I miss Alain a lot. I’ve been thinking about him a lot today, about things we did together. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the thoughts that I smile and feel happy for a few moments. But, then I realize that my Alum is gone forever and I’ll never get to touch him or hold him or kiss him or do anything with him again and then I feel sad. And then, what makes me feel worse, is knowing that he doesn’t even WANT me to touch him or kiss him or talk to him again. All of this is what he WANTED. I wish I could hate him or feel anger towards him, but it still won’t come. Whenever I read something like an entry in this diary or an old email where I was complaining about him and pointing out things I didn’t like, I still don’t feel anger. Why aren’t I mad about how he treated me yet? Sometimes I feel so upset about it that my head hurts or I get dizzy for a few moments. Sometimes I pray that I will be able to stop loving him and get over him, but those prayers are only half-hearted. I don’t think I want to stop loving him. It felt too good to love him It was so safe and I thought nothing could take him away from me. I was so sure of it, of us. I thought our relationship could withstand ANYTHING. But, now when someone asks me why he broke up with me, I have to tell them that I don’t know exactly and give them a few guesses. All I really know is that he stopped loving me, but I don’t know any reasons why. I’m not sure if I’d even want to know. You don’t stop loving someone unless you want to and you force yourself to. So, for whatever reason, he forced himself to stop loving me. Maybe I’ll never know why. I’ve started praying for him again in my nightly prayers. I pray for my family, my friends and him. I just pray that God will give him a good life filled with joy and everything that he wants. I also pray that God will accept him into Heaven. He always rejected God and religions of all kinds so I know that last thing may be hard.
I feel like I’m back to being a little 13 year old girl again… being in love with a guy who doesn’t love me back. Thinking about him all the time and longing for him while he’s completely oblivious to me… :'( Wondering when the next time I’ll see him will be. And always in the back of my mind: the thought that in less than two years, when he graduates, I’ll never have the chance to see him again. He’ll go back to NY and maybe move out of his house. I may never see him again after that. And I won’t know where to even find him if I wanted to. He might have already changed email addresses and/or screen names. I’m too scared to check.
Well, anyway, the wound on my face looks ok except for the two pieces of string from the stitches coming out of it like two black hairs. I can’t go out in public without a bandaid on it lol.
Today is Jill’s birthday. I told her I’d go with her and some other people to Stillborn fest at The World. I don’t really want to go. I’m not really into the bands that are going to be there (Hatebreed, Candiria, etc.) anymore and I don’t want to spend $18-20 to see these bands that I don’t like. Also, the last time I saw Candiria it was with Alain and James. Oi, James. More bad memories. I also dont want to drive downtown or whereever this place is and pay whatever rates for parking. I also hate going out with a group and only knowing one person in the group. It’s basically like being by myself. Well, if she doesn’t call I won’t call her.. But, I dunno. It’s her birthday. I should go… Urgh, I wish my friends and I had more in common… musical interests, mutual friends, life goals, values, etc.
Damn, I’m lonely. I just wish I had someone who could take the place of Alain in my life right now. Doesn’t have to be a guy, just a person who would call me up everyday and talk to me. Hang out with me everyday or almost everyday. Someone who could make me laugh and would let me make them laugh and someone who I could just feel comfortable with and have a good time with.
I remember all those years ago when I broke up with Bobby for Alain. He told me that we wouldn’t last. Stupid bastard was right. I wonder if this is my punishment (tenfold of course) for breaking up with Bobby so cruelly. I dunno. I was only like 15 at the time. I can barely remember the break up or much about Bobby. I don’t know why I should be punished so much for something like that. I mean the last time we even talked about our relationship, he denies even loving me even though I distinctly remember us saying we loved each other and I remember how upset he was when I broke up with him. He cried. Hahah… I made a 30 yr old man cry when I was only 15! Wow, I still don’t feel much remorse about that. But, hey, he was 30 yrs old and I was only 15. He should’ve known better than I did that it wouldn’t work out and he especially shouldn’t have let it happen. Hmm.. maybe the pain he felt when I broke up with him was punishment for HIM lol. Interesting… But, if that is so, why am I in so much pain now? What did I do?
Always, in the back of my mind, I knew God would take everything away from me (everything being Alain) in order to bring me closer to him. I could just feel it. But, now, even after he’s been gone, I don’t feel much closer to him. I pray a little more sometimes and often I try to console myself by telling myself that I will find love again when the right time comes and that God wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t handle, but other than things like that, I don’t do much else. I still don’t read the Bible, I still don’t go to church. I don’t know if I could ever be a really religious person. It just doesn’t sit right with me. It’s hard for me to find interest in religion and God outside of academic curiousity or personal needs. I can’t see myself loving God more than my boyfriend or husband or mother or father. How can someone love someone that they haven’t seen or touched or had a conversation with? How can someone just love someone based upon stories and books and pictures of them, but without ever having any normal physical contact with them? Sure, very religious people will tell you that they talk to God all the time and he tells them what to do in their lives and when they do what he says everything turns out peaches and cream, but what about skeptical people? God should be talking to them more than anyone because they’re not inclined to believe in something or someone they have never seen or had contact with. And me, I ask God to tell me what I should do, but he hasn’t told me yet. If he has, I guess I missed the hint. If I missed the hint, why doesn’t God make his answer more obvious? How am I supposed to do what he says if I don’t know what he’s saying??
Grandpa wants me to come over and see him sometime before I go back to school. Dad says its because he misses me and wants to see me but I know he wants to talk to me about God and being saved. Grandpa has never “missed me and wanted to see me” since I started college. Why all of a sudden? I hate being preached at to “find God.” It’s just not that simple.