Kuck

I woke up around 7:45 this morning and felt fine. I ran to EEEast to turn in my lab report then came back to my room and then went down to the computer lab to work on EE317 work. I came back up to the room to work on EE310 hw and then I started feeling really sick to my stomach. It’s like 1:30pm now and I still dont feel well :(:( And I keep thinking about Alain and some of the good times we had together. Don’t know why but kept thinking about the times we went downport and that time that we were driving in his car on LI and he got pissed off at this woman on the road and was yelling at her and she was yelling back. I think I even wrote a diary entry about that the day it happened…:'( I can’t believe it’s really over. I can’t believe he broke up with me. I really truly thought that he meant it when he said he’d never leave me unless I cheated on him. I also believed him when he said he’d be a mess if we ever broke up. He was only a mess for maybe two weeks when we originally broke up online. :( I’m only worth a few weeks of sadness? I thought he loved me. I thought he really loved me. There’s too much stress for me to handle right now. I just got a 0 on my CSE331 quiz. And there’s three tests next week all in my hardest subjects. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

And To Add More Shit to the Pile…

Just got off the phone with my mom. Looks like this is my last year in college unless I can pull about $18000 out of my ass. Yeah.. just to give me something to look forward to. Now I’m really fucked. I’m going to have to work some crappy low brow job for two or more years to just pay for another semester at Penn State. Maybe I could get an internship? Oi.. I don’t even want to think about it. I wish I had someone sort of like Alain who I could always come to when things got bad. Someone who would encourage me and have faith in me. I feel sooooo alone in all of this. And so abandoned. By everyone: Alain, my friends back home, my family. I dont think I can deal with so much stress. Even though I have no choice. I’m definitly stressed out though. I have white hair… Tian’s pulled out a few of them already and I’ve seen one more. :/

Bad Week So Far…

Yeah, it’s not been a very easy week for me so far. School is really stressing me out and when I’m not stressing out about school I’m missing Alain and being depressed about all of that. I want to believe that he’ll come back to me someday but, I know that if he really loved me nothing could keep him away from me. And looking back at the last two and a half years we spent together, things weren’t that great. Like, it was difficult to get him to come see me sometimes and he kept putting other things before me.. his friends, drinking, etc. I guess it’s not so much that I want the relationship and everything back, its just that a big big BIG chunk of my life has been ripped away and it really hurts to think that he doesn’t love me anymore. I’ve been running all the bad things I’ve done to him through my head and wondering if they all added up to him leaving me. I’m wondering if I deserve all of this and if it’s really my fault. :( My life feels so empty. I don’t know why I even go on sometimes. I still feel like I don’t have a purpose in life anymore. I mean there’s a lot of things I want to do but, sometimes I think like “well, once I do that, then what? So what if I get a great job in NYC or study abroad in the UK or Italy? What difference does it make?” I don’t know if this even makes sense, but I just feel like no matter what I might someday accoplish or do, it doesn’t really matter and it won’t make me truly happy even after I accomplish or do it… That’s the best way I can describe this feeling. But, I don’t always feel like this. My moods swing like craaazy. Two mins from now I might be extremely happy. *sigh* I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know what I want for my life and what I really want to do with it. When I had Alain, everything was simple: graduate, get a good job and live with him wherever. Living with him was the most important part though. I felt like I could’ve been happy anywhere in the world as long as I was with him. I felt like I could’ve been happy doing anything for a living as long as I was with him.

And I’m really worried that I’ll never find love again and that I’ll never get over Alain. I remember my life before Alain and I guess I just think that’s how things will be from now on. I remember always being alone and very rarely having boys speak to me. None were ever interested in me. I would look forward to just getting home from school so that I could play video games and forget the day. Even then, when I was a young teenager, I was depressed and unhappy with my life. Hmm maybe that’s why I couldn’t have a successful relationship with Alain? I dunno. Probably a lot of reasons why we couldn’t have a successful relationship. By the end of it, we were just too different. When we met we were so similar. We could chat for hours on end… sometimes about two or three different subjects at once. It was amazing. I’ve never had chats with people like that before. At least not online. Geez.. I’m doing to really really miss him.

Well, I have developed some interest in other guys I have classes with. Most of whom I’ve talked to a little before. But, you know how I am… I fall in love with any guy who talks to me. I’m an idiot. A week or so ago I was thinking about my lab partner Matt, but I think I’ve lost some interest in him because he never sends me the oscilloscope pictures on time lol. I.e. he’s unreliable. Nice guy though. Another guy is in my cse260 class. He usually sits next to me and we chat a little sometimes. He’s very very nice. And the other guy is in my ee317 class and also sits next to me. We’ve never actually talked though. And I don’t know why I’m at all interested in him. But, he does have these amazing blue eyes. They’re like.. WOW! So gorgeous! Like the ocean. And they’re even more startling because he has such dark features, darker hair, tanned skin. Sort of Italian looking except for those eyes…

Also, I’m still doing good with the goal I mentioned earlier: haven’t checked Alain’s profile. I will wait until Monday to do so if I feel the need. After that I will shoot for two weeks and so on. Argh… it’s so hard to believe that after all this time he just doesn’t love me anymore. How is that possible????????????????????????????

Two Weeks of No Contact…

Today is two weeks of NC. He hasn’t tried to contact me either. The more I think about it the more I think that he couldn’t have ever really loved me. Love doesn’t fade away. Especially after only 1-2 months… And someone who loves me wouldn’t put me through this kind of pain. Right now, I just hope that he someday feels this same feeling: to love someone but have them tell him that they don’t love him anymore. To have them tell him to get over it and move on with his life after they’ve become his life and his reason to live. I thought I WAS his life and one of his reasons to live… I thought I was something special to him. But, I think all that kind of stuff ended about a year after we started going out. I can’t believe I let myself fall in love and stay with him for so long. It’s just so sad and depressing now. And I don’t know how I can ever go a day without reliving the memories I have of us together. That’s the worst part. The memories of the happy times and times when I felt like I was the center of his world. The memories of him getting so upset when I got mad at him and him kneeling on the floor hugging my knees begging for forgiveness or for me not to leave him. Memories of all my trips to NY and all his visits here. Including the first… when we first met. And the very very very worst is the thought of the nicknames we had for each other… No one else will ever call me Boopie again. For some reason I think I’ll miss that the most. We were so perfect for each other in the beginning. What happened??

Even though I have him blocked on AIM, I have another sn that I use to just check for him online sometimes. He’s usually on. And his profile says “Te amo” which means I love you. I want to know why.

It’s a little after 8AM. I’m up wayyy too early this morning. But, that’s because I had to turn in an EE317 assignment before 8AM to get full credit. It was supposed to be in on Friday but that class is ridiculously hard for me and I couldn’t finish it before last night. I have no idea what’s going on in it.

Nice

Like one or two days ago I met about four guys in the elevator in my building. They all live on this floor. They all introduced themselves to me at the same time and I didn’t remember a single name (they told me their names and within a second I had already forgotten it lol). And tonight (about an hour ago) one of them said “hey Jen” to me. I can’t believe he remembered my name!! I had to ask for his name again though.. :/ Sort of embarassing. It’s Jason though.. I hope! Asian Jason.. lol.

Today

It’s almost been two weeks since I’ve seen or talked to Alain… Kinda depressing that he hasn’t even tried to contact me since then. I still have hope that he will though.. Don’t ask me why lol.

Well, other than those kinds of thoughts in the back of my mind, today was pretty good. The EE310 homework due today was sooo hard and even Tian and the TA and the professor couldn’t figure out one of the problems. But, at least I got all the other problems done correctly and I have until Sunday or something to finish my EE317 homework.

Hmm.. AJ didn’t respond to my note yet :

After classes Tian and I went out to get some food and then went to see Spiderman 2 at the HUB. Pretty good movie but sooo long. And amazingly I could watch the kissing scences without getting very upset. I was thinking of Alain at those times, but I was just sort of numb. Not really thinking that we should be like that and yet not really thinking that we aren’t meant to be. I just hope I’m not somehow tricking myself into thinking I’m ok already when I’m really not. I hope I’m not somehow making things worse.. Though I don’t feel like I’m forcing myself to not care or not be upset all the time. Oh well, I’m so tired right now (only slept 3 hours last night!) so I’m going to bed.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Mike (MyZ23) is getting a little weird. Well, not really weird, but he just seems to like me more and more with each passing day and I have no idea why. Like last week he was calling me everyday even though I never answered. And tonight I just came online for a few mins and he pops up saying that he missed talking to me (even though it’s only been like two days) and that he was just thinking about me. The more I get to know him the less I like him. He just doesn’t seem to have much of a personality anymore. Also, he’s not really ambitious or very attractive. Not my kinda guy…

List of Things That Would Make Me Feel Good

I’m reading this book called Letting Go to help me get past this break up and one of the things for me to do this week is to make a list of things that would make me feel good if I did them and try to complete some of them. So here’s my list:

1. Complete Mafia lol
2. Read more books for pleasure
3. Build a model car like I used to when I was younger
4. See if I’m still interested in prehistoric times and dinosaurs
5. Play and complete a lot more video games
6. Create my own video game that is successful (yeah, I know that’s a long shot)
7. Take a class on cartoon or anime drawing
8. Learn more Chinese from Tian
9. Learn other languages like Italian, Spanish, French, Slovak, etc.
10. Gain new and more friends
11. Rent The Passion of the Christ
12. Go see one of the new movies out right now (The Forgotten, Resident Evil 2!!)
13. Tone up my thighs and butt so I can feel more confident in tight pants
14. Get all A’s this semester (I wish!!)
15. Put new and better headlights and tail lights on my Honda (so that it will be pimpin’ lol)
16. Get better at karate
17. Relearn the violin
18. Earn a scholarship or two (or ten)
19. Buy new and more in style clothing and actually be confident enough to wear it!!
20. Clean my closet and my room
21. Iron my clothes
22. Buy posters for my room to give it more personality!
23. Learn how to rollerblade and rollerblade to class or just for fun
24. Read the Bible and more about God and Christianity
25. Learn more about psychology
26. Learn more about computers
27. Take a painting class
28. Get certified in something
29. Create an eportfolio
30. Get an internship in NYC or just somewhere in the NYC area or NJ
31. Get into the Envisioneers
32. Participate in the WEP and SWE
33. Get a good job and start a life in NJ or NYC area
34. Finish this Russian class!! (Argh it’s still not finished! I have no time!!)
35. Complete my EE317, CSE260 and EE310 homework before the weekend is through
36. Get rid of acne

Ok, that’s all I can think of for now. I think I will go start on #1 and cleaning my closet and room.

P.S. Tian taught me a Chinese tongue twister today. It goes something like this…

E pyoung pen mian
Law e pyoung pen byoung
pen pyoung byoung, byoung pyoung pen

Ok my spelling is absolutely awful probably but this is how it seems to be prounounced. Some things I just don’t know how to write in English, but this is the best I could do. She also taught me “hello” in Chinese: ne how ma. I’m worse at hello than I am with the tongue twister at this point lol.

The Sadness Creeps Back In…

It’s past midnight right now and I’m up late trying to do some homework. I have a ton of shit I have to finish and I don’t understand how to do it #1 and #2 I don’t have enough time to do it all. I’m really frustrated with myself and I really hate this major. And I suppose all these frustrated feelings caused me to think about Alain. I just feel so unloved…I haven’t cried in a few days but I’m almost about to now. I just wish classes would ease up a little bit with the homework so I had enough time to finish it all and understand it all. The classes go too fast for me to learn. :'( I feel like such a retard. Everyone else seems to understand more than I do and is at least able to do one or two of the homework questions on their own, but I can’t even manage to do that much. The very first question on the EE310 homework confuses the hell out of me and I can’t even begin to think of a way to solve the problem. Every week it just gets worse and worse. And I’m so mad because my GPA will definitely go down now and I know I can do better if I JUST HAD ENOUGH FREAKING TIME!!!

Hmm.. Something Interesting

I’m just sitting here re-reading all my diary entries from the beginning and I’ve noticed that usually when I felt bad about myself it was because Alain didn’t treat me well or wasn’t giving me enough attention. I also noticed that even two years ago I was thinking that he and I should call it quits. I think once I’m over Alain I will be much better off. He just couldn’t treat me how I wanted to be treated and was completely unable to satisfy me.

It’s so sad to say goodbye to him. But, it’s for the best.

Went to the Art of Living Intro meeting today. The course sounds like a great way to destress and stuff, but they want $125. I dunno if I should bother. I’m sure I could just find ways to destress in a book from the library. Yeah.. I’m definitely not going to waste my money.

I have a cold today. Actually, I’ve had it since yesterday, but today is much worse. I’m always on the verge of a sneezing fit. It really sucks. I hope I can get rid of it soon so I can concentrate on schoolwork.

I really can’t believe how well I’m taking this break-up with Alain. I used to think that it would be the end of the world, but I think I will eventually be much happier without him. I’ll be able to be happier with myself and learn more about myself and learn how to really love myself. I’m already becoming much happier with my looks. I love looking at myself in the mirror now. I think I’m really attractive and my only complaint now is that I would really like to tone up my body and make it stronger looking. Yes, I think sugerdancer was right: this may be a blessing in disguse. Btw, thank you for the comment sugerdancer!!