I’m feeling really alone right now. I took a really long bath and cried a lot. It helped I guess. I’ve barely seen Alain since last Saturday (it’s Thursday now) and he’s leaving tomorrow to go to UP for the weekend so I guess I won’t see him till Sunday and maybe not even Sunday.
I just want to give up. On everything. School, Alain, me, everything. I jsut want to sit somewhere alone and rot.
The past two days have kind of sucked. My moods were swinging up and down within minutes. Everyday at school is so lonely. Even though I’m surrounded by people, it seems like no one wants to talk to me. In physics lab no one in my group worked with me. I felt like such an idiot, but I guess it’s ok. I’ll have time to actually work on physics. Also, I made an idiot out of myself at the library. I got an email in my webmail account with subject Library Notice. I didnt read the email so I just went to the library and told them I had a bunch of books on hold. They couldn’t find the books, about three people were searching for them. Everyone was staring at me. Eventually I just said I’d come back later, but then I sat down and actually read the email and it said that those books were DUE, not ready for me to pick up. So today I avoided the library… I sat in my hot car for almost two hours. It sucked.
I have hardly talked to Alain the past few days. But he did come to see me yesterday when I was eating lunch with Tian. That was sooo sweet I was so happy to see him. Hopefully I will see him tonight after his class. I’m going to try to wait outside his class door till he comes out Then surprise him and pull down his pants… nah lol
It seems like I only have time to write in here on the weekends which really sucks because by this time the energy and enthusiasm for what happened during the week has gone.
Well, I will start with today. I worked from 9-1 earlier today and I had to work with Nick instead of Bret. Bret finally got some Saturdays off. I won’t see him next week when I work either because he’s going to NY I would rather work with him than with any of the other people. So yeah, Nick was a little annoying becuase he brought a ton of CDs and he wanted to turn the volume wayyy up. I couldn’t study so I didn’t try.
Yesterday, I had a CSE 271 quiz which I think I did well on. I also had a physics quiz which I got a 2/5 on. That really fucking pissed me off because I studied for it and I thought I understood everything. One of the questions was on the practice quiz on his website, but he doesnt give us any answers for those. Maybe I should ask him for the answers… After finding out I got 2/5 I was so pissed off and upset. I was tearing up in the computer lab as I wrote an email to Alain telling him what just happened. But I went to see Dr. Hall in his office after writing that email and he explained some things. Hall isn’t a real nice or friendly guy and pissed me off with the amount of times he said I should have done this or that. But the main idea was that I have to put even more effort into this class to get a good grade. After classes, I went to work. After work, Alain came over. While he was here I got really pissed off at him and bit him as hard as I could on his hand. I feel really bad about doing it He was really hurt. Then right after that, we went to Wal-Mart where Alain pissed some people off with the way he was driving. They caught up with us as we were entering the store and the woman got in Alain’s face calling him and me names and insulting him, etc. Alain wanted to fight them I guess, but he didn’t for whatever reason. First he told me it was because they were on drugs and they could be carrying guns, then he told me it was because he didn’t want me to get hit. I don’t know if I believe either reason though. The people that came after us were a man, a woman and their kid. I could not believe the things this woman said in front of her child. I feel sorry for the boy..
On Monday and Tuesday I had my first physics and first chemistry labs. I was a little worried about them because I don’t know anyone in either class, so I didn’t know who I would end up being partners with. In both cases I think I lucked out and got some really nice people. In physics, my partners are that girl from NY who looks like she’s half black and half white and another boy who likes nu-metal (he wears the band shirts every single day). In chemistry my lab partner is a guy called Andrew P. or something like that. I think he’s a lot like me because he seems to be very quiet and keeps to himself in the other classes I have with him. I have never seen him talking to anyone. This is fine with me though.
I’m feeling depressed again now. I feel so alone. I feel like I’m not getting much support from people in my life other than Alain. He’s a really awesome guy, but I guess I need more people behind me and encouraging me. When he’s not around is the worst. Sometimes I even feel bad when I’m with him…like I’m such a loser that he is nearly my entire social life. Last night I felt down too, but it was because I was thinking of what some people have said about me and to me. I was also feeling guilty for coming in between Alain and James and wishing I had done things differently. I was also thinking about what Alain’s mom said about me. She might still say negative things about me, but if Alain knows I don’t think he’ll tell me or maybe she just doesn’t say it in front of him anymore.
I just found a website that gave a few tips on how to make friends. The main tip was “smile and seem cheerful and friendly.” It makes sense I guess, but the rare times when I’m in a really good mood and smiling for no reason, I don’t get a more positive response. I don’t get more people having conversations with me or anything. I find it so hard to act happy and confident when I’m neither. I guess Alain’s right: I just give off negative vibes that people want to get away from.