This is It I Guess

I don’t even know how to start this or even how to say this. I think Alain and I are really coming to an end. I don’t know what to do. I love him so fucking much, but I can’t stand not being important and hardly even wanted in his life. We haven’t broke up yet, but we’re going to talk about what to do tomorrow (hopefully). God this hurts so much. I feel so alone right now. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with breaking up with him. I really hope we don’t have to. I really want to work something out. He’s just placing me, for whatever reason, last on his list of priorities. Work, money, his friends, working out, are all more important. He can barely think of something nice to say about me. We hardly talk about anything anymore. He NEVER calls NEVER emails. Oh God.. what happened to my sweet Alum? He’s there in the flesh, but he’s not the same person anymore. And I don’t think he loves me as much anymore. And I know I didn’t do anything wrong this time to spark this.

Ok gotta stop crying. Maybe we can work something out tomorrow. I would say “pray for me,” but I’ve already tried that and never got an answer. Or maybe Alain’s disinterest and distance IS the answer. But I used to always pray that God would never take Alain away from me. And now here it is, actually happening. And I can’t do shit about it. :(:(:(:( I’d give anything for him to love me like he used to. To want me like he used to. We used to be so perfect for each other. How am I ever going to get over this? How do you deal with losing love like this? I guess it happens all the time.. Never thought it would happen to me.

Most Recent Breakup, Work Achievements

Well, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote in here….

Last Friday I went out with Todd to see the movie “Saved!” The movie was pretty cool but Todd was such an idiot. First, he came into my car drunk and spilled beer in my car and on me. He also brought cookies and something from Taco Bell into the theater and fucking tried to make me eat it right there in line for the tickets. He was running around the place screaming and I was so embarassed. Then in the theater he wouldn’t shut up and after a while he probably wasn’t paying attention to the movie because he would only laugh after I laughed or after other ppl in the theater laughed first. I think he thought we were going on a date or something cuz he made a big deal about trying to open the door for me and I think he was staring at me during the movie. URGH. Going to see that movie with him was the dumbest idea I ever had. I should’ve learned my lesson after the first time we hung out. But, I blocked him and haven’t talked to him since. Fuck him, the disgusting prick bastard.

Then, after that on Saturday, I tell Alain that I went to the movie with Todd and Carrie and her bf couldn’t go and he got pissed off and broke up with me. Which makes no sense because 1) it’s not like I was hiding it from him like Todd and I were actually going on a date. I told him one or two days in advance (which he also got pissed about and stopped talking to me until Saturday). 2) Todd was my friend from high school and I made it clear to him many times that it was NOT a date. And 3) I tried to get Carrie and her bf and/or Becky to go, but Carrie and her bf couldn’t go and Becky was in NY. So we were broken up for four days. He never talked to me unless I said something to him first. We got back together last Tuesday night.

Things started off alright I guess. We talked a lot about sex and erotic stuff for the first few days, but he hasn’t changed and I still seem to be of little importance to him. He makes no effort to spend time with me online and he never calls (cuz it’s just ever so expensive). He works every day that he can as much as he can, works out everyday and goes out with his friend pretty much everyday. He also goes to parties every weekend night. A few days ago (during sex talk of course) he got really excited about me coming over and told me to come over early. Me, being the idiot that I am, took him seriously and told my parents to try to take me to NY in the middle of this month. But then today he tells me that he’s not going to take any time off for me to come over and isn’t going to cut back on his 3+ hour work outs either. So really there won’t be any time to spend with me and there’s no point in me coming over. I should’ve expected something like that from him.

Well, on an unrelated topic… last Tuesday was my first day with the kids from the Math & Science Camp. I think it went pretty well, but I wasn’t very familiar with all the activities we did with them, so sometimes I felt kind of dumb. But, the group of kids that I had were very nice. I was surprised they were so nice.