I’m feeling depressed again now. I feel so alone. I feel like I’m not getting much support from people in my life other than Alain. He’s a really awesome guy, but I guess I need more people behind me and encouraging me. When he’s not around is the worst. Sometimes I even feel bad when I’m with him…like I’m such a loser that he is nearly my entire social life. Last night I felt down too, but it was because I was thinking of what some people have said about me and to me. I was also feeling guilty for coming in between Alain and James and wishing I had done things differently. I was also thinking about what Alain’s mom said about me. She might still say negative things about me, but if Alain knows I don’t think he’ll tell me or maybe she just doesn’t say it in front of him anymore.
I just found a website that gave a few tips on how to make friends. The main tip was “smile and seem cheerful and friendly.” It makes sense I guess, but the rare times when I’m in a really good mood and smiling for no reason, I don’t get a more positive response. I don’t get more people having conversations with me or anything. I find it so hard to act happy and confident when I’m neither. I guess Alain’s right: I just give off negative vibes that people want to get away from.