Well, I’ve been living in the dorms for about two days now. It’s Monday night and I moved in on Saturday. It sucks a lot so far. I haven’t met a lot of new people. Just one or two from Tian’s dorm and a few from my dorm whom I haven’t seen since the general introduction. Haven’t talked to Alain since Thursday or Friday. I’m really fucking lonely right now. If I was ever depressed and lonely at home, I’m 10 times that here. At least at home I had a few friends to hang out with every once in a while and I could play with my cats and hang out with my parents. Here, all I really do is hang out with Tian. She’s great, but I’d like to have some other friends. I hate being so dependent upon her to keep me busy. I also hate that she knows I’m so dependent upon her.
Today I got up around 8:30AM to attend some College of Engineering meeting. Met Tian before going to the meeting and we were late by 5-10 mins. After that we went to some women in engineering meeting and they had bagels and grapes and bananas. I ate a bagel and a banana and then they took us on a tour of the campus. I got really sick to my stomach and had to quit the tour and go lay down on the ground. I also really hurt my feet because I wore flip flops. I didn’t think I’d have to do so much walking!! Now I’m just walking around on these dirty floors in my bare feet. I saw Megan Haugh today too. We walked together and chatted for a few minutes. She looks really really strange. In high school she had a bit more weight on her, but now she’s really skinny. But her face and head now look too big for her body. Very weird.
I’ve been sitting in my room for about three hours. Chatted for a few of those hours, but now everyone I was chatting with got off and I’m lonely again. I feel like such a big loser. I can never make friends… I think about killing myself so much. Thinking of the scene it would make. How it would upset my parents and Alain.
I wanted to send this to alain, but I think it’s too emotional to send right now. i’m gonna sleep on it and see how i feel in the morning…
look i’m really confused right now and I need some answers. we’ve been apart for three months and i think that’s been plenty of time to think about what you want. you sent me that email last week and it seemed very sincere, but now when i talk to you online you act like you never sent that email and you didnt even respond to the questions i asked you in my response. now that i think about it, you DID “ruin me.” everything used to be pretty good between us and i used to feel so special and safe and happy but now everything is really fucked up. i dont know why you would want to start over. and i dont know where you want to start over from. i really really wish i didn’t love you so much because this is just torture anymore. i know that if someone really loved me they would want to try to make me happy and I would want to make them happy. but you dont seem to want to make me happy at all. you seem to want to make yourself happy above all else. you broke up with me and listened to me cry on the phone and you didnt care. even if you were just acting like you didnt care thats really fucked up. if you were just acting like you didnt care.. i mean why would you even do that if you cared at all? then when i im’ed you and told you i couldnt live without you forever and then you told me how happy you were without me. i can’t even think about that without sobbing. then a little while later you find out that i’m talking to other guys online trying to find new love and you all of a sudden realize you “love me” and “want me” and all of that other shit. and you know that’s all it was. shit. i wish i didn’t give a fuck about you. i wish i wasnt typing this out and about to send it to you. i wish i already met someone else who really loved me and wouldnt treat me like a nobody. like i’m not important to him at all. like i’m not his gf. wait, i’m not even your gf am i? but you’re still stringing me along… saying “just wait till we can talk at UP… cmon just wait a few more weeks.” well waht am i waiting for? for you to tell me you want a casual relationship again? so you can go about your business as if i’m not your gf and maybe send me an IM or call me once or twice a week? why am i waiting for that? i’m really upset right now… crying. i havent cried in a while. i didnt let myself. i didnt want to think about things like this. i forced myself to believe that you really wanted me and loved me and wanted a real relationship with me.. that i just had to wait until we got to UP… but now i realize that if you really wanted a relationship with me you wouldnt want to wait till UP.. and you wouldnt make me wait until then either. also, you wouldnt want to wait until the SECOND week of school before talking to me.. you would want to do it at the first possible time.
i know i haven’t been perfect to you all the time and i know you still have a problem with james, mike and todd. but theres nothing i can say or do to help you get over that stuff and it’s been over two years since the james thing and just about as long since the mike thing. if you can’t get over it then theres no way we can have a relationship. if you dont trust me then what can we base a relathionship on? trust is very important and its very necessary. i apologize again for putting you through those things, but i’ve apologized so much and it doesnt seem to do much good for you.
i’m so sad and upset right now. it feels like the first day you broke up with me all over again. i’m crying so hard i’m making myself sick. what makes it worse is that you’ll read this and probably get mad or just not care at all. and i’ll get no response either. i cant sleep with Iger anymore.. i dont want to get my hopes up. you told me the only thing that could make me leave you was if i cheated on you.. but i never cheated on you.. but you still left me. and you were so mean and cold about it.. so uncaring. i dont know how i can let myself love you anymore. i wish i could just turn the feelings off and leave you and never look back. but its just impossible for me to do. i can’t stop loving you and wanting you. and i hate it so much because you don’t make me happy anymore. i feel worse after talking to you than i did before i talked to you. whatever happiness you give me is taken away so fast. and still i stay. anyone with an ounce of self respect would leave you. they wouldve left you 2 years ago. but nope.. not me. i’m still here. i’m still sad. and i still love you. and you take whatever you want from this relationship and give me nothing in return. i get no satisfaction, no peace, no knowledge that you’ll be there tomorrow or the next day or anytime in the future. i can’t beleive you would ever leave me for so long. you really had me fooled heh. i really really thought you loved me and would never leave me. i was so confident. but you got me. good job. are we even now? all that anger you had towards me becauseof the james, mike and todd things. well now i have it towards you. are we even yet? you dont trust me, i dont trust you. you’re angry at me, i’m angry at you.
Just called my roommate a few hours ago. I was really nervous and I had been putting it off for days… or actually weeks. The phone call didn’t go like I had planned (I had a script of sorts all written out lol), but it still went well. I got all the information I needed and that’s all I really wanted out of the phone call. I asked her a lot of questions about herself, but she didn’t ask me hardly anything about myself. In fact, she asked only one question about me: “are you a morning person or a night person?”
Also, Alain and I are planning to get back together once school starts and we can talk in person. So I feel pretty good right now. We don’t talk online very much though and he doesn’t say I love you before he leaves… So, I guess we’re going back to normal. Honestly, I was hoping that if we ever got back together, he would want to try harder to make me happy. And when I read that email he sent me, I thought he would definatly want to change how he was acting. But, no changes yet. Hopefully, some changes will happen at UP.. Good ones…
Alain and I didn’t really break up till last Friday.. or as I prefer to remember it, last Sunday. One week ago. God I wish he would call me so much. He IM’ed me on Friday. I was an hour or so late for work, so it was about 10AM. And I was putting my clothes on for work and he said “hey.” I said “hey” back. He asked how I was. And I messed up and said “you. how are you?” instaed of “good. how are you?” lol. Then I corrected myself. He said he missed talking to me… a lot. Then he told me the hours he was working that day and then I told him I was late for work and we both said bye. No “I love yous” anymore. I’ve cried so much this week. It’s been the longest week of my life. I just want to die. I just want the pain to stop. I want him to love me again. I want to kiss him again and have him call me boopie again. I want to touch him again and see him again and call him again and talk to him again and IM him again. I don’t know how I’m ever going to stop loving him. I don’t know why he wanted to leave me.
Yesterday I found a profile he put up on Yahoo at the beginning of June. He put a recent photo of himself up before he even gave me that photo. I got really upset about that last night.