*sigh*

Well, as always, being in my room for any amount of time just sends me back in time. The smell of it, the many many many things I have from Alain or related to Alain, everything in here makes me think of him. I was hoping that maybe I would hear from him for the holidays but, Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I’m losing hope. Thankfully I will be out and about with my family tomorrow and I probably won’t have much time to think or wonder if he will email me or call or something. Most likely he won’t. :( I really miss him. I wish I could bring myself to get rid of all the stuff that reminds me of him in here.. but there’d be so much stuff.. I don’t even know where I could put it to get rid of it.

Hanging out with Carrie was pretty fun today. We played this really awesome tennis game on Xbox at the store. That was definitely the highlight of the day lol. We spent about an hour in there playing games together. I kicked some ass 😉

Well, I’m gonna get myself out of this room and maybe give the cats a flea bath.

Btw, I’m sick :(:(

Big Fish and Home

Well, I’m home. Tian and I got a ride home with Josh and his friend Lee Ann. We left at 6pm and got home around 8:30pm lol. He drove really fast. It was awesome. Lots of laughs and lots of singing along to songs on the radio :)

Since the last time I’ve been home we got some temporarily free digital cable which means we get like 400+ channels. So, I stayed up till 4am or so watching Big Fish. Pretty thought provoking. The scene near the end of the movie when the guy’s mother goes to see his father after he’s had a stroke made me think…if I ever fall in love with someone again and end up spending the rest of my life with them.. I might be in the same position as she is one day. Meaning, I might have to stand by and watch as my love dies. Or, of course, my love might die sooner than that in a car accident or something like that. Either way there’s a 50% chance I’ll have to deal with the death of my husband (I say 50% because either I would die first or he would die first). Anyway, the movie made me wonder if love is really worth it since it will always end in pain. It made me wonder if I even really want to find love again. I hate to be a wimp but I don’t want to go through this kind of pain again. It is so much worse than any physical or other emotional pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. And spending the majority of a lifetime with someone and then having them taken away… that has to be 1000 times worse than even what I feel now. Well, I guess I’ll just have to sit back and see what happens..

Btw, been doing pretty good these past 4 or so days. The weekend went well because I had a lot of work to finish before I came home. I got it all done and I just hope I get good grades on all of them.. Especially for the 310 lab.

Well, I’m really tired and I gotta get to bed so I can get up tomorrow to hang out with Carrie. :):) Yayy Carrie! I miss hanging out with her. Hopefully I wont think about Alain too much when we’re out. I don’t want to ruin it.

P.S. Been listening to Eamon’s song Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back). VERY good song for me right now. Makes me feel stronger.

To hasher: Go ahead with the dream analysis… I’d love to hear it!

Had a Dream NOT About Alain For Once!!!

Amazing right? I dreamt that my roommate was sitting in my chair and I was in my bed and she told me that she signed me up to play in some band. And I’m thinking “what the fuck did she do that for??? I don’t know how to play any instruments!” And she explains that she had to for some reason dealing with the Blue Band and that whatever songs I’d have to play in the band would be easy. I was kind of pissed off so I went to the bathroom and I was thinking about it and I realized it would be kind of cool to play in whatever band that she signed me up for. I would get to learn how to play an instrument and learn some songs and whatnot. I was mostly pissed off because she signed me up for something without even asking if it was ok with me. She was just concerned with what SHE needed to have done, not whether or not it was ok for me.

Friday

I don’t know why I get all excited about Friday nights. They’re always such a let down and never as fun as I expect them to be. Tian and I did our usual tonight. The movie at the HUB was kind of boring and Tian fell asleep during it. No games to play either.

I guess I’m kind of looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving. I’ll be getting together with Jill and hopefully with Carrie. I really miss hanging out with them. I wish Carrie could be here. She’s so much fun to hang out with. I don’t think I even told her that Alain and I broke up. If I haven’t, she’s going to be so surprised, but I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.

I can’t shake this empty feeling inside. I remember it being there when I was with Alain. I don’t know what I can do to fill it. I don’t know why I’m never truly happy. I read all kinds of messages on the BUS message board today about dating and meeting new guys. (Today at least,) I feel totally uninterested in dating. Like, it seems pointless. In my mind I’m saying to these people “why are you even trying?? You’re just looking for someone to replace the one you lost.” I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to date again. I don’t even know how to date. I don’t want to date lol. It seems like too much effort. With Alain.. everything came soooo easily. Nothing ever felt strained or like it was moving too fast. We never had to date. I never said to myself “yeah I’d really like to know more about this guy” because all I had to do was ask him whatever I wanted to know and he’d respond. Everything just clicked so easily like pieces to a puzzle. I dont even remember if someone said “hey are we boyfriend and girlfriend” or “do you want to be my bf or gf.” All I know is that we just WERE. I can’t even remember when I started being interested in him in that special way. It just grew so gradually that I didn’t see it coming and didn’t hardly notice when it was there. It just seemed natural and right that it was there. And when I was feeling that way I knew he was feeling the same way. I had no doubts or insecurities about that. It was completely mutual. I hate to be picky, but if I can’t find something like that again I dont think I want to be with anyone else.

It’s so hard to figure out what to do with my life now that he’s not in it at all. I still do things as if he were still in it. I still think about whether or not he would like what I’m doing now or whether or not he would be impressed with this or that. I think about what Alain would say if he saw me in this or that outfit and how he would react. :'( Well, now I’ve done it. I’ve gotten myself all sad and crying again. I think I might just end up spending the rest of my life waiting for him to come back to me. How can I ever accept the fact that he doesn’t love me? It’s just too much to deal with. I don’t know how to get over the denial phase. God, I’m even wanting to get an internship in Philadelphia for the summer in hopes that he’d find out about it and want to get together with me sometime.

Good Day :)

Today turned out to be pretty damn good. Apparently I improved in karate. When we were doing kumite, one of the other white belts said I got a lot better than the last time we did kumite together. He was kind of like “wow” (shocked and flabbergasted) but he didn’t actually say “wow.” And people were flinching when I punched at them 😀 That means they take my punches seriously. Also, one of Alain’s friends from McKeesport came to the club. Actually, he wasn’t really a friend. More like an annoying kid. I think he was that kid that Alain, Viraj and I all went to UP with to look at apartments. I have no idea what his name is though. Once I figured out who he was I tried to avoid him like the plague. He kept coming up to me though. Trying to guess my name and shit. He sucked so bad at karate. I had to kumite with him. He got me all screwed up lol.

Also, Tian said she saw Viraj yesterday on the way to EE310. I wasn’t with her because I had to go see my math teacher to get some help with the homework problems because he made them due on Wednesday instead of Thursday. Kind of upset that I missed seeing Viraj but I guess it wasn’t meant to happen.

I think tomorrow (Friday) is going to be a good day too. Tian seems like she wants to hang out so maybe we’ll get to see the movie at the HUB and play games there afterwards. :) Yayyy!!!

Well, wish me luck on my CSE260 quiz tomorrow! Goodnight!

Hasher Masher Bo Basher…Banana Fanna Bo…Smasher…Me My Mo Masher… HASHER

Lol sorry for that ridiculous subject heading.

Damn. That sucks about that Lee guy. He should have at LEAST told you directly what he felt about you instead of running away from you like a chicken. Actually, I dunno. From experience (check past entries for stuff on a guy named James 😉 it really really hurts to have your crush tell you they’re not interested. But, wow, you sure have guts to ask him something like that yourself. I’d be too scared to do something like that!

Hehe Yeah, I know. I can’t even pay the tuition.. lol. I’m gonna be paying off loans for the rest of my life probably… And my parents will be doing the same!