 5-10 mins. He thought Rebecca went to Penn State because she was wearing a Westminster Univ. sweatshirt but it was in blue and white which are penn state colors. I said she didn’t go there but, I siad that I did. Then we started talking about the school and stuff. He found out that I was doing computer engineering and he immidiately said I was smart. He didn’t ask. He just said “you’re smart, a good student.” I’m like hehe ok if you say so. He told Rebecca a few times that she won’t be able to make money with her major. I thought it was kinda rude though. He doesn’t know us and he just met us less than 10 mins ago. It’s really none of his business whether or not our majors will make money. But, anyway, it was nice to have a conversation with a “normal” person for a few mins ya know? We were out till like 11:30 that night since the mall was open till 11.

We went over to David and Stacy’s on Christmas. We weren’t there very long. We just had a ham dinner and then we did the Chinese grab bag gift exchange thing. I ended up getting an electronic poker game, Yahtzee, and 3 jigsaw puzzles. David, Stacy, mom, Aunt Mary and I all played Hoopla until Grandpa wanted to go home. We didn’t get to finish the game though :( It was actually a lot of fun once we figured out how to play it.

Well, despite all that I’ve lost this year, I think I’m changing a lot for the better. My parents even commented on how mature I was at Grandma’s viewing. They were really impressed with how I handled meeting all kinds of new people and how I was able to converse with them whereas in the past I wouldn’t have been able to do that. I also think that I’m a little less selfish now and also more respectful and patient with people. And I’ve learned that I can’t depend on anyone being there to help me out except for my parents (mostly my mother) and myself. I’ve learned that even though someone says they’ll do something, I should not expect them to actually do it. And finally, I’ve learned that if I want something done right or right now, I’ve got to do it myself :)

A few days I was chatting with Alan online and he told me about a date he had just been on. I was kind of surprised, but then I thought about it and realized that I shouldn’t be. If he met me online then why wouldn’t he meet other girls online? The girl he went on the date was also only 18 and still in high school. I definitely lost a little respect for him because of that. She’s too young… It also makes me feel really weird about him.

Can you believe it’s been four months since Alain and I broke up? :( I missed him a lot today. Sometimes in my head I talk to him, tell him I love him. I wonder if he ever thinks of me, if he still talks to my picture sometimes. I wonder if he ever cried about all of this. I’m really trying to accept my new life without him, but I can’t forget the past and I can’t stop missing it and wanting it all back. I have a hard time thinking that I might one day love someone else. I can’t imagine how anyone could be better than Alain. I can’t imagine being satisfied with anyone else even though I guess I wasn’t even satisfied with Alain. I’m alone now but I don’t want to be alone forever. I want SOMEONE, but I just can’t imagine being satisfied with anyone. I’m not some really independent person and I don’t have a lot of life goals for myself so I don’t know why I feel like this. It’s not like my life wouldn’t or doesn’t permit space for a significant other. Well anyway, I’m gonna go watch this movie.. it’s called Charisma. Should be interesting…

Dream

Just woke up from a dream. I can’t remember some of it but here’s what I do remember…

My dad, myself, Joe (from PSMK), Rebecca and one other of my female friends all went to the Carnegie Library. We were in the library for a while when we decided we should go. My dad probably drove us there, but for some reason didn’t want to drive us back so he told me to drive. Well, “driving” ended up being riding on a bike. Don’t ask me how, but Joe, Rebecca, the other girl and myself all fit onto one bike. So I drove us around the crowded streets of Oakland not knowing where I was going. I ended up going down a few flights of stairs and then, coming to a big intersection, I stopped and asked Joe where to go. He told me which way and also suggested that we switch to a bike with a basket in front instead of on the side since it would have more room for the stuff we were carrying. So, we switched bikes, and headed in the direction that Joe suggested. Then I woke up.

The Viewing

Well, it went well. I felt so bad for Grandpa. He kept sobbing and I could tell many times that he was thinking about her because he would just stare off into space… and then begin sobbing all over again. It’s hard to believe she’s really gone, but I’m so glad she’s in a better place. Through the years, I’ve cried more and been upset about her more because of her suffering than I am now because of her death. I see her death as her relief from pain, dementia and suffering. I have no doubt in my mind that she’s in heaven. She was just too good of a person and too faithful to God to be anywhere else.

The viewing was actually quite nice once the visitors came. When I first walked into the room with my family and heard Grandpa sobbing, I couldn’t help but cry. I think I was feeling sad that she’s left us, but also sad for Grandpa. All those years together… He must have so many memories and love for her. Despite all the complaining my parents do about him, I think he’s a great guy. I’m proud to have him as my grandfather even if I disagree with him sometimes. On either Saturday or Sunday, I heard my mom talking about him on the phone to someone whom I can’t remember right now. She said something like she’d be happy when he (my grandfather) gets put in the ground. I know she gets really frustrated with him because of his control over my dad, but I think that was too harsh. That made me feel really bad especially with the situation with Grandma. I guess I just don’t see what mom sees in him. I still see him as my buddy who would play Indians with me, take me on the trolley and sail little “boats” on the huge puddle on the top of his garage. I just can’t see him as a stubborn, controlling guy. He was so selfless and generous to me when I was a kid.

Well, I think I got off on a little tangent there. I meant to talk about how nice all the visitors at the funeral home were. I got to meet and talk with a lot of new people. People who knew me when I was a kid but I don’t really know them lol. I guess technically they’re not new, but whatever. They’re new to me. Rebecca was there which was nice. She’s a good friend. We talked about nice memories of my grandma for a while. About how she would always take our hands, pat them, and say “bless your heart.” Or “oooooh! Your hands are so cold!” And we talked about how she would always forget her purse or other things when the Alzheimer’s wasn’t so bad that she needed to be in a nursing home. She was so sweet :) We talked about how cute she was and how everyone always said she was cute. And how when Rebecca and I were younger, we’d always compare our heights to Grandma’s since she was so short. *sigh* I miss you Grammy. I remember that even after the Alzheimer’s started in, she could still tell me stories of when she was a kid. The one story I remember the most is when she and her brothers and sisters pushed a car down a hill together lol. I know she told me other ones but that’s the only one I remember. I wish she hadn’t gotten Alzheimer’s. I think she would’ve had so much good advice to give me during my teenage years. It would’ve been so nice to have her as someone to talk to and to vent to. And who knows how long she would’ve lived if she hadn’t gotten Alzheimer’s. I mean she was going to be 90 next week. lol I remember one time when the Alzheimer’s was first setting in and grandma and grandpa and I were all sitting at their kitchen table. And grandma couldn’t remember something and grandpa got mad at her. He said “yes you DO remember. Just THINK about it for a minute.” And she kept insisting she didn’t remember. One time she got so frustrated with herself because she couldnt remember something and she said she “just HATED” herself. It makes me so sad to remember her saying something like that. And it makes me feel sad to remember how frustrated I got with her sometimes when she couldn’t remember things. How I yelled at her sometimes. I really really really wish that Alzheimer’s wasn’t the cause of her death. It took her personality away and took HER away but left her body here for years. I often couldn’t understand or fathom why God would let this happen to such a sweet person. Someone who was SO faithful to Him. It just seemed so inhumane and torturous. I would pray that he either make her better or take her to heaven.

Hehe.. I remember how Grandma was in church. During prayer, she would randomly shout out to God with her arms raised towards heaven. You just knew it was her when you heard the shout. No one else prayed like her.

The way they made Grandma up for the viewing and funeral was pretty nice, but she just didn’t look like Grandma. Her skin was too smooth and not the right color. They also filled her mouth up with something because she lost most of her teeth so her mouth looked too wide. But her hands looked pretty much liked they did in life. I still remember how they felt. Warm, and soft and smooth. Her skin felt paper-thin and loose and her fingers seemed to come down to a point. Her fingernails just grew in a pointy way hehe. :'( I miss my Grandma. I just really wish it didn’t end this way. I wish I had had more time with her when I was older so I would have clearer and more memories of her.

I also think I should try to save up to buy a video camera… It would be nice to video tape special moments in my life…

Grandma’s Viewing

Going to Grandma’s viewing in a little bit. I hope I can handle it without crying too much.

I must have dreamed about Alain or something because I woke up this morning thinking about him and missing him so much. :( Then I rolled over on my bed and found a card that he sent me earlier this year. :(:(:(:(:( I miss my Alum so fucking much. It’s not fair…

I was cleaning out my Yahoo email and I found a picture of Grandma and Grandpa that Aunt Mary sent me a while ago. Grandma was still in the nursing home but she was looking at the camera and smiling and Grandpa was looking at her and smiling. That really set me off. I miss her. I mean how she was before Alzheimer’s. I also feel sad for Grandpa because I know he loved her so much. I hope someday someone will love me that much for that long… I thought that person would be Alain but…. guess not….:(:(:(:(:(:(

Things are changing so much right now.

Grandma Just Died

I was up late tonight (actually this morning) watching Mr. Holland’s Opus. Around 5:40AM the nursing home called. I listened in to my dad’s half of the conversation, but I knew as soon as I saw the nursing home on the caller ID. She died around 5:35AM.

I didn’t even know there was anything seriously wrong until Friday evening when my parents came to pick me up. Fortunately, I went in to see her yesterday morning so I got to say goodbye. I didn’t think it would be our last goodbye, but I guess you rarely ever do. I think the last things I said to her was “bye Grandma. I’ll see you later.” I thought I would see her again like today or the next. I don’t know why I said I’ll see you later. I’ve never said that to her before.

I’m going to miss her, but I’m glad that she’s no longer suffering from Alzheimer’s. Maybe now she can remember all the things that happened the past 10 or so years. I hope she remembers all the fun (and not so fun) times we all had when I was younger. I hope she understands why I didn’t visit her very often and forgives me for my selfishness and impatience towards her.

Awesome, I have to go now. I’ve had about 4 hours sleep in the past two days…