First of all, I want to thank hasher for responding to my earlier entries. It really meant a lot to me. Maybe more than you know.
Now onto the dreams I had this morning. I didn’t go to sleep until after 5am this morning. I couldn’t stop crying and thinking of him. But, I did sleep and I had a few dreams too. Unfortunately, I only remember some of the one that involved Alain. In the dream, I was reading something that he wrote to a friend about how much he missed me and that he’s sad and depressed. I don’t think there’s any significance to this dream because right before bed I read that email he sent me two weeks after we originally broke up in which he told me he thought he’d never get over me, etc. But, even though he did tell me he didn’t love me anymore when he broke up with me in person, I don’t believe that. Maybe temporarily he’s sick of being tied down to me, but 3.5 years of us loving each other makes it hard for me to believe that he could really just stop loving me so quickly and easily. I mean he sent that “I miss you” email only about a month before he broke up with me and told me he didn’t love me. The way he wrote the email…. I just don’t get it.
How did I go from that happy girl visiting my awesome boyfriend in NY, riding the train everywhere with him, kissing him, riding the bus with him and James, having fun and being generally ecstatic to THIS?? Writing in a journal that no one reads, having no human to directly tell all my feelings to. Having no one care about me, having no one understand what I’m feeling and where I’m coming from. Everything is so fucked up right now. SO fucked up. I feel like I had it all and fucked up and lost it and now I have nothing except memories. I had everything I wanted for a little while. I really think I did. 3 and 1/2 years is nothing in comparison to eternity…But, I really think it will take an eternity to forget those 3.5 years. Mostly the first year and a half. So good.. too good… I’m really feeling low right now. How many times to I have to hit the bottom before I can come to the top for good? Why did this happen? And what do I do now? No matter how much I think I’ve progressed I find out that I haven’t progressed much at all. It aches and hurts so much. This is worse than any torture. I’m practically in disbelief that the sun still rises and life still goes on. For me, it has stopped. For me, it’s crashing down and in chaos. How can I ever say goodbye to someone I love so much? I miss him so much. It doesn’t even feel like it’s been 1 and 1/2 months since I’ve even seen him. His memory is so fresh in my mind. I feel like it was just yesterday that we talked. It’s been MONTHS since we’ve kissed but I remember it so clearly. This feels so wrong. I thought he was the person I would spend the rest of my life with and he expressed the same feelings… Please God tell me this is a dream.. This is going beyond agony to unbearable.
Just spent the past hour and a half reading some of the past entries I wrote in here. Seems like 90% of the entries I wrote that involved Alain were negative. Also about 60% or so were about how lonely and depressed I feel. Right now I’m feeling that lonely/depressed feeling again. But, anyway, I think LOGICALLY Alain and I were not very good for each other. He was too independent and I was too dependent. He couldn’t give me what I wanted and I ended up feeling depressed and bad about myself for that. But, emotionally, I still love him and I would probably still get back together with him if he asked. Too bad he won’t ask I don’t even know how long it’s been since we had any contact with each other. I stopped counting. Less than two months though…
A little while ago I was thinking that I’m really not sure that I’ll ever find someone else to love me. I guess I’m scared about that. I want to feel that love Alain and I had the first year or so of our relationship again. But, I want that love to last for the rest of my life.. I don’t want it to end like our relationship did. I’m also really scared about my future. I don’t know what I want to do with it and I’m scared to be alone in it. Possibly for the rest of it. There’s really no guaruntee that I’ll ever have love again. I’m really really terrified. Not because I couldn’t handle it, but because… hmm I dunno. I guess I won’t have someone to encourage me when I need it and I won’t have someone to come home to and talk to intimately. And no one will really KNOW me. Sometimes I thought Alain didn’t even really know me… I guess he didn’t.. I feel very alone right now. Don’t even have Alain to look forward to talking to… Don’t have much of anything to look forward to. Nobody is interested in listening to my life and my problems anymore.. I have nobody to encourage me or to tell me I’m pretty. Right now I don’t see any reason to live life. I fear death, but maybe not as much as I used to. I don’t know what will happen when I die but, I’m sort of looking forward to it right now.
I feel like I’m just going through the motions of my life. I’m working towards a degree I don’t want anymore. I don’t know what kind of job I will get with this degree or even if I will like or want the job. :(:(:( What’s the point??? Why should I still do any of this?? I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. I remember driving in my car one night feeling really depressed and upset.. I was driving fast and thinking about crashing the car on purpose to kill myself. But, then I thought of Alain… I can’t do that anymore… Thinking of him now makes me want to kill myself even more. I don’t have a reason to live anymore. People say “live for yourself.” I say: why? how? and most of all why?? I bring nothing of worth to this world. I have nothing to offer.
Well today started out really good. I was excited about dressing up nicely and wearing my spiderweb earrings in celebration for Halloween. I was also excited about going out with Tian tonight. But, I did all of those things, enjoyed them and now I’m home and feeling depressed. I don’t know why. It’s not because of Alain either. I just feel unhappy and I don’t know why. Feels like there’s something missing in my life….what could it be? I don’t think it’s Alain or a boyfriend for that matter. Because I’ve felt like this sometimes even when I went out with him. Well, hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.
I’m kinda excited about Halloween coming up this weekend. Not that I have any special plans for that day, other than watching scary movies I was sort of invited to a Halloween party tomorrow night but I most likely won’t go since I dont have a costume and I dont know anyone there except for George whom I don’t like all that much. It’s George’s party and the only reason I got “sort of” invited was because Tian mentioned it to me in front of him.
Oh well… So I was in the IST building today hoping to catch my 260 teacher in his office. He wasn’t there… and on my way back out of the IST building I saw that kid that sits next to me in 317. I was looking at the student photographs on the wall and I turned my head to the front and there he was right in front of me sitting at a table doing work or something. He was obviously looking at me cuz the second I turned my head towards him he jerked his head down and covered his face with his hand lol. Caught you, you little….hot bastard
Another weird thing… Mike (from Butler) sent me a weird text message today (actually probably last night)… Said “I love you baby…Sleep tight.” I dunno why he said that. I responded with “What??” but he didnt respond to my response. So I’m not responding to any more of his text messages until he explains that shit. I’m sick of most of the guys I talk to lol. Konrad pisses me off, Mike pisses me off, George pisses me off lol, but that’s to be expected… cmon its GEORGE. Why does Konrad piss me off you ask? Well, he talks to much to me. I wasted a whole Saturday just listening to him talk about fucking politics and whatever else came to his mind. I even let myself look bored but he STILL kept talking and talking and talking. He thinks he’s my fucking “advisor.” He always offers to help me out in classes, but when I actually take him up on this offer he doesn’t know how to do anything… DUDE STOP OFFERING!!! He also hugs me too much. DUDE STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME!!!! lol. Why does Mike piss me off you ask? Well, he said he loved me and I know he doesn’t. I don’t know why he said that and I don’t appreciate it. He also is NEVER happy and we never talk about much of anything. He has no goals in life and although he’s a very nice guy, he just doesn’t seem to have much to offer even as a friend. He’s not much fun… Why does George piss me off you ask?? lol Well! He’s loud, rude, has a childlike appearance and is cocky and gets good grades in classes that he doesn’t even show up for half the time. He talks through class and still gets better grades than me when I pay attention. Bastard! Ok enough complaining today.
Had a math 231 test last night. Probably did badly on it. I didn’t know how to do a lot of stuff. The second I got home I went online and requested a tutor for that class. Hopefully, the learning center will come through for me!
OH I forgot another dude that pisses me off. Justin! The fucking weirdo called me up the other day and left this horrible voice message. There was no point to it. All he managed to say was about 10,000 “uhs” and “ums”. I’ve never heard someone do something like that. My mouth just fell open when I heard it… I mean wow. How could anyone get THAT nervous on the phone. If you’re going to call me up, Justin, please have something to SAY. Then he sent me a message the same day asking me what I think the world will be like in 20 years. He always asks me weird shit like that. I don’t get him. I don’t want to get him. I want him gone!!
Well, I’ve been doing pretty well the past 2 or so days. Haven’t cried, haven’t thought as much about Alain as I used to… But, I still think about him a lot. I try to replace thoughts of him with thoughts of other guys or thoughts of things I want to be doing in the near future… just simple things like which homework I have to get done, what I need to do when I get back to my room, etc. If I find myself feeling really lonely and depressed I will go to that break up survival group and read messages and tips there. That usually really helps. And at the very least I will just go take a shower and cry it all out then go to bed. Maybe things are getting better? Maybe I will start to enjoy being single… I think I’m already starting to enjoy it. Ok I really need to do some hw so I’m gonna go now.
Well, despite the bad dream I had earlier, today was a pretty good day. I spent about 6-7 hours with Konrad. We went to the mall, Jimmie John’s and walked around campus for 2-3 hours. He’s a really nice guy, a little awkward though. I just hope he doesn’t have any romantic interest in me because I definitely don’t have any in him. I just want to stay friends. I just noticed that he was hugging me and touching me a lot…
Just woke up about 30 mins ago from a dream about Alain. In the dream I guess I asked him to come over so that I could give him back his stuff. Most of it was clothes and I distinctly remember handing back to him that C++ textbook he gave me. I was tempted to say something like “remember when you gave me this book?” but I didn’t and I avoided saying much to him. It hurt because he didn’t say much to me and he didn’t seem to care. I really wanted to talk to him about us being friends so I told him to come back after he took all his stuff home so that we could talk. I don’t exactly remember his response, but I think he said Ok. :(:(:( Sometimes this just doesn’t seem real. How could he tell me he loved so much for 3.5 years then one summer.. just stop loving me? Did he ever really love me? I’m pretty sure he did.. though I wish I could convince myself that he never did. Maybe all of this would be easier on me. I wish I never went to see him in NY because thats where my best memories of us take place. The first time I took Greyhound to NYC and I walked down the stairs of the bus and looked inside the building and there he was with his Texas is the Reason hoodie and headphones on. That evening that he took me downport for the first time.. the sun was setting and we were skipping rocks in the water. I still remember how he looked that day… how beautiful everything was. I wish that day never happened. It was too perfect.. too beautiful and romantic. Now it just tortures me.
It’s been 20 days of no contact… feels like so much longer. And 38 days since we broke up…Coming up on 6 weeks. Still doesn’t feel real.
Well, it’s been a few days since I wrote in here. I’ve been doing alright. I was glad to get back to UP after the weekend at home. Home is really boring… especially without a TV in my room. And I didn’t feel like I had enough time to hang out with anyone so I didn’t call anyone. Jill called me though. I didn’t call her back… I’m a horrible friend I’ve been feeling guilty about how I treated Alain lately. The James thing and everything else. I want to ask about it on the break up message board, but I’m afraid everyone will tell me I deserve what I got. I told Mike about it online (Mike from Butler) and he didn’t think it was too big of a deal. On a scale of small, medium and large he gave it a medium lol. It really sucks because I want to be able to find all these things that I didn’t like in Alain and things that will make me feel like I’m better off without him, but with all these guilty feelings, I can’t. I feel like the bad guy. Was I? Was I justified in acting like I did because I didn’t feel satisfied in the relationship? I don’t know
But, on a lighter note, I really like that kid in my 317 class that sits next to me. Hmm.. well I don’t know if I really LIKE him… but I definitely want to fuck the shit out of him lol. I think he has his eye on me too because I catch him staring at me every once in a while and whenever I walk into the room he watches me. I like that I’m going to avoid guessing what his personality is like because I’ve never really talked to him. But, from what I’ve seen, he seems shy around girls but very nice otherwise. I like the fact that I never see him with a girl around campus. To me, this says that he’s single lol. But, I must try to avoid getting too wrapped up in my little crush. Most likely nothing will come of this… :-/
I had a dream just before I woke up today. I was attempting to have sex with some guy who looked a little like Alain from behind, but not in the face. I think in the dream I was trying to pretend that it was Alain. It wasn’t that bad but, it wasn’t that great either… I can’t believe Alain’s really gone… I don’t think I like coming home…Leaves me too much time to sit around and think about us. I’ve been praying for a sign from God that everything will be ok but I don’t think I’ve really received that sign yet. But, I used to pray for everything to be fixed between Alain and I and that obviously didn’t happen. I used to pray for my family and friends’ and Alain’s safety everynight before bed. I don’t do that anymore. Mostly because I’m at college and I share a room with another person so I don’t want to pray with her there in the room. Ok I gotta get out of this room before I start crying.